Last week on Real Housewives of New York City, Bethenny mourned her estranged father from a Cadillac Escalade en route to hell and LuAnn cruised a jittery fellow named Cort who may or may not be gay. In this week's episode, whimsically titled "Housewives Overboard," LuAnn went down to Chinatown with Court (not a euphemism, she actually did venture to Canal Street), Ramona found her soulmate on a Hooters yacht, and for the first time in television history, someone misused the phrase "making lemons out of lemonade." Those goodies, as well as the truest and fakest moments of the night, after the jump.
TRUE: Kelly's Stupidity Drove Ramona to Dive Off of Her Own Bachelorette Party Yacht and Swim to the Nearest Supply of Pinot Grigio
Poor Ramona. All she wanted to do last night was throw herself a killer bachelorette party. She rented a luxury yacht, bought 30 different bikinis ("We can share!") and invited her closest frenemies to celebrate. Unfortunately, one of these frenemies, Kelly, proved to be an annoying, Amazonian liability to the group's ability to gossip. She defended the devil incarnate (Jill Zarin) and tried to scold the women for trash-talking: "If you guys want to talk in metaphors, you guys are making lemons into lemonade. I mean, absolutely ridiculous conversation."
Unwilling to believe that "making lemons out of lemonade" is actually a good thing, Kelly stormed off of the lido deck and walked into a sliding-glass door as the ladies looked on. That actually happened.
At this point, Ramona's pinot-withdrawal set in and she jumped off of her yacht, desperate for a fix. Fortunately, she spotted a Hooters boat with a full bar nearby. The born-again bachelorette boarded, pounded Styrofoam Hooters cup after Styrofoam Hooters cup of white wine until emboldened, she asked the kindly Hooters captain to rate her aging body. Like a gentleman, the Hooters captain lied, saying that Ramona "had one up on" his fleet of babes and Ramona rewarded him with a drunken kiss on the lips.
FALSE: This Guy (With a Blurred Out Cartman Sticker on His Window) Is Going to Make LuAnn a Hit Record
Just call her "Two-Take LuAnn" and her producer "70's Phil Spector Without the Wig." Viewers at home, with no prior recording experience, knew that the "sesh" was off to a bad start when the producer, Chris Young, refused to take off his sunglasses, refused to call LuAnn anything but "Countess" and requested that LuAnn read her book aloud to him in French "for inspiration."
Adequately inspired, Two-Take LuAnn and 70's Phil Spector Without the Wig descended into a windowless torture chamber to record. Two-Take LuAnn proclaimed that the studio equipment made her feel "like James Brown" and Spector responded, "Well, believe me, he is definitely no stranger to this room." This would have been a good moment for the laugh track to kick in.
Spector spent a few minutes warming LuAnn up for her first single with vocal exercises, and false flattery ("You're a star!") before singing her praises from a confessional, "The Countess has a great voice. She reminds me of Madonna, Fergie. She has these beautiful, breathy hues in her voice." It is a shame she used those beautiful, breathy hues to speak-sing her single "Money Can't Buy You Class." Regardless, Spector just told Two-Take to "have fun with it" and only asked for one do-over ("A little bit more full, Countess") before proclaiming the song a "wrap" and "already a No. 1."