I despise Halloween. What makes it worse are the people who just love Halloween. Why do I look at this entire weekend as one big costume-buying hassle while everyone else -- like the Conners or the Dunphys -- is having the time of their lives? Or maybe not everyone else: At least a few of you must be Halloween haters, and it's high time we stick together.
As such, and because a simple recommendation to "watch football" and/or "rent Woody Allen movies" hardly seems adequate for the three-day extravaganza ahead, I've been urged to use my anti-Halloween expertise to write the Halloween hater's guide for 2010:
Movies
OK, here we go. If you want to spend your weekend at the local cineplex avoiding all things Halloween there's... well, as far as new releases, there's not a lot. The only wide release is Saw 3D, and that kind of defeats the purpose. But, hey, next weekend there's Megamind, 127 Hours, Fair Game, Due Date and For Colored Girls. Really? Not one of these films could have been released this weekend? Anyway, you can always see The Social Network again or just stare at the "coming soon" posters, dreaming of a better time that's only one week away. Or maybe you're better off sticking to...
Television
While everyone you know is bobbing for apples on Saturday night (do people actually still do this? It seems a bit unsanitary and a good way to catch mono), you can be at home watching the great Jon Hamm host Saturday Night Live. And while you're waiting for 11:30 p.m. to roll around there's... (flips through onscreen cable guide) Hey! Titanic is on TBS at 8 p.m., which, with commercials, will take you all the way until midnight. Look, as far as non-Halloween programming, that's about as good as it's going to get unless you want to watch the debut of Amelia on HBO -- and trust me, you don't. Actually, our best bet seems to be over on WE with a Golden Girls marathon. I'm not kidding -- even the Hallmark Channel is playing Edward Scissorhands.
New DVD Releases
When at first we don't succeed, there's always new DVDs to watch. This week saw the release of... oh, Christ. Sex and the City 2. Seriously? Can I catch one break when it comes to these categories? I'm about to give up, what else is there? The World Series? Should I recommend the World Series? Really, because unless your name is S.T. VanAirsdale, this World Series has been abysmal. Yeah, watch that, because 9-0 games are so suspenseful. I give up.
Recommendation: Quit whining and go to a Halloween party. Or watch football and rent some Woody Allen movies.