Celebrity Apprentice is back, and this time it has a couple of legendary Olympians to make you feel sad. Summer Sanders, Michael Johnson, and more expected reality show participants like Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, and Sinbad line the proceedings. How did the debut episode fare? Julie Miller and I break it down (and have a breakdown) after the jump.
Opening Thoughts
Julie: I am disgusted that at one point Bret Michaels shouts at a monitor, while the women argue in front of Donald, "Take your clothes off for the cat fight." He is shouting that at Carol Leifer and Sharon Osbourne. Until that point, I was pro-Michaels.
Louis: I can't believe the man behind "Rock of Love" is a compulsive misogynist either.
Julie: He had me when he started pounding fountain Cokes when his blood sugar ran low. But I just can't get past the fact that Bret Michaels shouted "take your clothes off for the cat fight" at Carol Leifer.
Louis: He called her "Rodeo" on accident several times.
Julie: For me, the high point of tonight's episode was when Cyndi invited her accordion-playing friend into the burger joint and broke out into a "True Colors" duet with Summer Sanders.
Louis: Working for it! It was straight-up, orphan-style Edith Piaf busking.
Julie: I heard that next week, Cyndi and that nameless Victoria's Secret model will belt out "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" while racing tourists around the LES on rickshaws.
Louis: Right. Then Sharon and Cyndi will trill "She Bop" to inner city girls in the "loving ourselves first" challenge. I'm actually mad at the girls' team. If they'd just doubled the price of their burger, they'd have won it. $8.95? Come on, Cyndi. That's how much we pay for a She's So Unusual minidisc. Not a burger.
Julie: Price points, man. I feel like this season of The Apprentice is missing a really young contestant. Or else a Kardashian. Don't you feel like something is missing?
Louis: You can't tell me Kylie Jenner would've turned this down. Hell, Ke$ha's not filling up Carnegie yet. Let's see her crunch some numbers.
Disgraces
Louis: What did you think of Rob Blagojevich's self-exoneration speeches? Did they make the truffle burgers better?
Julie: They really did. It was like dinner and a show in one. That is what he is going to do every episode too. The men's team will be coming up with a jingle for a new line of Arby's chicken products -- and Blagojevich will be telling his story to a PA just off camera.
Louis: It'll get to the point where Rod is pleading innocence with the carriage horse he's supposed to drive.
Julie: Ha! I'm glad they tossed Carol. She was dead weight.
Louis: Much as I love Carol and all lesbian screenwriter/producer/comedians of the '90s, she was the least enthused member of this group. Even though Selita made arguably one facial expression this episode, and it's one that kept saying, "I'm a little shocked!" And that beats Carol's "I'm a little bit weary of this life."
Julie: Which one was Selita? The Victoria's Secret model?
Louis: Yeah, the nameless one. Namelessa.
Julie: Let's stick with that name. To me, Carol was gone when she couldn't even operate the potato press (or whatever that tool was that cut potatoes into fries).
Louis: Her carnival barking wasn't inventive either. And who else were they going to eliminate? Holly Robinson-Peete? Excuse me, she is bringing one-liners right now.
Julie: Indeed.
We're Rooting For...
Louis: I have an insane soft spot for Summer Sanders. She's been a host on ESPN and Nickelodeon! What that means: She hosted a Nick game show called Figure It Out, and that gets me misty. The Secret Slime Action is: Touching me deeply. I actually do not care for ESPN.
Julie: Diabetic mysogynists everywhere are rooting for Bret Michaels. I'm surprised that he couldn't find a charity that would backpedal women's rights while raising money for those afflicted with diabetes. I also adore Summer Sanders. She is still America's sweetheart. And those biceps.
Louis: She's like the nicest girl ever who will completely kill you. I don't care for many of the guys. Michael Johnson? Goldberg? Sharon?
Julie: Haha. Bret Michaels needs to stay until the last week. Darryl Strawberry won some "cool points" with me when he immediately started speed dialing his big donor friends and identified himself as "Straw."
Louis: I can get behind "Straw" too.
Julie: Sinbad. Can you believe that Sinbad is on this show? He is the second biggest misogynist competing this season. Remember in the first 10 minutes when he tried to convince the other guys that female loose cannons will self-destruct while male loose cannons are rock solid. There was some kind of bizarre mysogylogic.
Louis: Mind you, this is the same man who had a famous stand-up bit where he ragged on McDonald's workers, and here is hawking burgers on the street.
Julie: Wikipedia fun fact about Sinbad: In 2009, Sinbad was placed in the top 10 of the 250 worst tax debtors for the state of California. The comedian owed the State 2.5 million dollars in personal tax income. That puts it all in perspective for me.
Louis: Julie, you try finding a blue vest and an orange shirt on budget!
Julie: Also, no one asked Summer and Sinbad who they brought in as donors. What's with that?
Louis: Well, Sinbad was in the clear because they won the challenge, but the point about Summer and Namelessa is valid. They also had the least important jobs, frankly. No one was eating those burgers. People were paying $1,500 to see Cyndi write down orders and say, "I'm writin' dan yeh owdah."
Julie: Sad but true. I really expected Rosie O'Donnell to make a donation for like $10,000. Just to come off as the better person in this Donald-Rosie standoff.
Louis: Ugh, that'd have been incredible. I mean, Rivers was there! Rosie should've come with her. Who's your ultimate pick to win?
Julie: Sharon Osbourne. She is so much bigger than any of this shit and makes no secret of it. She is running circles around all of these clowns. I don't even understand why she is doing the show. Who do you think?
Louis: Sharon, to me, is the obvious pick to win. If she can beat up a pixie like Dannii Minogue in the press, then she's Trump material.