American Idol's surviving ("competing" seems like an overstatement) eight dudes ripped through enough country jams and fossilized ballads to fill your average 4 a.m. infomercial. Unfortunately, these dudes couldn't sell anything. Let's rank these jank caterwaulers from #8-1.
8. Andrew Garcia: "Genie in a Bottle"
To my ears, "Genie in a Bottle" was not only a wretched choice, but an indication that Andrew Garcia doesn't belong in the competition. It's sort of unfair that the judges constantly reference his "Straight Up" performance from Hollywood Week when his "Sugar We're Going Down" from the Top 24 was also serviceable, but they needed to pitch a Jermaine Sellers-size fit for this one. The choice of the Christina Aguilera ditty was pure kitsch, a total gimmick meant to recall the fluffy "Straight Up"s acoustic treatment. At this point, Garcia is forfeiting his artistic identity and just pandering -- which made this whole performance even grosser (and sadder) than it already was. Rubbed me the wrong way, indeed.
7. Aaron Kelly: "I'm Already There"
Clarification: Aaron Kelly is not more talented than Andrew Garcia. In fact, his only chance at winning the competition is if he squints, contorts, and figures out how to resemble a Bowersox dreadlock. But the boy does have a shred of an identity, even if its "Bingo Night country entertainer at a rest home." His "I'm Already There" should solidify his gig there. Though I admit: I kinda dig his paralyzed-James-Brown stage presence.
6. Tim Urban "Hallelujah"
Clarification: Tim Urban is not more talented than either Aaron Kelly or Andrew Garcia. I don't believe he actually started singing until three weeks ago, when Simon Fuller called Central Casting and asked for a "brawny McFly type." But his generic riff on "Hallelujah," may qualify him for the Top 12. It's ludicrous, but he's just too attractive for bingo or nasty Christina Aguilera covers. Watch as voters grant him several million keys to the castle.
5. Alex Lambert "Trouble"
The judges still love Mumbles the Mullet, but I'm on the fence. When I watch a bankable performer, I should never wonder if he got to throw up beforehand. His performance of "Trouble" was filled with the least assured trills and most self-achieved "echo" effects. Then there's the issue that he has as much screen presence as a sea monkey. Still, this year, that makes him a standout among the guys.
4. Lee Dewyze "Fireflies"
We've hit the top half of the remaining contestants, and miraculously, I don't care about anyone yet. Case in point, Lee Dewyze (which should be pronounced "doozy," if you ask me) has "a nice tone" but is so effing pitchy that it doesn't matter! He's like if Daughtry started singing this morning.
3. Todrick Hall "Somebody to Love"
Ringmaster Todrick Hall may have brought the baton, tails, and glittery arrogance, but he really needs some Cirque du Soleil stilts to have any standing against the girls this year. He oversang "Somebody to Love," comme d'habitude, but that glee clubber gusto has cachet in 2010. Congrats, America. You did it to yourself.
2. Casey James "You'll Think of Me"
Correct, this was forgettable. But the whole night was forgettable, and Casey James's sweet stylings were the most likably forgettable of them all. Plus, he wasn't nervous or tone-deaf, and that alone makes you a Top 12 contender. Go on, patterned-shirt man!
Sing for the forgettable moment!
1. Michael Lynche "This Woman's Work"
This also wasn't great. But it was definitely stompy! Kara DioGuardi understandably confused that with a triumph of the human spirit. (Man, that was embarrassing.) The Kate Bush classic felt cute in the arms of "Big Mike," like a televised newborn whose mother has a dilating cervix that we hear about. But the weird high notes at the beginning and end? The songlessness? Mike gave us the one memorable rendition of the evening, but it wasn't even as good as Lilly Scott's low-key retooling of "I Fall to Pieces," which was middle-of-the-pack material last night. Mike will stick around, but he's got to start being more than a nice guy who treats Aaron Kelly like free weights.