Only a couple weeks after S. Epatha Merkerson announced her departure from the pretty-much-deflated Law & Order, producer Dick Wolf appears to have a new L&O iteration for us. According to Deadline, NBC has picked up Law and Order: Los Angeles (aka LOLA) for a 13-episode order this fall. After a generation of arrest and prosecution, can we really handle another version of L&O, let alone one without the oaken timbre of Sam Waterston's voice? TVLine's instant-messaging monarchs are raring to prove we can -- in just a few steps:
Louis: Can we figure out how to make Law and Order: Los Angeles relevant? Help me, Julie!
Julie: This is lame -- but you must have Aimee Mann insult the rapper-turned-actor cast as the show's street-smart detective. I vote for Masta P. Master P? Master.
Louis: Master P's qualified. As for the Mariska/Angie Harmon part: Hmmmm. She needs to be a blast from the past who is the polar opposite of Master P. I want doe eyes.
Julie I see.
Louis: I am pleased to announce that Danica McKellar is available.
Julie: Yes on Danica. Master P's casting would also mean there could be an amazing guest-star stint by Romeo in the first season. I want to go ahead and cast Romeo as a foster child who allegedly molested and killed one of his foster sisters.
Louis: This is all so right and easy. Special Child Rappers Unit. But I'm worried about the format itself -- How are we going to improve upon or make interesting the cops-to-lawyers formula? Can we add another stage? Maybe there's a section in between where Danica goes over the entire case in a bedroom mirror monologue? And in the season closer... she PUNCHES the mirror. (Difficult case concerning her first gymnastics coach.)
Julie: Would that happen every episode?
Louis: Yes.
Julie: I'm taking every part of this conversation seriously. But the only way this show could be a step-up from the other Law & Orders on television right now is if they brought back Vincent D'Onofrio. I'm sorry, but that is literally the. only. option.
Louis: I like the idea of a veteran jumping aboard with a Richard Belzer-esque crossover.
Julie: "When Detective Robert Goren is transferred to the LA Unit..." Anyway, anyway.
Louis: Yes, that's it! I also think LA needs to have a certain pull on the proceedings. I have an idea: What if the cops auditioned for TV cameos during their off-time? "There's been a murder -- and I'm playing a disapproving bartender in Accidentally on Purpose."
Julie: Someone else is trying to start up a talent management business. He's taking calls from producers at the crime scene.
Louis: Total wiseguy. Veronica Mars's Jason Dohring. Pretty, pretty please.
Julie: One of the lead detectives also has to have a really complex past involving the industry. Like, he was an on-the-cusp stuntman until he accidentally killed the alligator playing Elvis on Miami Vice.
Louis: That sentence makes me feel like falling in love.
Julie: Now, any time he sees alligator purses/shoes/briefcases, he blacks out and sometimes tumbles into a violent rage. This happened once during a witness questioning.
Louis: Is "Julie Miller" code for "Dick Wolf Deluxe"? Please check yes or yes.
Julie: The witness had heard about the incident, casually mentioned large reptiles or Lubriderm commercials or something, and Barnie flew off the handle. I don't know. (If anyone from Law & Order is reading this, yes I am available to intern.)
Louis: Episode 1.06: "Scales of Justice."
Julie: There have to be flashbacks, too. Barnie's "episodes" become so dangerous to those around him that his partner tries to arrange a meeting with Miami Vice star Don Johnson to finally put the incident behind him.
Louis: Chilling! Barnie is a man unhinged. Master P wants him off the job while Danica knows that behind the traumatized eyes is a potential Human Target star with a dream deferred.
Julie: I could talk about this all day.
Louis: Have we established that Barnie is played by, you know, Erik Estrada or someone similar?
Julie: I like that.
Louis: Throw in a few cynical wide shots of the Santa Monica pier, and we have a syndicated-on-arrival drama on our hands. To another 17 years!
Julie: Salut!