Tuesday night's episode of Glee, "The Comeback," was dedicated to anyone who ever suggested that Sue Sylvester -- one of the most deliciously villainous characters on television -- is too evil. Because I am not in that demographic, I will address last night's treatment of Sue Sylvester -- from the fake suicide note to the pediatric cancer ward sing-along -- like the affront to her character that it was. Who's ready?
Sue Sylvester is a delightfully cold-hearted minx. She is at her best when she is threatening to launch Cheerios out of a cannon imported from Asia or telling local TV viewers why caning and littering should be encouraged. That being said, Jane Lynch's character has also had redeeming emotional moments -- like when her newscaster beau dumped her on-air or she visited her sister with Down syndrome.
Speaking of death -- Emma Pillsbury, you're dead to me. You spent the first season flirting with Schue and tempting him to leave his loveless marriage and then when he finally did, you took up with some dreamy doctor and disappeared for 70 percent of the second season's episodes like the OCD-afflicted floozy you are. Occasionally you return, trying to woo viewers back into your good graces with a cheekily-titled self-help pamphlet ("I Am Too Depressed To Even Open This Pamphlet"), but you can't make up for your absences that easily. You are a deadbeat love interest. There, I said it. Moving on. Now to the actual glee-cap.
In spite of the fact that a suicide would never occur on a network television series about singing and dancing teenagers, Schue and Emma were scared that a newly depressed Sue was on the brink of hanging herself with Adidas pants. So they ditched their scheduled classes (as you do when you are a faculty staff member) and bolted to Sue's house, expecting to find her lifeless body already interred in a trophy case. Instead, they found a sad Sue in bed.
Schue tried to tell Sue that "life is beautiful!" but it wasn't too convincing because his character has been relegated to teaching meaningless lessons and facilitating weak plot points. Speaking of which, Sue admitted that the only thing that made her happy lately was singing along with Charice in her Le Car. Considering that Sue had not had a lobotomy, this is impossible. But Schue heard that false proclamation, got excited and invited her to join Glee club. Because Will Schuester is the most gullible person alive.
So, Sue infiltrated the New Directions -- as she has many times before, but this time in person -- and pitted Rachel and Mercedes against each other in a diva-off. When Schue sensed Sue's ill intentions, he took her down to the previously mentioned pediatric cancer ward. Pediatric cancer ward? OK. Sick kids always put things in perspective. But a pediatric cancer ward with a ukelele and a sing-a-long to "This Little Light of Mine" while Sue tears up with a dying child on her lap? Too much, Ryan Murphy. Too much.
Meanwhile, Sam started a Justin Bieber cover band to win back Quinn's affection -- and Artie, Puck and Mike Chang begged to be part of it since anything Biebs-related has a hypnotic effect on chicks -- except for Lauren Zizes who is still not convinced that Puck is the man for her.
As this was happening, Rachel Berry tried to create a career resurgence for herself... by being shrill and paying Brittany to make her "preppy" style cool. Of course, this did not pan out. But it's OK, because Schue taught everyone about the power of anthems. Sue Sylvester even got in on the fun -- post cancer-ward -- by suggesting a Chemical Romance number, "Sing," and actually singing it with the class. (Middle-aged teachers performing choreographed numbers with students will never stop being creepy.) But I supposed that was nice-ish... until she revealed that she would be leading the New Direction's rival at nationals.
Kurt was M.I.A. this episode but it is assumed that he and the Warblers were serenading other retail managers at The Grove the Lima mall.
HIGH NOTES
· "So sorry for not being sorry about interrupting. But do you mind if I borrow one of your rafters to hang myself?" -- Sue to Emma Pillsbury
· "You're lucky I left my blow gun at home, Airbags, because I've got a clear shot at your nanis." -- Sue to Santana
· Rachel and Mercedes' epic diva-off to the tune of "Take Me or Leave Me" from Rent.
· "No, no. I don't care how depressed I am. I will not date a curly." -- Sue to Will
LOW NOTES
· If you thought it was impossible for Sue Sylvester to be any more of a caricature, you were wrong. In last night's episode she angrily threw students into the hall, ripped off their stupid accessories ("You know how I feel about hats!") before becoming the kind of cold-hearted character whose heart melts during ukelele sing-a-longs. This is not the Sue Sylvester we grew to love!
· No Kurt or Blaine.
· Can we have a more compelling love triangle that does not include Quinn?
GLEE-SARY
Regresar -- (v.) To come back. The one thing that Schue learned in the Spanish class that he was teaching last night.
Sue-icide -- (n.) The act or instance of Sue Sylvester taking her own life voluntarily and intentionally. Only, as any casual Gleebaser knows, Sue Sylvester would never take her own life because she is not weak or emotionally vulnerable -- so any reference to Sue-icide is ultimately part of a devious plan to screw over the New Directions.
Anthem -- (n.) "An epic song, filled with a groundswell of emotion that seems bigger than itself." Alternate meaning: "The bottom of an ant's pants."
Justin Bieber -- (n.) A mini-God who makes chicks melt, even after the post-Valentine's day lull.
POP QUIZ
1. In spite of the fact that she has been absent for over half of season two's episodes, how many suicide notes does Emma Pillsbury miraculously discover in last night's episode?
a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 3
2. What is Sam's idea of a hot Friday night date?
a) Watching paint dry
b) Losing at church bingo
c) Hanging out at the shooting range
d) Painting coasters at Color Me Mine
3. How many gratuitous shots of male abs were shown in last night's episode?
a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 3
4. Did Puck actually say, in reference to Lauren Zizes, "I'd try anything to get into those enormous pants?"
a) Yes
b) No
c) No, and I am appalled that you would even suggest a television character on a Golden Globe-winning series would say that in reference to an overweight character.
d) I don't know. I blacked out after Sam's performance of "Baby."
5. Which of the following was not on Rachel's To-Do list?
a) Celebrate Celine Dion's birthday
b) Friend-request Barbara Streisand again
c) Tutor shrillness at the local middle school
d) Audition for Avatar on Ice
ANSWERS: 1) b; 2) d; 3) c -- Mike Chang showed Tina his abs in the hallway and Lauren Zizes pictures Sam's perfect 6-pack during her performance of "I Know What Boys Like" 4) a; 5) c