Are you prepared for the most epic Project Runway recap of all time? I might not be, but I'm delivering it anyway. Without further ado, let's climb inside our favorite polka dot print and settle in for three darling Lincoln Center collections, the judges' remarks, and a final decision that will leave you breathless in a sexual-humiliation sort of way.
Happy finale! To celebrate, let's begin with some of Gretchen's nonsense: After Tim announces that "some old friends" will greet the three remaining designers at Parsons, Gretchen coos, "I have no idea what to think!" How crazy, Gretchen, because I know exactly what to think: Tim's reacquainting you with the old designers. You have to hang out with them, I bet. Or work with them. No, wait! It's probably the reunited cast of Evening Shade. Never mind. You're right, the possibilities are endless.
Dammit, I was right the first time: Mondo, Gretchen, and Andy arrive at Parsons to find all the eliminated designers assembled in Crate & Barrel chaises and sitting across from Heidi and Tim. Wowwie. Let's look around: There's surly-cool April! Here's crazed church-mouse Ivy! And there's traumatized fourth-place murmurer Michael Costello. And the others, who may as well be muted holograms.
Tim cues up footage of Andy, Gretchen, and Mondo's best and worst work of the season. Inspiring and hilarious, respectively. Afterward, Heidi has a subtle question for Gretchen. "Gretchen, is it true that you are a bitch in real life?" she ponders. "I would like to know. Because you have bitch posture."
Gretchen squeamishly responds, "The funny answer is, 'I'm not a bitch, I just play one on TV.'" She then adds, "And I also think 'strong women' tend to be called 'bitches,' which is unfair."
Oh. Let's clear up the confusion: Gretchen, you are not a "bitch." You're an a**hole. Don't let anyone mix you up again.
Shockingly, cutey Valerie is given a chance to speak. "I think we made ourselves really vulnerable this season," she says, explaining the "success" of season eight. Close: You made yourself susceptible to an editing process that made everyone seem adversarial and angry. That's the Bunim-Murray gold standard. Plus, the cast was full of diagnosable hellcats. But I think that's what you meant by "vulnerability," Valerie. Holler.
The rousing reunion concludes and Tim orders the three remaining competitors to reenter the workroom and make him an un-hideous collection. "Don't send down some Carol Hannah nonsense, you guys," he (mentally) said. "This isn't for laughs anymore, kids. Don't embarrass me."
And for the most part, they don't.
The big day arrives. The collections are finished. The hems are even. Mondo's suspenders are hung by the chimney with care. Andy's wearing Missy Elliott's garbage bag outfit from "Supa Dupa Fly." Gretchen dons her finest tepidness. It's time for the final runway show.
We arrive at Lincoln Center where the crowd fills every seat, titters wildly, and hopes to wipe the smug little grimace from Gretchen's face. Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Heidi Klum take their seats in the front row and try to forget every single outfit guest-judge Jessica Simpson has ever worn. It's Gretchen's turn to display her 10 looks.
All of Gretchen's greatest hits are back and remixed into a bedraggled homage to Bohemia: There's beige! Oh, and brown! Look, she even brought back shiny! Nice to see you too, creepy midriffs! Hey, four or five zigzag prints! And pants! Word, pants. Oh, and this is actually pretty boring. But you know? She didn't blow it. She sexed up her oatmeal palette with auburn and pointy craft-fair jewelry (for stabbing misbehavin' rural folk). She's on the brink of resortwear, representing sportswear, and even qualifying for Heidi Klum's definition of "activewear." One day an evil, divorced dalmatian owner will need to visit an art museum, and she will require Gretchen's fashions for the trip. It's a niche market, but life is that way, or so Gretchen would claim in a huff.
Next is Andy, who should not introduce his collection by claiming it's inspired by Laos, the land of his ancestors. Because it is a shock-silver, occasionally olive collection of cropped jackets and tiny, repetitive cocktail gowns. It's a wash. It is not a stunning tableau of Laotian patriotism. It is tinfoil, alien antennae, and the glare of a thousand Miami moons. There's a silvery dress with flapper chains swishing around, but Laura Bennett made one of those in season three while five of her kids suplexed her. Sorry, Andy, but this "Asian"-influenced collection is the color of American currency while not looking particularly expensive or standout. Your mohawk galloped into the fence this time, dear.
Mondo comes last but (obviously) best. Bubble skirts and mile-high waistlines mix with all sorts of checkered prints: picnic cloths, NASCAR flags, Western checkers, you name it. If it was checkered, it was here -- and it was paired with an equally strong and compelling second print. He also throws in some small multicolored belts that look like Tropical Skittles and Bubblicious flavors, which is clever because "mondo" is the term that bridges those worlds. Clever. Effing. Dame. Oh, and by the way, bitch: He kept the polka-dot Morticia gown that Michael Kors thought was a clown dirge at a whore funeral. Mondo is an artist, thanks. He will have his kook and eat it too. You will have your ultraviolet ceiling lamps and dreamy gazebo full of black blazers, Michael Kors, and Mondo will have his Lava Lamp blobs and googly splendor. Enjoy, honey.
