You have to hand it to these Olympic-size fools: The contestants on Celebrity Apprentice pad the show's 120-minute runtime with enough self-doubt, theories about Cyndi Lauper's medicine cabinet and idiocy to make this schmaltz kamikaze bearable. Last night, medal-decorated athletes Summer Sanders and Michael Johnson led their teams in campaigns against identity theft (worst challenge ever, by the way), but the No. 1 moment of the night has nothing to do their middling Powerpoint presentations. Quick, pile in after the jump before Don Trump Jr. slicks you into his gelatinous 'do, compromising your identity forever.
5. Darryl Strawberry wants to get the hell out of here once every 10 times you ask.
Trump: "Darryl, do you want to leave the competition? You don't deserve to go."
Strawberry: "I'm here for my team."
Trump: "Darryl, do you want to leave the competition? You don't deserve to go."
Strawberry: "No, I don't want to go. Michael did a great job."
Trump: "Darryl, do you want to leave the competition? You don't deserve to go."
Strawberry: "Yes, in a cannon, please!"
And so it was. What an awkward, senseless boardroom deliberation. Darryl had no chance of winning, but Lady Robinson-Peete correctly noted that ditching his charity was a stupid decision. It's not the kind of attitude that hangs well with Mr. Cooper.
4. Summer Sanders breaststrokes through the tears
You'd be a dear and an imbecile not to have recognized early on that Summer had this challenge in the bag. Her delegation skills? Her ability to make Cyndi leave the decision-making area and enter traffic? Her infinitely more believable advertorial? All top-notch. When she wept after winning the challenge, we all knew the secret slime action was "a job well done."
3. Sharon Osbourne is an old-timey detective, and the classy dame that entered her office is your identity.
Her ad campaign was a stunner, but it was also hilarious. "Ozzy! Let me take your motherf*cking case!" Enjoy.
2. Cyndi Lauper's penchant for physical labor
Either Cyndi Lauper is consciously channeling the spirit of Captain Lou Albano 24/7, or she just likes picking up benches and carpets and Dennis Rodman (?!) all the time. She's also a canny player at this game. I suspect she thinks she'll make it far if she continues moving heavy stuff while cameras capture it. Twenty-five years on, she's so unusual.
1. You can't go homerow again, Rod
I'm from Illinois. For those of you who can say the same thing, how many times did you mutter, "My poor state" last night? A hundred? Couple thou? It's bad enough that Blagojevich grins and gabs like a Hungry, Hungry Hippo with Washington ambitions; he also doesn't know how to operate a keyboard, computer programs, a computer, things or anything but delirious handshakes. When you're asking Take Home Chef how to turn on the computer, it might be time to turn off the pathetic, can-do speechifying for a minute.