Idol's double-homicide last night had the air of an overdue spring cleaning. It was as if the voting public said, "What's this bland 17-year-old girl doing stocked with the linens? I'll give her to Amvets." Nonetheless, we did lose two "talented" (read: in tune) vocalists somewhere in Adam Lambert's green smoke last night. They deserve a proper eulogy like any other victims of the Urbanator.
Andrew Garcia
Legacy: Referenced Paula Abdul in the best ways possible: 1) with an acoustic take on "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week, and 2) with oversize blazers every week! Unfortunately he didn't pair them with leggings or a dancing animated cat, and that's why he's dead now. Andrew's performances of "Sugar We're Going Down" and "Forever" also caused multiple preteens to blow kisses in the wind and experiment with their cold-hearted snakes.
What Could've Been: More vastly inappropriate song choices! If he deemed "Genie in a Bottle" workable material, anything is possible. For next week's "Inspirational" theme, he might've chosen life-affirming jams such as "Janie's Got a Gun" or "Fast Car" or an unreleased Insane Clown Posse b-side called "F*ck This Life (I'm Motherf*ckin' Ditchin' My Kids)." For Disco Week, he'd have stepped up and chosen "Best of My Love," sounding real twee during the "Sooo-hooo! Soo-hoo! I got ta' have ya, bay-bay" parts. I'm nostalgic for how unbearable it'd have been already.
We Already Miss: Calling him Eggbert. Calling him a Jonah Hill sketch character. Calling him a khaki-dressed peanut M&M. Calling him things so we didn't have to deal with Andrew Garcia as an entity.
Closing Remarks: After establishing himself as an early front-runner, Andrew slipped up with lame song choices, creepy vocals, and a general lack of Idol moments. Hopefully his friendship with Lee Dewyze will survive this -- if only so Lee's howl next week doesn't resemble a master-mourning basset hound's.
Katie Stevens
Legacy: The Principal's Bossy Niece could take any karaoke-killed ballad from the second half of the 20th century and... acknowledge that it existed. Blandly. But talk about consistency! She packed the emotional wallop of Dora the Explorer, and maybe her future is in luxury blue backpacks.
What Could've Been: The most predictable song choices in all of Idol's history. Some "I Turn to You" by Christina Aguilera for Inspirational Week? Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" for Tolerable Jackson Family Members Week? Patsy Cline's "Crazy" during Grand Ole Opry week? Oh, honey. Please consider picking up either a musical sensibility or a G.E.D.
We Already Miss: Her well-done performance of "Let It Be." I knew to miss that sucker right away.
Closing Remarks: Katie, you spent your Idol tenure loosing a deep voice and waiting for the judges to assign it a bankable genre. Not once did you invent your own style, which is worth a finger-wag. You waited and waited to become relevant, and you never arrived at individuality when browsing Limited Express's turquoise sack-dress rack. I believe it is still in there somewhere. Unfortunately, the thing you do best is talk at length about yourself, your dad, and your gentlemen callers from Gmail. All right, fine. You can have a BET talk show. Now get.