Time for the judging. Heidi, Michael, Nina, and Jessica Simpson arrange the three combatants on the runway and start loosing monologues of fury their way.
Let's start with Andy's critiques. Beware, these are not direct quotes -- but don't worry, I only made them better.
Nina Garcia: "That's right, Michael. I'm happy to see the softness in your collection, Andy. But I feel like someone took over you completely and you lost yourself in the work. You went overboard with the 'Orientalism.' But don't worry, dear. You're not a loser. You're a Laoser. Heidi?"
Heidi Klum: "I didn't love the first look, but I loved that crinkly green dress you whipped out. Well done in a third-place sort of way. Jessica?"
Jessica Simpson: "There are... chains on one of your dresses. How did you do that? Wow."
Moving right along, Gretchen's collection is next to be judged. I forgot to mention that she called her collection "Running Through Thunder," which was always my favorite Jean Claude Van Damme/Tracy Jordan movie.
Nina Garcia: "Gretchen, overall you were fantastic. Lots of choices here. Jackets, sweaters, patchwork pants. It's very cool! Very modern. Very easy. I did feel the prints got a bit monotone. And your opening look was a homely batch of pottery colors that never should've left the kiln. Failure there. Michael?"
Michael Kors: "I love the vibe of this girl. It's you. But then you introduced a slick tech-y looking leather, and that's not you. That's for Methadone-addicted strippers, obviously. But the jewelry is fabulous! Heidi?"
Heidi Klum: "Yeah, yeah, I like the jewelry. But this isn't Project Zales, Kors. This is some other show. Anyway, your prints got a little repetitive for me, Gretchen. And you've got that scowl on your face like you're in an Emmy-nominated Christine Baranski role. Jessica?"
Jessica Simpson: "I wanted to see an extravagant piece. All I saw was... that chain dress from before... so silver..."
And lastly, Mondo's up for judgment. He didn't name his collection anything like "Running Through Thunder," so we're left to assume he's a sane person who did a great job.
Nina Garcia: "Your strapless dress was adorable, but the decorative pieces were overwhelming. And the whole collection got very 'teenage' for me. Because teenagers dress like acid-tripping supermodels who live in a '50s comic strip. Anyway, you need to give it a polish. I know that. Heidi?"
Heidi: "I for one thought you had many special, loud pieces, and some great quiet pieces too. And I would wear that polka dot gown, for sure. Ow, ow. Jessica?"
Jessica: "Yeah, I'd wear that gown too. It reminds me of... that silver chain dress from before. That seems like years ago now."
Thus closes the judges' comments. Ready to find out who wins Project Runway?
Cover your kids' ears and, hell, your ears too: Gretchen Jones is the winner of Project Runway.
After a heated debate between Heidi, who wanted Mondo to win, and Nina and Michael, who decided Gretchen should win, ultimately the boho bo-humbug won out. Hmmph. I'm not happy -- but I'm also not surprised. Caution: I'm about to get really long-winded.
If you've been reading our interviews with the eliminated contestants (like this one with Christopher Collins, or this one with Peach Carr), you'll have noticed an interesting trend: Almost every single designer emphatically stated he or she wanted Mondo to win. And it was never just that Mondo should win because he's talented or creative; each eliminated designer specifically mentioned something about how "good a person" Mondo is. Now, he may be a wonderful person for all I know, but it became pretty clear to me that the eliminated designers felt a strong urge to voice support for a fallen comrade. In my interview with Ivy, I specifically asked her, "Why does every single designer not want Gretchen to win?" She let out a panicked chuckle that should've tipped me off. Alas, here I am, genuinely a little stung by Gretchen's win and questioning the legitimacy of this whole operation.
I mean that seriously. During the judges' discussion that led to Gretchen's victory, the reasons coming out of Michael and Nina's mouths made pretty much no sense. "We're having a sportswear moment [in fashion right now]!" clamored Michael, which is weird because Mondo also made sportswear and because we're having plenty of "moments" right now. We always are. That's the reason Project Runway can exist. Kors added, "Mondo's collection is the cousin of [season seven winner] Seth Aaron's collection last year!" which is ridiculous because 1) the only thing those collections have in common is a black-and-white motif, and 2) the judges encouraged Mondo's aesthetic all season. They had ample time to warn him he was totally derivative (or whatever). Then Nina chimed in with a super-puzzling critique: "I wouldn't wear Mondo's polka dot dress." After all, Nina, it's about that. Should we make sure Michael Kors would wear Gretchen's whimsical Eat, Pray, Love costumes before we declare her the winner?
The bottom line is, this season of Project Runway was a course-corrected version of seasons six and seven. In the season six and seven finales, the undisputed top dogs (Irina, Seth Aaron) won their seasons. I try not to promote too many conspiracy theories in my lifetime, but there's a big chance the judges wanted Gretchen to win solely for the unpredictability factor. Mondo had this in the bag. Gretchen had clothes shaped like bags. Not the same thing, world.
At any rate, I'm forced to admit this was a fabulous season. Let's do it again next year, but in the meantime, let's talk to Andy, Mondo, and Gretchen about what they think. Coming up today, folks. And also, I've done a lot of (quite fabulous) talking: What do you think?