Previously on Lost: Sawyer plays a record, sadly. Sayid returns from the dead. Kate seems useless. Ilana makes Ben dig his own grave, then doesn't make him climb in. Richard experiences existential despair, applies more eyeliner. Jack smashes some mirrors in the lighthouse out of fear and frustration. Desmond types a string of numbers into an old computer deep inside an underground bunker to stop some unknown "bad" thing from happening. A plane crashes on a mysterious island. A network exec approves a show about a plane crashing on a mysterious island.
Please join us, if you will, as we finally fling open the Door of Questions on the Lost submarine and release the Answers within for this week's episode:
So is the "cork" still in the "bottle"?
It would appear that way. For now.
And the island is the "cork," but the "bottle" is...?
Please deconstruct metaphors on your own time.
If U.S. customs confiscates the undocumented $25,000 in cash that you, a South Korean citizen, are trying to deliver to one of your terrifying boss's presumably equally terrifying associates, do you a) shrug your shoulders and walk away from the money, helpless against a foreign bureaucracy, even if this likely means moral peril down the road or b) fill out some forms in hopes of getting the money back?
It's "a," no brainer. How are you supposed to fill out all those confusing English forms? You take your chances that you're going to wind up in someone's walk-in refrigerator. There's no fighting the U.S. government. But hey, you get to keep the watch!
Why doesn't Sayid "feel" anymore?
Because he's "claimed." Also, because he's a zombie, who are not known for their range of emotions. Soon he will discover a thirst for brains, and, at that moment, Ben Linus is in a lot of trouble.
Hey, what's this giant V clock in the right hand corner of my screen?
That is a helpful reminder about the exact number of minutes and seconds until V, a show that ABC thinks you're going to love, returns to primetime! Isn't that great? Just so great.
Is it ever going away?
Give it a few minutes. It'll go away for a little while. But it'll be back very soon, promise!
What substance would Richard Alpert need to be slathered in for Hurley to find him in the jungle?
According to Miles: "Unless Alpert's covered in bacon grease, I don't think Hurley's tracking anything."
Other acceptable answers:
*Twinkie cream
*Del Taco Del Scorcho sauce
*Chipotle aioli
*Mint Oreo filling
*Any flavor of Betty Crocker® frosting
*Pure lard
In the flash sideways (hey, it's back this week!), Sun and Jin aren't married?
They are not only not married, but afraid that Sun's scary father (still Jin's boss in this timeline) will find out that Jin is regularly and lustily making love to his precious daughter. (Of course, it turns out that he already knows.) So afraid, in fact, that he makes sure they've booked separate hotel rooms, just in cast the old man checks up on them, hopefully not in the middle of an erotic game of "How many buttons on this sweater can Sun unbutton before they are going at it like crazed weasels in heat, the possibly fatal consequences be damned?"
Could that close-up on Sun's bra have been any tighter?
Let's not be prudes, OK? This is network television. Ratings matter. We don't hear you complaining that Sawyer's spent all five-plus seasons shirtless and oiled up in his own sweat. You sicken us with your sexist double standards.
Ugh, the V clock is back. HOW DO I MAKE IT GO AWAY?
You can't. Learn to love the V clock. The V clock is there for you. How else will you know exactly how long until V is on, right in the middle of your favorite TV show?
If I shoot the television, WILL IT FINALLY GO AWAY? Please, God, make it go away!!!
If you shoot your television, you're not going to be able to watch an all-new episode of V, premiering in just 14 minutes and 55 seconds! And God cannot help you now.
If a strange being who seems to be inhabiting the body of a friend you know to be dead says he'll reunite you with your estranged husband if you just come with him, do you trust him?
No, you run like hell. Until you conk your head on a tree and are knocked unconscious.
When Smokey is chasing Sun through the jungle, why does he bother running after her when he could just turn to a pillar of smoke and easily capture her?
Because he'd try to interfere with her free will to run away. The only time he kind of disregards the whole "free will" thing is when he's mercilessly slaughtering hippies who don't want him to leave the island.
Where have we previously seen this strange room where Zoe is holding a captured Jin, with all the bullhorns and crazy images on the wall?
The Dharma Initiative's Psychedelic Chamber Of Brainwashing Insanity (or Room 23 for short) was where Ben stashed Alex's boyfriend Karl to prevent him from zooming his daughter. The fathers on this show seem quite preoccupied with maintaining their little princesses' virtue.
Why does Smokey need a boat to get to Hydra Island? Can't he just turn to smoke and fly his ass over the water?
If he could do that, do you think he'd still be on this island? Of course not, because that would be ridiculous.
So Smokey can't smoke himself off the island, but he can paddle himself off the island in an outrigger canoe?
Well, just as far as Hydra. Probably. Look, being a smoke monster that assumes the shape of dead people comes with a lot of rules, OK? You just have to figure it out as you go along. It's not like the job comes with a manual to explain all this stuff. And that Jacob guy is no help at all.
Why can no one believe that Ben was just minding his own business, innocently gathering some mangoes for all his friends, when he stumbled upon an unconscious Sun in the jungle, who, by the way, now can only speak in Korean?
No one will cut that dude any slack. Isn't it clear his murdering/lying/manipulating days are behind him? He was getting mangoes for everybody! What else does he need to do to show everyone he's a changed man? Kill another god?
Should anyone trust the inscrutable billionaire with his own sub who knows enough about Smokey to set up a Sonic Smokey Fence on Hydra Island?
Who are you going to trust, the massacre-happy smoke monster, or the guy who generously shows Jin some super-adorable pictures of the daughter he's never met?
What's "The Package"?
It's not a what. It's a who. And we think we all knew he/it was going to be Desmond. Which he/it was. Sometimes Lost delivers exactly what you expect. (And sometimes you spend a season time-traveling and turning frozen donkey wheels.)
Wouldn't "The Package" be an amazing Jersey Shore nickname?
D-Money would smoosh so many poof-having guidettes in that hot tub.
Shouldn't "Patchy" Mikhail (now Keamy's goon translator in the flash-sideways) have lost an eye by now?
Wait for it...Oh, Jin just shot him in the face. There, balance has been restored.
Is it a good idea to have a gunfight in an small, enclosed space, like a restaurant kitchen, with a pregnant lady nearby?
This always proves a terrible idea. She's inevitably going to wind up with a bullet in the belly.
Sawyer sure says "son of a bitch" a lot, doesn't he?