We've survived three weeks of live Idol shows, and we have interesting artifacts to show for it: a front-runner in Crystal Bowersox, a lucky holdout in Tim Urban, and some of the stupidest comments ever from Ryan Seacrest's quartet of justices. Whether it was Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres, Kara DioGuardi, or Randy Jackson, someone always managed to burgle the turd, reference the wrong song, call a piano a guitar, or invent new ways to spread idiocy. But who gave us the dumbest comment of them all? Our winner may surprise you -- with a poetic quote about "reality."
12. Ellen
The Comment: "You set the bar so high with the Paula Abdul song. That's the problem. We're always going to be disappointed, because that was such a great song."
Spoken to: Andrew Garcia, after his performance of James Morrison's "You Give Me Something"
Pitch Problem: Ellen tried to sound either incisive or inoffensive here, and neither occurred. To this day, the judges treat Andrew Garcia's Hollywood Week version of "Straight Up" like an acoustic revelation. Sure, Garcia made the song fun and urgent, but it was a gimmick -- and therefore not 100% fabulous. When Ellen said he'd always disappoint now that "Straight Up" is just a memory, she generalized his body of work and his entire future on the show. She should've saved the unwitting meanness for his take on "Genie in a Bottle."
11. Simon
The Comment: "I completely misunderestimated you from last week."
Spoken to: Crystal Bowersox, after her performance of Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Long As I Can See the Light"
Pitch Problem: That's not a word. Heh.
10. Simon
The Comment: "So the one with the most potential, to answer your question, is Paige."
Spoken to: Katelyn Epperly and Paige Miles, as both faced elimination.
Pitch Problem: Katelyn Epperly reinvented Coldplay's "The Scientist," dug into Carole King's "I Feel the Earth Move," and respectably trilled The Beatles' "Oh! Darling." That's quite a range. And she's got a powerful voice to match. Paige Miles's renditions of "All Right Now," "Walk Away," and "Smile" are nondescript exercises in underachievement. Simon's insistence that Miles, his onetime favorite, fared better than Epperly seemed utterly unqualified.
9. Randy
Comment #1: "Singing Jason Mraz is tough because he's such a stylized artist."
Speaking to: Joe Munoz, after his performance of Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours"
Comment #2: "[Kelly Clarkson] is so good and so stylized."
Spoken to: Katie Stevens, after her performance of Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway"
Pitch Problem: Whether you love or loathe Kelly Clarkson and Jason Mraz, no one can argue that either is pointedly "stylized." Jason Mraz twee-raps kind of fast. Kelly Clarkson is known to get angst-ridden. But these artists are as generic as the small town grocery store where you'd hear them both over the PA.
8. Simon
The Comment: "I would say you're definitely the most improved artist. Because what you've got now, is you've got confidence. And I can see that. And you start to believe in yourself."
Spoken to: Crystal Bowersox, after her performance of Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason"
Pitch Problem: Crystal Bowersox is one of the only performers who, from the start, didn't burst with untamed facial tics and vocal snags when stuck in front of a camera. Simon is confusing "confidence issues" with "not looking exactly like Leona Lewis."
7. Kara
The Comment: "Casey, I don't recognize you with your shirt on, first off -- you know, [from] the last time we saw each other. It was hard for me to listen to that because I'm married -- honey, I love you! -- I think you got a little pitchy when I was in your arms at one point in the chorus, I think. But, yeah, you know, Ellen, you seem... (trails off in ecstasy).
Spoken to: Casey James, after his performance of Bryan Adams's "Heaven"
Pitch Problem: Kara is under the impression that her audition conversation with Casey James, when she ordered him to take off his shirt, was funny and memorable. Actually, it was gross, uncomfortable. and maybe he could sue. This time Kara played into an imaginary idea that we believe her schlocky acting. Even Casey wanted that tired bit to die.
