"If rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram," rapped Schue in last night's episode of Glee -- or, for those of you that have been paying attention to Will's subtle style transformation, last night's 60-minute Gap commercial. (Seriously, when will Schu & the Gang start remixing holiday jingles in khakis and striped scarves?) The latest Gleeinstallment, "Bad Episode Reputation," was important because it ruined all of the '90s hits you ironically love, found a use for Jonathan Groff that did not involve a giant cheeseburger costume and eked more feelings from Sue Sylvester. And, for the first time, Quinn's pregnancy showed! Click through to join me as I recap the highs of the lows, the lows of the lows and the hottest catch phrases that will not make you cooler with your niece and nephew. Pay attention -- there will be a pop quiz.
By now, you've realized that Glee soundtracks don't just drop from that giant gym locker in the sky. They are lovingly auto-tuned until the singers' voices are completely unrecognizable. And before that, the songs are carefully designed around a flimsy plot -- like last night's.
When Sue found out that the New Directions had posted a video of her jamming out to Olivia Newton John's "Physical" video online,she was steamed, and took the evidence to the principal, who threatened to punish the entire Glee club unless Schue could identify the culprit.
As expected, Schue's first order of business was distributing a Vanilla Ice song sheet to his class, who challenged him with the dance-fighting words, "This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking." Quick, somebody kick it. Schue's going to show everyone how flavorful these beats still are with another soft Schue rap performance.
Meanwhile, Sue Sylvester told Emma that Schue had been sleeping around on her OCD-addled ass. McKinley High students silently ridiculed Sylvester about her embarrassing video, until she was forced to make a heavy-handed realization about What Really Matters with the help of her Down syndrome sister. Rachel found herself in another love triangle while a roughly-drawn plot involving Hammer pants played out in the library. And Olivia Newton-John!
Now onto what really matters...
HIGH NOTES
· Rachel's rendition of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" with Puck, Finn and Jesse St. James at the ballet bar. Clearly the best song of the night -- even Monteith sounded great.
· Molly Shannon as Brenda Castle, the school's new astronomy teacher and badminton coach -- although, why does she, like Chenoweth's character, have to be an alcoholic?
· Any instance where Sue Sylvester slams her peers ("I may buy a small diaper for your chin because it looks like a baby's small ass.")
LOW NOTES
· Schue's classroom "Ice Ice Baby" number. Another instance of Harry Shum, Jr. being wasted.
· Any instance where Sue Sylvester parodies an actual music video (Olivia Newton-John, Madonna) or taps into her vulnerability.
· "U Can't Touch This" in the library...in Hammer pants. Enough said.
· Why haven't we seen Rachel's gay dads yet? Have Sean Hayes and Martin Short not been available the same week?
GLEESARY
Glist - (n.) A weekly ranking of Schue's glee club based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. You get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.
World-class Banana Magnet - (n.) A whore (e.g. April Rhodes).
"As Menacing as Muppet Babies" - A phrase used to describe someone whose good reputation is very much intact.
POP QUIZ
1. Last year, Sue posted an online ranking of McKinley High's ten...
a) students most likely to become terrorists.
b) ugliest gingers.
c) highest suicide risks.
d) students with the highest BMIs.
2. According to Kurt, "What does a C-Lister do when their tiny star is about to fall off Perez Hilton's radar screen?"
a) Cause a scandal.
b) Get a DUI.
c) Plan a wardrobe malfunction on network television.
d) Offer an incest exclusive to Oprah.
3. Sue Sylvester offers to be Emma's new...
a) therapist.
b) personal trainer.
c) father figure.
d) OCD sponsor.
4. What was Rachel and Puck's couple's name?
a) Puckleberry
b) Ruck
c) Up-Chuck
d) Pachelle
5. How many times does Emma shout "Slut" in the teacher's lounge?
a) 2
b) 4
c) 5
d) 7
6. Which of these blatant advertisement were not featured in last night's episode?
a) American Idol
b) YouTube
c) Burger King
d) Apple
7. Which of these characters only got 20 seconds of screen time last night?
a) Principal Figgins
b) Ken Tanaka
c) Mercedes Jones
d) Santana Lopez
Homework Due Next Week: To paraphrase Schue, "It's time to start rehabilitating your bad reputation" and create an episode of Glee that redeems the second half of this season.
Answers: 1) b; 2) a; 3) a; 4) a; 5) c; 6) a and c; 7) b