Watching Celebrity Apprentice isn't the same knowing bandanna sorcerer Bret Michaels is in intensive care, but the Poison rocker worked up an immortal sweat in last night's workout-themed episode. The Donald assigned the seven remaining players (on redistributed teams) to hold workout classes at a fitness center and raise money using desperate phone calls and Holly Robinson Peete's rolodex. While Holly's team (with Cyndi, Summer, and Curtis) won the challenge, no one was sent home because Trump declared everyone a winner -- and because Michael Johnson left early and NBC has an episode requirement to fill. Inspiring, indeed. So where does that leave us? Why, counting up the most unprofessional quotes from our celebrity contestants, of course! Guarantee: The No. 1 will inspire you to put down that cheesecake and pick up your aroused groin.
5. Donald Trump: "Sharon, do you want to go home?"
Sharon Osbourne: "No I don't, Mr. Trump."
Holly Robinson Peete: "But you said you did the other night."
Holly and Sharon are the two organisms on Earth who haven't seen the first season of Top Chef. Otherwise Holly would've cut herself off mid-sentence here and apologized right away. "Excuse me," she'd have said. "I was just about to 'throw you under the bus' as it were, Sharon. Pardon me." Sharon would've responded, "I'm glad you didn't. Because 'I'm not your bitch, bitch,'" and normalcy would've resumed. Unfortunately, neither referenced Bravo's Familiar Quotations, and Holly exposed Sharon and her previously announced desire to quit like a TV-uninformed tattletale (or a "titter-tatter," as Sharon put it). Sharon will pack her knives and go when it's her time, Holly, not because you crow about who considered leaving the competition. Lucky for her, both she and Sharon are hangin' with Trump's proverbial Mr. Cooper for another week.
4. Cyndi Lauper: "I can't even call David Hasselhoff -- who I meet occasionally in the strangest places! First time was Hawaii! Next time I was workin' in Paris, and there he was! And then I was workin' on The Apprentice and there he was! Then one time I was talkin' about him, and then I saw a man that looked just like him, but it wasn't! So it was kind of a Hasselhoff sighting!"
Cyndi was mostly M.I.A. this episode thanks to a buttoned-down Today Show engagement with Lady Gaga, but she stuck around long enough to place calls and earn a few bucks for her team's campaign. After wheedling a few donations out of celebrity friends (including Gaga, who donated $25,000, an emissary to grant the check, and monster outfits for all the children of the world), Cyndi started on this strange Hasselhoff monologue. Lauper, it's never cool to brag about "almost" seeing The Hoff. Lots of people almost see the Hoff. I almost see The Hoff when the shadows of my darkened bathroom hit the mirror the wrong way, like Bloody Mary. I'm double-checking my linen closet as we speak. We all should.
3. Curtis Stone: "F*ck the traffic in this city. We can't get all this sh*t done."
If Sam the Eagle were a little hotter, blonder, more Australian, and possessed a cussing problem and spatula, he'd be Curtis Stone. The famous chef worried his team was doomed when Our Girl Summer Sanders forgot to bring a CD from HQ. He expressed his anger with the aforementioned swear-jar filler. Unprofessional and a little hot. Bad and very, very bad, if you will. Don't do it again/keep it up!
2. Bret Michaels: "I'm just a man that wants to learn about physical education. That's why I'm staring at Maria's buns of steel."
I'm a ponytail-to-spurs Bret Michaels zealot, so his scary medical condition hindered my viewing experience this episode, bigtime -- even if he was clearly having a ball arranging the workout with Maria Kanellis and Sharon. But come on. Let's get a load of that quote. The Rock of Love troubadour's quest for delicate poontang knows no restraint. Unprofessional though his Maria-ogling was, it also epitomizes our love affair with the man. Workroom-inappropriate and love-bus-ready forever.
1. Bret Michaels: "Pump up the wiener!"
Of course I'm not done with Bret. Happy Monday! When he, Sharon and Maria began conceiving moves for their "Fitness Concert," Bret made everyone "check it out" with choreographed ideas like "the groupie thrust," "the top bunk thrust," "the backstage pass," "the menage a trois," "the hangover," and "worshiping the porcelain god." Yeah, Jack Lalanne will just sit those out. Worst/best of all, he initiated a pelvic gyration accompanied by the encouraging direction, "Pump up the wiener!" I don't what to say to the word "wiener." And neither did the 24-Hour Fitness trainer, who gave us the most unamused smirk of the past thousand years. Don Trump Jr. has a new role model in this smirk. Thanks for rendering us all speechless, Bret. Please get better double-quick -- the world's top-bunk thrust is aimless without you.