Last night, American Idol battered us with selections from its most syrupy set list yet: Inspirational Songs. Run, Bowersox! Rod Stewart wouldn't touch half of this nonsense in a "Great American Songbook" package, and lord, that says it all. Still, we got seven performances, seven consultations with the catatonic Alicia Keys, and one obvious winner. Our rankings and video after the jump.
7. Tim Urban, "Better Days"
Tim's heyday of surviving elimination thanks to over-compensating Preteen Vogue subscribers is behind us. Now, we return to the good work of forgetting his ass, because what did he sing? "Better Days" by the Goo Goo Dolls? I don't recall that. You're making it up! I remember that he stared Alicia Keys in the face with all the determination of a kindergartner who painted his egg-carton caterpillar the wrong way. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Keys. I put the yellow stripe on the top -- not the sides. Don't take away my recess. 🙁 " But otherwise, his performance barely happened. Too effing late for your child eyes now, Tim. If it were up to me and the rest of the faculty, we'd string you up on the jungle gym until you admit you're a wayward Quizno's sandwich artist who's never heard of "Goo Goo Dolls" or "American Idol" or "songs."
6. Casey James, "Don't Stop"
Casey read that roaring Idol crowd like a book: He knew the tweens wanted to hear an inauguration anthem from before they were born. My God, it happened for them! We didn't get to see when Casey slept with most members of Rickey Minor's band and wrote a blockbuster '70s album, or when he ingested hills of cocaine with his "bottom end" (quoth Shania Twain), but he captured that Fleetwood Mac air and Christine McVie indifference. It was as "indifferent" as it gets, actually. For Top 7 night, this performance needed to register with us much more.
5. Lee Dewyze, "The Boxer"
Did Alicia Keys just say, "We need to believe you're that boxer"? OK, she did. Fine. We accept that she's a little dense in the thinking department. We move right along. Though it was one of the only quality song choices on the list of 77 possible tunes, "The Boxer" still felt out of place in the suddenly slime-green Idol amphitheater. As usual, Lee Dewyze looked like the quivering boxer Glass Joe from round one of Mike Tyson's Punch Out!!. Within last night's creamy schmaltz, somehow "The Boxer" came off as even Cool-Whippier than "I Believe I Can Fly." Yep. Coming right up.
4. Aaron Kelly, "I Believe I Can Fly"
Fetus the Magnificent (AKA The Man Who Would Be Born) gave one one of his strongest performances with this soul anthem from the Space Jam soundtrack. He even brought back his signature dance move -- the Stilted Body Wriggle. There was a 20/20 once where they let a newborn baby flail by itself in a swimming pool to prove it had water-treading instincts. Fetus achieved that level of coordination and honesty last night.
3. Siobhan Magnus, "When You Believe"
Glue Girl's streak of traditional ballads is pretty weird, right? She fits in effortlessly on "Rolling Stones Night" or "Zappa Side-Project Night" or "An Evening of Melancholy Yodeling," but she insists upon revisiting the Aretha-Whitney school of firestarting often. Too often, in fact. The problem is, songs like "When You Believe" don't actually give her a forum for injecting any character, and her renditions instead sound feathery and less powerful than their source material. At this point, I hope Siobhan sticks it out and lands in the Top 2, but with performances like this, she threatens to erase all that we adore about our paint fumes nymph.
2. Crystal Bowersox, "People Get Ready"
And she was doing so well. PowerShox's performance of "People Get Ready" hit the right notes, rang profoundly throughout the Idol vomitorium, and... ultimately grated. Yes, it's all thanks to Crystal's climactic cry at the song's end -- that breakdown of malfunctioning-supercomputer proportions. I'm not suggesting it wasn't sincere, but I am suggesting it's a singer's job to hold it together until the final note, and not let a world of tears interrupt -- or corrupt -- a performance. Fantasia Barrino kept composed during her otherworldly "Summertime" rendition in season three, so I don't think Crystal has an excuse for losing it at this level. Understandably, the judges lurved the majority of the performance, but I'm sorry -- I have to dock points for this somewhat emotional, mostly annoying spectacle. It was PowerSchlock, y'all.
1. Michael Lynche, "Hero"
Someone tell me to stop it. I do not like Michael Lynche. I do not want him to win. Like a human being with cognitive abilities, I want Crystal and Siobhan to survive, and I want the others to retreat to their ragtag softball league and Rare POG Slammer conventions. But dammit! Michael took a horrible song and made it effervescent and alive. It was a shockingly sturdy performance, note-perfect for his voice, and restrained in the spirit of his "In the Ghetto" rendition -- one of his best to date. As for Simon harping that it was on the Spider-Man soundtrack --- uh? Have you heard of Space Jam, Simon? Or a little song you co-wrote for Leona Lewis called "Footprints in the Sand"? Yeah, both are a smidge more disgusting than Spiderman. Good try with knowing Movieline trivia though, S.C.