Well, Lee DeWyze won American Idol's ninth season. There he is crying for us all, and it's not enough. I'm doing my modified Nancy Kerrigan-in-intense-pain impersonation, personally. "DeWhyyyyyyyyyyze! DeWhhhhhhyyyyze!" I caw. Ugh. That conclusion was a billy club to the knee. You could say the show's ninth season was its worst yet (I know I did.), but a Crystal Bowersox win would've rectified some of the angst. Instead, Idol served a lukewarm DeWyze victory at the end of what was an otherwise tremendous finale, and now the whole 120 minutes reeks of an abandoned paint store. I said it.
Fear not: There's plenty of good for all of us to discuss from last night's celebration -- namely a ranking of the evening's top 10 performances. By the time we're done, we'll make our decision about Idol's real winner. Haterade on tap!
10. Idol Winners Tribute to Simon Cowell, "Together We Are One"
First, a disclaimer: Bland performances from Janet Jackson, Dane Cook, Christina Aguilera, and Alice Cooper didn't make the Top 10. Sorry. Too self-indulgent on all counts. I'm granting the bottom spot to this all-pseudo-star tribute to Simon Cowell featuring everyone from Kelly Clarkson to Fantasia Barrino to Kris Allen to a swarm of past contestants. This performance is a staggering cheeseball fortress, but I think it beats Janet wearing a Medieval Times costume, Xtina dressed like Susan Powter trying out to be Starship's lead singer, and a languid Alice Cooper looking like Adam Lambert without any bones, blood, or organs in his body.
9. Michael Lynche and Michael McDonald, "Takin' It to the Streets"
Michael McDonald. S.O.S., right? The duo riffed on this Doobie Brothers classic with Lite FM panache, but the result was a pleasing vanilla soft-serve treat.
8. Lee DeWyze and Chicago, "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"/"If You Leave Me Now"/"25 or 6 to 4"
I kind of don't blame Lee for this verging-on-droopy performance, since Chicago didn't jolt this up with any rock n' roll pulse. Furthermore, why were they chosen to perform in the first place? Because Lee's from Chicago? Thank God he wasn't from Kansas. Or Europe. Or Anita Bryantville, Utah.
7. Kris Allen, "The Truth"
The original "Tender Dawg," Kris Allen lived up to Randy Jackson's literal pet name by crooning his new single with winsome flair. The truth: I still think he was the right choice for last year's Idol. He's got the clever song arrangements and vocal commitment to bed any Maroon 5 groupie in the west.
6. Top 6 Guys and Hall & Oates, "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)"/"Maneater"/"You Make My Dreams"
Believe it or not, it was easy to forgive this performance's hokey choreography and Aaron Kelly's fetal jitters. Why? Because Daryl Hall can sing, y'all.
5. Crystal Bowersox, Lee DeWyze and Joe Cocker, "With a Little Help from My Friends"
For a split second I thought Ringo Starr was going to help out with this. And when Joe Cocker appeared, I thought Ringo Starr was cleverly hiding behind him. No dice, but Crystal and sorta-Lee ripped into this beloved Wonder Years theme in spite of Joe Cocker's mangy howl. Did anyone else worry Joe Cocker had spent the past 10 years as a part-time pirate and full-time Jimmy Buffett follower? That's what his presentation said to me. "Parrothead With a Misplaced Eye-Patch."
4. Casey James and Bret Michaels, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
Plagues keep hitting Bret Michaels, yet he managed to dish a dynamic performance with this Casey James duet. In fact, his voice outmatched Casey's on a few occasions. The intimacy of the Cool, Texas, native's opening bars were memorable, but Bret's surprise appearance made this undeniably emotional. Look at these two in their weird hair having a good time!
3. Carrie Underwood, "Undo It"
The most ideal Idol winner ever (Sorry, Kelly Clarkson, Clive Davis blabbed that you have too many ideas) stepped up with a note-perfect jam from her new album. It's no "Before He Cheats," but what is? I wanted her to end this performance by taking the wheel from Jesus and handing it to a hammered Paula Abdul -- as a public service annnouncement!
2. Siobhan Magnus, Aaron Kelly, and the Bee Gees, "How Deep is Your Love"
Something's the matter with me, because I was actually moved by this. Siobhan and Aaron's collaboration with Barry and Robin Gibb could've used a third Bee Gee, but we're left to assume that the late Maurice's stand-in was the general leisure-suited dorkiness of American Idol. "How Deep is Your Love" is the perfect tear-jerker for Siobhan and Aaron -- it's a poignant ditty that any glassblower or worried fetus can understand.
1. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette, "Ironic"/"You Oughta Know"
Surprise of surprises: Crystal Bowersox blew me away with the best performance of the evening. Her Top 24 week performance of Alanis Morissette's "Hand in My Pocket" was slightly underrated, though at the time I wished she'd just picked a livelier Alanis hit. "You Learn"? "So Pure"? Something. Well, fate picked up the slack by inviting the Canadian caterwauler herself to the finale, who swept in with a heated rendition of "You Oughta Know." While we'll have to pardon the lame lyric changes ("Would she go down with you to a theater?" Suicide.), we can't forget this exquisite pairing. Emotional, fun, and professionally executed. This made swallowing the jagged little pill of Lee's victory just a touch easier -- so thank u, Alanis, India, disillusionment, etc.
And finally, here's video of Lee's victory. See you next year, Idolts.