Project Runway returned from the ether this week with a challenge that baited the toolshed demographic -- and not just because Jesse was prominently featured! (Guh-her.) The ten remaining designers used hardware supplies to construct their look, but more impressively, Tim Gunn did not take a circular saw to his own dainty wrists. This man is bored. I make it all entertaining after the jump.
As the episode starts, Emilio gets 10 confessionals in under three minutes, and that sets off my "Heidi's Going to Hate You" meter -- and yours too! He says the competition is half over but does not acknowledge his train conductor hat. No one trusts that. The talented Jay Nicholas comments that he must knock off seven more designers before he reaches the top three, and I bet he'll achieve that. It all depends at what time Seth Aaron hits rigor mortis.
On the runway, Heidi is both cryptic and transparent.
"Go find Tim!" she caws. "He's going to take you to meet... one of America's favorite dee-zign-uhzs."
The contestants give each other the "It's Michael stupid Kors, I know it" grimace, and before long, Tim's leading them down the streets of New York. Seconds later, they enter Michael Kors' shop.
"Hello, arguably-designers," Michael says. "Did Tim drive you here? His learner's permit is expired. It's just not safe! Anyway, today, instead of shopping at Mood, you'll be buying supplies at... a hardware store. Ooh la la. Shut up. The question is: How many nellies here know what a hardware store is? A show of hands? Yep. That looks about right. In addition, you must make a special accessory, because our guest judge this week only understands accessories. Keep that blowhard in mind."
Michael gives Tim directions to the ACE across the street. The designers pour in and start snatching up sandpaper, copper sheets, wiring, washers, and metallic supplies. Maya, who did not show at fashion week, comes up with a brilliant idea for a necklace: a key-bedazzled thing with mesh underlay and silvery embellishment. It's a little Desperately Seeking Susan, but she's not outfitting anyone in a pyramid-emblazoned coat just yet. We're on the right side of 1985, and it feels like home.
After the designers return to the workroom and Jonathan unveils his copper supplies with a slammin' periodic table reference, Tim arrives to investigate the goings-on. He knows everyone on his side (and our side) of the TV is getting catatonic without him.
"It looks like arms and armor wing of the Met in here!" he says, for real. "For those who didn't understand that, the Met is like a really big Blockbuster. Mila! Lovely to see you! This accessory with text on it is exciting. I just wish... you were exciting. Or not a pox on the world's last chance at joy. You know? Jesse! Talk to me. An Elizabethan mini? It's looking like a school project. For a school play. An elementary school play. An elementary school play about barnyard animals. About slop. Nice try hand-seaming it. Emilio! What are you doing? Is this a macrame flapper? What is this? Have you even enough hardware? Yeah, ha ha. I bet that is what he said, actually. If your look keeps progressing at this rate, you may end up with a bikini. I guess your innovation can be a bottomless dress."
When Tim gets to Anthony, he says, "This looks tortured." But it sounds like he says, "This looks like Richard." I was hoping he'd bawl and lament Richard for awhile, but no dice. OK. Back to Tim.
"Jay! You bought garbage bags? I have to tell you, the pants look spectacular. We've had plenty of garbage bags on this show before. I mean, did you meet Ping? A garbage bag of a person. Girl had problems. Maya! The camera is on you right now. You must be full of new feelings. And the necklace you've made is stunning! You should make a dress too. In fact, I think Project Runway is about that. Keep going."
Ready for the rumble? Onto the runway, where we lay eyes on one of the finest garments of the season -- and two guest-judges I couldn't be bothered to remember.
In no particular order, here are the night's best and worst hammered-and-nailed (sincerely!) looks.
Maya, who has been given camera time this episode, turns in a generic silver mini-dress with an extraordinary mesh jacket. Her "accessory," a necklace constructed with keys and other metallic detritus, is fantastic. It's too bad her role on the show is still Muter Mila.
Anthony constructed a lilac-colored gown with a sharp metallic belt. He wasn't reinventing the wheel, but the look was entirely believable. I can't say the same for Ben, whose tattered copper look escaped the judges' glare.
Jay fashions an unbelievable look, particularly since it's almost entirely garbage bags and straps. The airtight black pants paired with a teal, candy-striped top look so resplendent that Heidi performs a pregnant front-handspring onto the runway. Just perfect. And I'd give the handspring a 9.5.
Mila used her black-and-white emotions as inspiration again, putting together a stunning mini dress using small monochromatic paint trays. The innovation is startling, and the geometric lines all point directly to a second-place finish. I'd sharpen my bangs in frustration too.
Jesse bought copper sheeting and spray-paint, which I thought was actually genius. Unfortunately, instead of buying spray-paint in a color that would set his garment apart, Jesse bought a generic silver. His gown was puffy, wonkily fitted, and -- as Michael Kors addressed it -- "a Hershey's Kiss."
Emilio bought washers and pink string, because he thought he'd make a ghetto dreamcatcher today. After much scrapping and recalibration, Emilio's garment became a bikini -- a washers-and-strings bikini. Heidi called it a mess, and that weird guest-judge kind of liked it. See you never again, new girl! The look was a trash heap, and everyone with a working retina and conscience knew it.
The clear winner is affirmed: Jay owns it! The bottom two designers are just as predictable, meaning Jesse and Emilio are forced to quiver and pout while an intern bangs a gong. And your loser is... get this, Jesse. Oh, the outrage! The inhumanity! The... he-was-not-going-to-win-the-competition-but-whatever! Charles the Combover gave it his all, but ultimately tools did him in. It's like a clever short story in that way. Coming up: I interview Jesse about his surprise elimination, his brush-up with Ping, and his Bryant Park collection. Stay tuned!