Previously on Lost: Jack gets on a boat with Sawyer. Then Jack changes his mind about being on a boat with Sawyer, and throws himself overboard. Jin sees photos of his baby in a digital camera. Jin and Sun are reunited! Then Frank Lapidus says, "Look who can speak English again, just in case you forgot that Sun couldn't speak English for a while, due to that bumping her noggin," while shaking his head in amused disbelief. John Locke is tricked into giving a kidney to a mean old man. Then Locke is thrown through a window, paralyzing him upon impact with the ground. Sayid is shot in the stomach, killing him. Then Sayid is resurrected.
Now that we're all caught up after an interminably tense hiatus week (why do you torture us so, ABC?) let's get down to the important business of Answering another round of Questions about last night's episode of Lost.
Did you hear that ABC just announced that the two-hour Lost series finale is now a two-and-a-half-hour series finale?
We did! It's a two-and-a-half-hour series finale Loststravaganza!™ With an extra 30 minutes, maybe they'll throw in a couple of bonus answers. Or maybe it'll just be a half-hour-long montage of the Oceanic 815 passengers, both living and dead, reuniting for one more of the slow-motion beach parties they so loved during their time on the island.
Would Flash-Sideways John Locke, recently hit by Desmond's car but pulled back from the brink of death by Dr. Jack Shepherd, like his legs back?
No thank you! He's quite content being in the wheelchair.
But didn't Locke hear Dr. Jack? He can fix him!
He said, "No thank you," sir! This wheelchair gets him around just fine. And serves as a constant reminder of the private plane crash (planes are so crashy!) that cost Locke his legs and his father -- a nice guy and not a craven kidney-grifter in the flash-sideways -- his lucidity. Got it, doc?
Do doctors actually say things like "I can fix you" to their patients?
They do if they've got God complexes brought about by excelling in the medical field just to please their demanding physician fathers. Look, it's an issue they haven't quite worked through, even in an alternate reality where things, at least for a while, seemed marginally better than the reality in which a plane crash stranded them on a magical island with a monster made of dirty smog.
Who would be a good choice to play the title role in Maverick Heart: The John McCain Story?
Funny you should ask! Kevin Tighe, Lost's Anthony Cooper, would be a fine choice.
Why was Sawyer so resistant to the idea of being put back in the polar bear cage with Kate? The last time they were in there, it was all yummy biscuits and torrid cage-sex.
Sawyer's heart belongs to Juliet now. Even if she's gone. You don't toss an engagement ring into the ocean and lose entire days weeping to Iggy and the Stooges records over someone whose memory you're willing to tarnish with another cheap roll in the polar-bear-hay.
What are the four names on Widmore's list?
Ford, Reyes, Shepherd, Kwon. Notice that Kate's not on it. SO HE DOESN'T CARE IF SHE LIVES OR DIES. [presses surprisingly wimpy pistol to her temple to reinforce his not-caring-about-her-living-or-dying-status]
Will a dentist violate a former patient's confidentiality for a hotshot spinal surgeon if he asks nicely?
Not right away! Especially if you flirted with his wife while he was using the airplane can. Dentists have long memories about guys who hit on their wives at 35,000 feet, bub. Remember that next time you need an illegal favor on behalf of a patient who refuses to let you "fix" him.
Why should Jack trust Smokey?
Because he could kill him and all of his friends and Jack couldn't do a thing to stop him. In fact, if he really felt like showing off, Smokey could travel back in time and kill Sawyer's precious girlfriend before she had a chance to detonate that a-bomb. But he doesn't. He just wants to save everybody! (So that he can pop the island's "cork," escape his eternal prison, and enslave/slaughter the entire world, but whatever.)
If Jack goes to see Locke's borderline catatonic father in the hospice, will Locke FINALLY agree to let Jack fix his damn legs?
Leave it alone, Dr. God! You saved his life, why isn't that enough for you?
