If certain drug users are most at risk of overdosing on their first hit after a period of sobriety, then the epic midseason premiere of Glee, "The Sue Sylvester Shuffle," certainly sent some Gleebasers into the hospital. (Located right behind the Breadstix and across the street from the intersection where Schue cried in his car.) Not only was the over-sized episode a shock to the previously Gleeless system, but it was a new strain of Ryan Murphy drug, cut with Katy Perry singles, fake breasts, BMX bikes and Mel Gibson jokes. Whatever happened to the pure Glee that they aired back in 2010? Now that was the good sh*t.
In case you hadn't figured it out thus far, over at Movieline, Glee is considered a drug because while you're doing it, you feel warm, happy and compelled to trade in your week's paycheck for another dose -- or at least Glee-branded merch. But then the next morning, you wake up shivering on a futon with only the memory of Schue white-rapping at a school assembly, the sense that all of your electronics and clean spoons are gone, and the realization that you have a serious problem.
That is how last night's Glee event unraveled. It began with a promising jolt of cynicism from Sue Sylvester that mirrored the thoughts of its viewers. As she watched the Cheerios gyrate to Katy Perry's "California Girls" and shoot fire from their breasts as BMX bikers flipped behind them, Jane Lynch's character lamented that she was bored. (What would she have thought of the Black-Eyed Peas' halftime show then?) After continually topping themselves (as Glee has done with its growing budget and anticipated tribute episodes), she had lost her lust for life and winning.
Meanwhile, Glee's male characters play football -- because the Super Bowl viewers who had been tricked into watching the first few minutes of Glee (damn you, Katy Perry and your sexy songs!), might be interested in watching more football. Especially when it involves beastly high school characters like Karofsky calling out his gay peers. But homophobia does not win out in this scene because after Finn defends Kurt (for any Super Bowl fans who were tricked into watching the entire episode and now reading this recap, Kurt is the show's openly gay hero), the team loses. (I wonder if a homophobic slur made by one of the Steelers during a huddle during last night's game cost the team their seventh Super Bowl win? We may never know.)
Of course Schue knows how to reunite the football team...through song. So he tries to adopt Karofsky and the football team to the glee club to the protests of everyone. Like Mercedes, who yells, "Hell to the no!" But Schue tempts the warring sides by declaring that he wants them to perform the "most iconic song of all time. "The Super Bowl of pop anthems." That's "Thriller," y'all. And then to illustrate how this Michael Jackson classic unites, he references Philippine prisoners who bonded over the tune, because imprisoned murderers are comparable to high school kids who shove each other in hallways.
Meanwhile, Sue buys a German-made cannon to launch her Cheerios to certain death, but when Principal Figgins denies this stunt, she trashes the school and somehow manages to reschedule Cheerio Regionals on the same day as the big football championship. So Quinn, Santana and Brittany must decide, again, if they're with the Gleeks.
Also, when Karofsky and a few other players quit the team because they don't like the direction that their New Directions career is going -- Mercedes, Tina, Rachel and Lauren end up suiting up in football gear. It is a chance for Ryan Murphy to prove that women can do anything. Except play football. When the chicks help the team lose the first half of the game, everyone realizes that the only way for McKinley High to get redemption is by killing it at the halftime show. So they do, with that epic "Thriller"/"Heads Will Roll" mash-up.
And then (spoiler alert), Quinn thinks Finn for his support by kissing him!!!
HIGH NOTES
· "Dear Journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones that my new doctor gave me? Maybe?" -- Sue
· "If I have to stay, I am not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors." -- One of the black football players that Schue tries to recruit for the New Directions
· Sue demolishing the principal's office and then the locker room after she is told she cannot shoot a student from her German cannon.
· Finn's rendition of "She's Not There"
· The "Thriller"/"Heads Will Roll" mash-up
LOW NOTES
· The roid-y, Jersey Shore-esque stand-off between Coach Beiste, Karofsky and Finn.
· Any Glee-tribute to Lady Antebellum, like last night's "Need You Now" duet performed by Rachel and Puck.
· Has any Glee number ever felt as irrelevant and forced as "Bills, Bills, Bills"?
· Finn and Sam half-heartedly shoving each other.
· Quinn kissing Finn.
· Bring back John Stamos!
GLEESARY
Charity -- (n.) Brittany's cat. During the Glee Chevy commercial, Brittany declared that she would donate her brand new car to charity. "Charity's my cat...and she totaled her SUV last weekend."
Sueclear Weapon -- (n.) A dangerous tool that has the potential to simultaneously kill Cheerios and reinvigorate Sue Sylvester's lust for life.
POP QUIZ
1. What does Sue Sylvester demand that Santana hit her fellow Cheerios with?
a) A chicken cutlet
b) A rubber chicken
c) A chicken finger
d) Some knowledge
2. How old does Sue claim to be?
a) 24
b) 27
c) 30
d) 31
3. Which television show does Brittany want to see canceled before she dies?
a) Degrassi
b) Seinfeld
c) Outsourced
d) One Tree Hill
4. Why does Rachel refuse to share the New Directions classroom with Karofsky?
a) Because he cannot carry a tune.
b) Because he is a "known homophobe."
c) Because he is a "known Anti-Semite."
d) Because she just sang "America the Beautiful" at the Super Bowl and will share the stage with no one.
5. Who does Katie Couric not insult during her interview with Sue Sylvester?
a) The economy
b) Mel Gibson
c) Dina Lohan
d) Charlie Sheen
6. How does Sue Sylvester deal with her year as a loser?
a) Self-flagellation
b) Drinking a lot of bleach
c) Prayer
d) Cutting
ANSWERS:</b) 1) a; 2) d; 3) d; 4) b; 5) d; 6) b