Behold: 60 minutes of Runway tumult! Tectonic plates are jutting out of the workroom! Did you survive? Did you caterwaul for mercy, hide in a doorway or wait for Michael Kors to explain everything with a hooker metaphor? Or, like me, did you think this mania was all a little weird? Quickly -- let's make super-sense of this sub-suspense.
Opening Remarks
First things first: I hate the openings lately. The combatants pine blankly for fallen castmates and utter the phrase "He/She was a good designer" like someone was mangled in a pleating snafu. Come on. Mila's sendoffs smack of sad-sack narrations from Our Town, and no one wants to hear her bitching about who should go to Grovers Corners fashion week.
But this week is different. Anthony's elimination stings like a scorpion-infested sleeping bag, and I want someone to explain it to me. It hurts. While we await the Kennedy Center Honors for Anthony's full tribute, Seth Aaron sums up his tenure nicely.
"A lot of jacked-up bullsh*t will be gone," he hoots, imitating that southern sassy-molassey homosexuality. "That means a lot of fun [is gone.]"
Aw. Time for Mila to ruin that sentiment with her delusions.
"The judges were extremely hard on everyone," she claims. Good guess! You're close! They eviscerated your misshapen tarp with the quasi-ethnic striping because it was un-fabulous, heavy, and like a scorpion-infested sleeping bag. Similes: I Can't Think of That Many! On to this week's prompt.
The Challenge
Heidi storms the runway and gets eyebrowy.
"Hello," she says, chirping forth a good-cop salutation. "This week, designers, you'll be designing for a very demanding client. A celebrity. A supermodel. A Gemini. A blonde pregnant woman. A person who is standing in front of you. A woman who is Heidi Klum. A registered sex offender. Tim will explain in the workroom. Baiii."
Seth Aaron is just baffled and hopes he'll meet Bruce Willis today. The other designers join him at the workstations while Tim appears and readies a big reveal.
"Do you want to meet your celebrity, designers?" he murmurs. "Here she is!"
Heidi emerges from the back while the designers deploy golf claps and Tim sings "Kiss From a Rose." The applause dies down and Heidi takes a breath before scat-singing orders.
"You're designing a runway look for me -- which means no terribleness, Jonathan. Maya, try to amp up your design beyond a silence. Everyone else, design me something that will look good on my non-pregnant body, which I will have in the first ten minutes after dropping this kid."
The Workroom
This generic red-carpet challenge enthralls the designers. Jay, Mila, Seth Aaron, and Emilio convulse with ideas. Jonathan's thrilled. Maya puts down her pen and leaves the room. No one notices until Tim reenters the room with her, practically pinching her precious ear and preparing to throw her in the Chokey.
"Designers, I need to have an important conversation with you," he says. "Rather, your colleague Maya will do the talking. Go on, Maya. Tell them what you told me. Tell them all! I will look away and mutter."
Maya quietly admits that she chose to leave the competition. Balderdash! Gasps fill the room, and a few designers pretend to stop her. Mila's Cheerio-mouth expands to a regular mood ring. "I'm not ready to go all the way yet," Maya explains. "I know my limits." That's verbatim -- not lyrics from Taylor Dayne's "Don't Rush Me." It's as simple a resignation as that, and Maya hugs the five others goodbye.
Infuriating! And yet -- a little provocative. The 22-year-old may have been ill-prepared for the responsibilities of a post-Runway career, but Maya's lack of "readiness" is so sudden and bizarre that we'll need to hear her side of the story in order to make judgments. You know where this is going, right? My interview with Maya will be posted later today! Cute how I set that up, right? Aw. Louis. You make loving fun.
But that's not all the romcom-dramz for today. Emilio immediately tells the camera that "quitters never win," which is enlightening of him. Then Tim reappears in the workroom and is peering way-the-hell-over his spectacles. Something's rotten in the state of den-father.
"You know the rules," Tim says. "We can't have only five designers today. We need six. And that means..."
The Twist
Sugarbaker fist-pumps flying, because Anthony is back! He skips through the swinging door with a Mentadent smile, like Tim's tossing free Wonka Bars to the public. That sly minx! He feigned a real elimination when we spoke with him last week. Well-disguised, my good man. In his first confessional back, he proves he's got a wheelbarrow of sass to spare.
"You should be happy I'm back. I like me, and you should like me too."
OK. We missed him more than we understood. This is wonderful. Tim says that Anthony will be allowed extra time to catch up with the other sartorial smacktalkers.
Once he's caught up a few hours later, Heidi enters the workroom with Tim and evaluates the progress of the designers. She is not nice to Mila, which makes for cathartic viewing.
"It's not too simple for me," Heidi says, seeming to appreciate her work at first. "But -- are the other dresses better?"
Ha! Never change, Heidi. Have a kickass summer. First-period biology forever! K.I.T. Signed, Yer Locker Budday -- MoViELiNe. P.S. We put out.
Ready to see what the designers turned out? Let's crack a whip at the final designs and protect Heidi's red-carpet affair from dowdy sorcerers of the underworld.
The Runway
Heidi introduces Lucy Ricardo-McGillicuddy-Kors and Ricky Ricardo-Garcia before unveiling a surprise -- a guest-judge in the form of legendary person Jessica Alba. The designers clap in awe, because they just loved Honey.
The show begins now!
Mila produces a puckery black dress with metallic trimmings. It's skimpy and color-blocked and a registered trademark of Mila-Vision. Fourth-place at best.
Jonathan was forced to scrap two previous attempts at a passable outfit. His last try is an overbearingly beige, outrageously short number with slight touches of red and black draping. From the back, there's an organic swoop that flatters his model (the problem-magnetic Brandice). From the front, nothing fits together. It looks like mismatched sheets of sandpaper.
Emilio utilizes an attractive fabric in a glittery root beer hue. The real star of this basic column dress is the fit, which hugs the model in the most glamorously Edith Head way possible.
Jay fashions a cumulonimbus-colored corset with a fluffy ass. That about does it. See you in the bottom two, Jean-Shorted One.
Seth Aaron comes up with a black, ribbed dress with vertical rods lining the bodice. Heidi doesn't do rods, Seth Aaron. People will stare, and all the gossip columns will vomit up headlines like "You Rod-da Be KIDDING Us!" and "Who Let the RODS Out?" and "Rod You Glad You Didn't Say Banana?" and other Algonquin Round Table classics. Shameful.
Anthony gives us a flowing black-and-white number that appears dated to my eyes. Heidi and Jessica both love it, and Jessica threatens to borrow it from Heidi. Heidi threatens to bring up Jessica's career, and Jessica will just shut up for a second now.
Rational decisions be damned: Two winners are declared! Emilio and Anthony rack up victories, and Jessica Alba says she'll wear Anthony's dress at an upcoming grocery store visit, or something. The bottom two are Jonathan and Jay, and because damning Jonathan's work is in vogue at the moment, he is eliminated. There you have it -- a devastating day of Runway eliminations, resignations, comebacks, and downfalls. We'll have our interviews with Jonathan and Maya up by day's end. In the meantime, what did you think of this episode? Was Maya right to leave? Was Jonathan unjustly auf'd? Was Heidi a gorgon in gorgeous clothing? You've rod-da let us know.