When they wheeled out Locke's dad, how badly did you want somebody to inform us that he lost both kidneys in the plane accident?
Pretty badly. We crave flash-sideways poetic justice.
How touching was it when Sun gave Jin his wedding band back?
So sweet. Those two are going to live happily ever after, we just know they will!
Hey, who killed all these dudes outside the Ajira plane?
Smokey. But he did it to save everybody! If he hadn't murdered all those Widmore lackies and found the bomb they'd hidden on that plane, everyone would have been blown up when they started the engine, and Smokey never would've gotten the inspiration for the suspiciously similar trap he was about to lead everyone into on the submarine.
If you were a guard on a submarine docked on the beach of magical island -- a submarine that's the only viable mode of transport off that island -- what would your most important responsibility be?
We'd guess your main duty would be to make sure that the hatch is locked when your boss is out taking care of his inscrutable business. And your second-most important job would be to keep an eye on the only point of entry into the sub in the unlikely event some armed intruders tried to sneak in through that hatch. It's all right there in your "So You've Decided To Become A Security Officer On A Mysterious Billionaire's Submarine" orientation binder, after the section on Never Sitting With Your Back To A Door You Should Be Watching.
If a homicidal smoke monster inhabiting the body of one of your friends tells you he's just helped you avoid being murdered while locked inside a tube-shaped conveyance you'd hoped to escape in, and then suggests that you all rush to lock yourselves inside another tube-shaped conveyance in hopes of escape, might you, at any point, stop and ask yourself, "I know this is crazy, but is that shady smoke dude, who just took about a hundred bullets to the chest with no ill effects but allowed himself to be elbowed off a dock, maybe up to no good here?"
Nah. Because: Wheeee, submarine ride!
How about checking your bag for a bomb before locking yourself inside the tube, just to be safe?
Stop being so cynical, jerk.
What's the beeping noise coming from that bag?
[looks inside bag] Oh. Crap.
Why did Smokey put a timer on the bomb instead of just blowing everyone up the minute they'd locked themselves inside the tube?
Look, Doctor Do-Little, you may have already been through an ordeal involving explosives and loopholes in the island's weird rules about who can kill whom, but Sawyer's the leader now, and if he wants to yank that wire, he's gonna yank that wire. Even if it's going to kill four of your favorite characters. (OK, three of your favorite characters, and the guy who looks like he's just stepped off the set of a Burt Reynolds movie.)
[RIP Frank Lapidus 195? - 2007 ]
What did Sayid say to Jack before running away with the bomb?
"It's got to be you, Jack." Or: "It's going to be you, Jack." Or? "I'm no longer an emotionless zombie, Jack. It's time to redeem myself with a noble, if only mildly effective, act of self-sacrifice." How could he be so annoyingly marble-mouthed at such a critical moment? Enunciate, man, it's your final scene!
[RIP Sayid Jarrah 1967 - 2007]
When Jin took Sun's hand, refusing to leave the side of his trapped wife as she drowned in a s
ubmarine rapidly filling with water so that they could die together, stealing a few desperate kisses with their last breaths of precious oxygen, did you weep the explosive tears of a five-year-old girl who's just been told her cherished My Little Pony collection was lost in a fire?
Stop it! That sh*t was heart-wrenching!
[RIP Sun-Hwa Kwon 1980 - 2007]
[RIP Jin-Soo Kwon 1974 - 2007
Did you also wonder why neither of them thought it might be a good idea for Jin to escape so that he could raise their daughter?
We're sure she'll be fine being raised by her grandma.
Why did Jin say his final words to Sun in English?
He put in a lot of work learning a new language at his Otherville Berlitz class during their long separation. Don't begrudge him a little showing off while he still had the chance. (We nit-pick to deal with our grief, OK?)
So which of our original castaways are bringing us home in these final three episodes?
We've still got Sawyer, Kate, Jack and Hurley.
And if you monsters take Hurley from us, we're coming after you. Believe it, Darlton.