Forcing past stomach butterflies is apparently a difficult trick on American Idol. The more fortunate performers conquered their nerves for "Rolling Stones Week" and emulated Mick Jagger by strutting, rooster-dancing, Tyler Grady-conjuring, and daring to sing. Their success was sometimes so grand that Johnny Depp threatened to base his next film character on a kooky old coot somewhere in the room. Hide, Lacey Brown! We rank the night's renditions one by one -- with helpful visual aids -- after the jump.
12. Tim Urban, "Under My Thumb"
I was just thinking about how misogyny needed a Caribbean beat. Our man McFly pulled through with his easygoing, hilarious version of the Stones' he-man-woman-hating hit.
11. Katie Stevens, "Wild Horses"
Katie Stevens made her Top 12 debut with a razzle-dazzle combo of conventional singing and a first Communion gown. Very Madonna! Except so, so not. For being 16 years old, Katie's performances always ring of "old mare." You can't just have a hit with a Diane Warren record anymore, Katie. Try out again 10 years ago.
10. Michael Lynche, "Miss You
Who can handle the unanimous shilling for Mike Lynche? Far as I can tell, he just adopts a Maurice Gibb falsetto and stomps around like a no-good baby genius from a later Dom DeLuise picture. The artistic integrity isn't there! And his wife refuses to update us on the width of her cervix, so I can't guarantee there's a thing to care about here.
9. Paige Miles, "Honky Tonk Women
The generically all-American hit is perfect for Paige, who refuses to have an identity because of her religion, or something. She'll float on this week thanks to the ounce of rip-roaring vocals she added to the honky tonk jam, but otherwise, I still need a reason to remember not to call her "Paige Davis" in my head.
8. Lacey Brown, "Ruby Tuesday"
"Ruby Tuesday" holds a special place in Lacey Brown's life, as it came out sometime near her 20th birthday. Girlfriend looks a little 63-ish. Her performance of the Stones standard benefited from a fine arrangement, aside from those twee "still-I'm-gonna-miss-youuuu"s. I notice she sits down whenever the beat picks up, and the judges will now exchange worried glances and fear for her circulation.
7. Aaron Kelly, "Angie"
Once again, a star is unborn. The freewheeling fetus approached "Angie" without bombast or gurgles of fluid. At this rate, he's destined for, say, an eighth place finish. But someone's sleeping fine in his amniotic sac tonight.
6. Andrew Garcia, "Gimme Shelter"
He's plateaued, yes, but Andrew's vocals catapulted him back into the competition this week. And none of Christina Aguilera's rubbable genies had to pop of their herpes-infested Disney vaults to make it happen. Bravo, Mr. Garcia. You avoided a second artistic Altamont.
5. Casey James, "It's All Over Now"
When Casey started playing the guitar without touching the chords, I knew a renaissance man was in our midst. Or a LIAR. Watch that performance and explain that one-handed playing to me, someone! It's so effing weird. (A Movieline commenter just explained it all to me. See below.) Casey's vocals were fine, his charm hinged on whether he was smiling, and the final product was a delicate iTunes purchase. Altogether, it's a bit of a win. A single button-tug in the awkward male stripping of life.
4. Lee Dewyze, "Beast of Burden"
In what was his best performance of the competition, Dough-Eyes/Doozy jauntily clanged and howled through a streamlined take on "Beast of Burden." Simon hawed a bit, but he's just upset that Susan Boyle didn't have the cleverness and low self-esteem to cover this instead of "Wild Horses."
3. Didi Benami, "Play With Fire"
Let's count the things I'm forgiving: 1) The lyric slip-up midway through. 2) The weird last note. 3) The Medieval Times "opening trot" arrangement. The wild horses wave at the crowd and kneel! Didi's choice of "Play With Fire" was simply genius, a nervy advancement upon her usual bleating. She's not just the tears-ready gypsy with bangles and home-school values -- she's a hardened LA veteran with sparks under her coals. Quoth Didi: Meow. Also, get a load of that excellent critique from Kara. I can't believe it either forever too.
2. Crystal Bowersox, "You Can't Always Get What You Want"
Shockingly, the first few bars of this rendition were pedestrian. I felt like I was in the drugstore getting my prescription filled. Of valium, bitches. Nevertheless, the dreadlockyrie stepped up the showmanship with playful asides and apparent motor skills. A revelation.
1. Siobhan Magnus, "Paint It Black"
Siobhan rippled the mighty Cowell brow last night, as she tore into, hacked at and performed sassy alchemy on "Paint It Black." While the final screams weren't flawless, they were, um, otherworldly. Somewhere between Neptune and Melmac, if you ask me.