Celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson is my constant, in that whenever she is in the news, it is for humiliating one of her clients under the guise of self-improvement. Anderson is already well-known for turning Madonna into a befuddled, sinewy scarecrow, and for giving Gwyneth Paltrow a body-dysmorphic diet-and-exercise obsession that clearly necessitates an intervention. Still, what she's done to Jennifer Aniston may be her worst crime yet.
I think we can all agree that Aniston is humiliated enough in the strangely ravenous press, yes-no? This Huffington Post headline is probably not going to help matters:
Why yes, a 41-year-old celebrity is paying her personal trainer to make her eat baby food. Then again, Anderson has a habit of making people do things they should never do in their right minds. Gwyneth Paltrow, a perfectly fine-looking person, is somehow convinced she has a "batwing" problem with her nonexistent upper arms and thus Anderson has forced her to drink kale juice and do incredibly awful exercise, constantly, which she then must upload to YouTube:
Frankly, I am surprised that Anderson let Paltrow disable comments on that one, since public humiliation seems to be a key calorie-burning cornerstone of her weight-loss program.
No but seriously, woman be crazy! She invents nose-breaking gym equipment! She steals gym equipment and lies about her credits! She has a chimney sweep in her entourage (already weird enough) and was jailed for failure to pay said sweep! And yet she makes mega-millions to be famous women's exercise svengali, even though her approach could best be designed as "see whether these celebrities will do the absolute worst, most tortuous and embarrassing thing I can come up with, then pay me for the privilege."
I am telling you, it is only a matter of time before Madonna and Gwyneth and Jennifer Aniston are sewn together in a human centipede for what Tracy Anderson alleges to be "the best possible way to eliminate those cottage cheese thighs." And then Magwyfer (as the 'pede will be known) will have to give some glowing quotes about it to Us Weekly. Stop this woman now, before her diabolical plan comes to fruition!