Usually Movieline recaps the Real Housewives of New Jersey by scavenging each episode for the purest moment of the night as well as the moment so toxically fake that even Andy Cohen cannot watch without donning full haz-mat gear first. But in Monday's episode, appropriately titled "Country Clubbing," the ladies of New Jersey found themselves in such an over-the-top brawl (police, weave-pulling, and an in-the-arms Bodyguard rescue) that I had no choice but to replay the footage, score each broken heel, tally each bungled acrylic and determine which housewife caused the most damage.
· "Is b*tch better?" -- After Danielle tells Teresa not to call her honey, Teresa hits back with this insult. (Teresa: +1)
· "You're a ho' bag." -- Teresa shouts at Danielle. (Teresa: +1)
· "I'm from Paterson, b*tch. Don't you forget it." -- Apparently, coming from Paterson gives housewives instant street cred? This line was confusing, but when paired with an "oh no you didn't" finger wag, came off as threatening. (Teresa: +1)
· "I live in a $5 million dollar house, b*tch." -- Money makes your argument stronger. (Teresa: +1)
· "Your house is in foreclosure!" -- Record scratch. For the first time this season, a cast member (Danielle) acknowledged the $11 million dollar elephant in the series. (Danielle: +5)
· "Danielle, I read your court records!" -- Jacqueline enters the fight, bringing up Danielle's shady criminal record as Danielle is herded out of the Brownstone by her ineffective security team. (Jacqueline: +1)
· "You beat somebody with a 9mm pistol." -- Jacqueline recites Danielle's rap sheet from memory. (Jacqueline: +1)
· Danielle's heel breaks as she tries to run out of the country club, slowing her escape. (Danielle's heel: +1)
· "You're a f*cking coke whore!" -- Teresa screams after Danielle's limping frame. (Teresa: +1)
· Finally outside, Danielle cowers in a corner and demands, "Get me out of here! I'm going to pass out." to her completely useless bodyguard. (Danielle: -1)
· Danielle claims that she cannot scurry to the car across the parking lot because her heels are broken. Apparently, she never considered taking off her shoes. (Danielle: -2)
· "Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!" Frustrated, Kim G. tries to smack some sense into Danielle, who is sitting in a pile of broken heels and fake tears. (Kim G: +1)
· Ashley, Jacqueline's 18-year-old daughter, breaks out from the crowd and rips the weave from Danielle's head as a bodyguard and a driver try to wrestle the unhinged housewife to the car. (Ashley: +10)
· "Love and light! Stay in the positive, b*tch!" -- Ashley's last words as her mother shoves her back into the country club. (Ashley: +2)
MIDWAY POINT: Ashley leads with 12. Teresa follows with 5. Danielle and Jacqueline tie with 2. At the back of the pack, Kim G. and Danielle's free-willed heel follow with 1 each.
· The otherwise useless bodyguard, tired of dragging Danielle, lifts her into his arms and carries her to the car. (Otherwise Useless Bodyguard: +1)
· Danielle, safely in Kim G.'s car, hysterically demands that the driver not take her home. This makes sense to no one. (Danielle: -1)
· Danielle's only ally, Kim G., leaves Danielle crying in the car to talk rationally about what just went down with Teresa and Ashley. (Kim G.: +1)
· Jacqueline waits by Danielle's car, staring through the tinted windows in a psych-out attempt. (Jacqueline: +1)
· Danielle tells the police that she "just wants to go go home" -- and is completely capable of just going home -- but for some reason, stays. (Danielle: -2)
· Danielle takes the time to tearfully prove to police that she is not wearing a weave, "This is real hair! At the end of my head!" and tearfully demands that Ashley is arrested. (Danielle: -2)
· Teresa calmly denies having a driver's license and tells police that Danielle is a "coke whore." (Teresa: +1)
· In spite of Danielle's emphatic wails, no one is arrested at the Brownstone. (Danielle: -3)
FINAL TALLY: Last night's winner is Ashley for pulling out Danielle's weave on television, earning her a lifetime of internet notoriety, without even being arrested. Teresa finished second with 6, Jacqueline finished third with 3 and Kim G. closed in with 2. Finally, Danielle's free-willed heel and the Otherwise Useless Bodyguard limped across the finish line with 1 point each while Danielle, a huddled mass of tears, finished last with -7. Better luck next time, Danielle. And remember readers, always aim for the weave.