6. Ellen
The Comment: "Just try to feel the song a tiny, tiny bit more if you're going to do a song like that."
Spoken to: John Park, after his performance of John Mayer's "Gravity"
Pitch Problem: The issue with selecting the worst Ellen quotes is they're generally bland and meaningless -- neither memorably bad or good. If she has any continued problem, it's that she waters her criticisms down so as not to offend, or even disagree with anyone in the room. John Park botched his John Mayer performance, and all Ellen offered was this senseless bit of "advice." "Feel the song a tiny, tiny bit more?" I'll get on it?
5. Simon
The Comment: "You've got to look at someone like Justin Bieber."
Spoken to: Aaron Kelly, after his performance of The Temptations' "My Girl"
Pitch Problem: Simon muttered it under his breath, but by God, he said it. Justin Bieber is a cooing R&B/pop 16-year-old. Aaron Kelly is a 16-year-old country-pop singer with a penchant for old folks' material. This means Simon has never heard a Justin Bieber song, because there's no comparison here. It makes sense to compare contestants to successful artists, since ultimately they'll compete against one another, but it makes no sense to compare two singers based on age and gender alone.
4. Kara
The Comment: "It's a happy song! Because you're a happy girl. No "Landslide," depressing song. It's not for you. This is for you. Happy, smiling people -- Lacey Brown."
Spoken to: Lacey Brown, after her performance of Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me"
Pitch Problem: Imagine if a male record exec said this to a young chanteuse. It would sound so satirical, so caricatured, and so hackneyed that the guy who produced The Brady Bunch's "Johnny Bravo" would seem jarringly real in comparison. Also, Kara, the REM song is called "Shiny, Happy People," if that's what you were referencing.
3. Simon
Comment #1: "I've gotta give you ten out of ten for trying."
Spoken to: Katie Stevens, after her performance of Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway"
Comment #2: "I wasn't quite such a fan of that. I thought from the interview beforehand, to the performance, to what you're wearing, it was all a bit weird. You didn't do anything with the song. There were no real moments in there."
Spoken to: Siobhan Magnus, after her performance of "House of the Rising Sun"
Pitch Problem: You can't call Katie Stevens daring for choosing a Kelly Clarkson song and then condemn Siobhan Magnus for her wholly original choice and spin on "House of the Rising Sun." "No real moments in there"? You mean, besides the towering a cappella, Ronstadtian phrasing, and feminine overhaul of a gritty '60s rock anthem? It's this kind of skewed judgment that makes me nauseous -- because it confirms that Simon prefers conventional female contestants who wear skirts, boots, and megatoothy grins. This kind of boorish authority is just no fun. (And of course, Simon shows none of this bias with the male contestants.)
2. Kara
The Comment: "I know we want you to smile and have fun. But if you knew the guy that I wrote that song about, and my relationship, and how upset I was... you wouldn't have been smiling when you were singing. It's kind of a bit angry! And that's what I missed from you -- kind of connecting to the fact that, you know, Kelly and all of us writing it were kind of not feeling the guys so much. So we wouldn't have been smiling when we were telling him to go take a hike."
Spoken to: Paige Miles. after her performance of Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away"
Pitch Problem: How disturbingly literal. If Paige is "smiling," that means she doesn't understand the song? More than any other comment, this superficial judgment discolored Kara's place at the Idol table.
1. Randy
The Comment: "Yo, Crystal, what up, baby? I'm chillin'. Listen, to me, I know this is a reality show, right? To me, truth is reality, right? What I mean by that is you are the truth. You do what you do."
Spoken to: Crystal Bowersox, after her performance of Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Long As I Can See the Light"
Pitch Problem: What. Crystal's soulful rendition was no time for Randy to pretend he understands slam poetry. What provoked this statement in the first place? Did Randy see a girl in dreadlocks and figure she spoke in high school sophomore platitudes? This was excruciating, and it substantiates Randy's position as the pitchiest dawg on the panel.