Previously on Lost: Your faithful recapper Mark Lisanti did an excellent job answering the questions left in each episode's aftermath, but in this new sideways universe, I'll be taking over those duties for one week (also, Desmond keeps trying to almost-kill me, and it's getting to be a little much). In other news, Hurley faked a seance with Jacob to reunite most of the show's principal cast members, Claire presented her stylist with a picture of Crystal Bowersox, and Locke got run over. What does it all mean? Let's investigate in a round of Questions and Answers.
Did the smoke monster used to pose as Jack's dad?
Yes. Please update Lostpedia at the episode's end to make a note of it.
But why?
Because he just wanted to help Jack find some water! Also, because some smoke-manifested scotch in a conspicuously rattling tumbler goes down so smooth.
Is Sawyer hitting on Kate?
It'd never work, sweetheart. He's a cop, she's a murderer. He's Team Leno, she's Team Conan. Let's call the whole thing off.
Should Kate wear ballcaps more often?
Probably not.
Were you a little bit weirded out by Desmond's insistent manner with Claire?
Why yes, in fact! Listen, bub: the next time you want to hijack some pregnant lady's elevator, insist that she go to a lawyer you've picked out especially for her, and convince her that there's a clue residing deep inside her cleavage that you'll have to go fishing for lips-first, just know that it could get you demoted from series regular to "recurring for the last five episodes."
What's Ilana's last name?
"Verdansky" -- not "Radzinsky," as her portrayer Zukleikha Robinson had claimed in an interview with Vulture. In all fairness, when your last name is vaguely Russian-sounding and not just an on-the-nose allusion to a famous philosopher, it's easy to get confused.
Does Lawyer Ilana look a whole lot like Lawyer Julianna Margulies?
Totally! And is Laywer Ilana gauging whether she should forgive Philandering Pilot Lapidus, or draw her domestic drama out for at least one more season? Almost certainly.
Who drew Locke's kinda remedial map of the island's shore?
Let's hope for his sake that it was Zack and Emma. Apparently, Locke has learned absolutely nothing from that art teacher he recruited earlier this century, promised a far better sideways life to, then mercilessly smoke-smote.
Does Kate know anything about sailing?
Boy, does she! Among Kate's other hidden talents, accrued from her fugitive days and totally useful for any upcoming Lost contrivance: tracking someone through a forest, commandeering a submarine, flying a left-over Ajira plane (she learned how to once in a two-week online course), ratcheting up the tension of a love triangle, and stealing time to perfectly manicure one's eyebrows.
What's up with Sayid's accent?
It's like so: give Naveen Andrews two background scenes and three lines an episode, and you get British. Give him major subplots, a Desmond confrontation, and a sideways scene, and he'll see if he can't nudge it to Iraqi. Your call, writers!
How did Libby have so much more access to Botox when she was on the island, as opposed to her flash-sideways?
That was last week's episode. Do try to keep up.
Where did Sawyer come up with that hose trick?
Oh, that's classic Sawyer! He's always pulling these garden hose cons that tend to fool easily seducible day players and six-season-long regulars alike.
Which Burt Reynolds movie did Frank Lapidus step out of?
With that devil-may-care insouciance and lush forest of exposed chest hair? No movie at all; rather, Lapidus is the Burt Reynolds Cosmo spread incarnate!
Have you seen...my husband? Is he on...this island?
Just wait until the last act, Sun.
Whose sailboat is that?
Once upon a time, Libby gave it to Desmond for his race around the world. More recently, Sun shot the chick from Deadwood on it.
Is it a good idea to splinter off from your island-trekking group and abandon the crazy blonde with an abandonment complex?
Probably not, as she's prone to follow you and pull a gun on your faction just as you're getting away. Sure, you might be able to guilt her into giving up her rifle in order to get on your boat, but don't be surprised if she mysteriously has it again when you make contact with Widmore!
Who's Jack's ex-babymama?
It could be Juliet, it could be Ana-Lucia, it could be Rousseau, or it could be Vincent; only one thing is for sure, and that is that said mystery ex will keep filling up her day planner until she's called upon to make a cameo in the series finale.
Jack's sideways-son...did his voice break?
Always after that Justin Bieber-chasing demographic, aren't you, Lost? No matter what, #jackskindaaloofbutpossiblereconcilingson is not going to become a trending topic.
What's up with Ilana's accent?
It's like so: execute Zuleikha Robinson's character in a tossed-off joke of a scene that doesn't even merit an act break, and she'll decide, "Hey, I never got my own centric episode. Why should I worry about sounding vaguely Russian anymore?"
Why doesn't Jack wanna leave the island?
They have pills for that. And trust me, Jack's already convinced another doctor to write him a scrip for those.
How terrifying was the threat of Sun, Jin, or both being murdered during their reunion?
Very! From their decision to embrace right in the brain-melting radius of the sonic pylons to their declaration that they'll never be parted, delivered in front of several men with guns for maximum island-baiting irony, it seemed certain that we would cut to the title card with at least one series regular down for the count.
Was Sun's aphasia subplot a plan to poignantly reverse the roles she and Jin played during season one, so that now she would be the one with limited communication skills, and he would have to interpret for her?
Nope.
But why did they even bother with that if--
Look! Explosions!