You can't watch a two-hour Southern epic like The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love without analyzing it like a gumshoe stewing around Tara's charred remains. Here's what I noticed: After 120 minutes of family interactions, Skittle-colored flora, and five-minute helicopter trips, Texan bachelor Jake Pavelka chose between nice girl Tenley and "confrontational" Vienna. Three questions remain: 1) Did he make the sane choice? 2) Do we see a future for the new couple/PR duo? 3) What do we make of Jake's sudden gig on Dancing with the Stars? Julie Miller and I hash it out after the jump. Spoilers ahead!
1. Did Jake make the right choice with Vienna?
Julie: Well, he made A decision.
Louis: That's important. I think he definitely did the right thing. The only person crying over Tenley's loss is Jake's dad, and that's because he has an undiagnosed crying disorder and weeps at all living things.
Julie: I didn't think he felt a connection with either girl -- the scene of him on the boat with Tenley, where he is obviously thinking, "This girl is not for me," was heartbreaking.
Louis: It was over for Tenley then. Jake was saying, "Isn't it crazy how two people like us can have a connection? Let's never have sex." I knew in the first five minutes of the show that he was going to pick Vienna.
Julie: I didn't think he was going to pick either of the girls. How did you know?
Louis: It looked like he actually had a reaction to Vienna. The entire time with Tenley, I felt like I was watching him think, "This is the boilerplate Bachelor contestant." Also, I don't know if you picked up on this, but Jake is boring. He needs someone with ate-the-bad-berries eyes to rouse him.
Julie: I would argue that he is the most boring bachelor in the history of the franchise and has nothing going for him aside from the Texas accent and his pilot's license. His good looks are immediately outweighed by his all-around-dullness. Which is why I thought that he and Tenley belonged together. I could find a box of hair with more personality than either Jake or Tenley.
Louis: Rozlyn Papa was arguably a box of hair. I concur.
2) Jake and Vienna: Marital Takeoff!
Louis: They will find the sex intriguing and full of neat challenges at first! Then who cares, these two are ciphers. It may work for awhile, but I could see them being plenty more interested in other people.
Julie: I think his Dancing with the Stars move is going to ruin their relationship unless she finds her own project right away. But she is supposed to move immediately, right? Isn't that what she said during the After the Final Rose ceremony?
Louis: Yes, yes. Joining DWTS seems a bit telling.
Julie: OK, this might be getting off-topic, but my favorite moment in every finale is when the Bachelor picks out the ring that he is not paying for before he knows who he is proposing to.
Louis: That is always touching. Especially since there are, what, four rings? A real debacle.
Julie: And the jeweler tries to talk him through it and provide counsel.
Louis: Why was that jeweler like a shady tea-kettle merchant at a bazaar? "AHA! Tell me about this girl of yours." Jafar? At any rate, Jake and Vienna are over before they began.
Julie: Yes. This is a mutually unfulfilling relationship for two wannabe celebrities.
Is Dancing with the Stars a good move for Jake?
Julie: I think definitely not. He does not have the star power of Kate Gosselin, Pamela Anderson, Shannen Doherty -- he has no shot.
Louis: Buzz Aldrin's flirty malt shop routine is going to f*cking school his.
Julie: HA.
Louis: It also seems early for Jake to resign himself to DWTS. Like, he couldn't wait four months for another season?
Julie: Right, I don't think any of the other contestants were invited onto the show this soon -- usually, there is a three-month period where they are on at least one tabloid/Us Weekly cover per week. And grant unlimited Extra/Insider interviews to discuss the future of their relationship.
Louis: Sorry, OK! Magazine. Jake Pavelka is in a very committed relationship with being the next Mya.
Julie: I don't understand how America still cares about the bachelor or what happens to them after the show ends.
Louis: Neither do I. I think they'll spend less time caring about this guy. However: I would enjoy updates about his bawling father. Let's see him face Bruno Tonioli's stupid screaming.