Even though the Oscars are taking steps to be younger and hipper this year, there's only so far they can go in making things contemporary. To that end, producers have decided on many show elements that would have been popular not this year, but in 2006; how else to explain the puzzling selection of former Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden as "house deejay" at the show (!!!) or the Oscar.com contest to select a dress for the on-stage award escorts that's reminiscent of Project Runway?
Still, since all the acting categories at the Oscars are locked up and voting in the escort designer challenge ends today, we thought we'd try our hand at a little outfit prognostication. Meet the contenders!
Designer: Oday Shakar
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Vera Farmiga
Summary: Should any winner be too disoriented after hearing his name called, an Oscar producer can merely shine a spotlight on this reflective silver sheath, creating a burst of hot white light to guide the winner to the stage like a lighthouse beacon.
Likelihood of Winning: 7
Designer: Phong Hong
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Sandra Bullock
Summary: Neutral, yet evocative of both the Oscar itself and a Ruffles potato chip
Likelihood of Winning: 6
Designer: Rania Salibi
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Anna Kendrick
Summary: Daring, flattering and it has a point of view, so there's absolutely no chance that the Academy would let this on stage to distract from the movie stars' own ensembles.
Likelihood of Winning: 0 (out of 10)
Designer: Ivy Higa
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Carey Mulligan
Summary: Demure and quiet, like an Oscar escort should be (unless Woody Harrelson casually inquires whether you're "holding." At that point, please hit up Oscar DJ Joel Madden).
Likelihood of Winning: 8
Designer: Kelsey Zimba
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Miley Cyrus
Summary: This deeply unflattering dress would make the celebrities look much better by comparison. Maggie Gyllenhaal is voting for this so many times!
Likelihood of Winning: 3
Designer: Fernanda Carneiro
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Tina Fey
Summary: Black is a risky choice to wear to the Oscars, unless you're Erin Brockovich-era Julia Roberts or a brother-lovin' Angelina Jolie (still, both won). An escort could reasonably assume that this flattering dress could peacefully coexist with the stars' more colorful frocks.
Likelihood of Winning: 9
Designer: Oliver Tolentino
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Helen Mirren
Summary: The personality of this dress is below the waist only, though there is an exciting likelihood that the train could trip up some of the less coordinated escorts.
Likelihood of Winning: 5
Designer: Elda de la Rosa
Actress Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Kristen Stewart
Summary: It's a little bit out there for an Oscar escort dress, but if de la Rosa could just make the fabric look a little more like distressed denim, Miley Cyrus would take two, please.
Likelihood of Winning: 4
Designer: Ari Sheuhmelian
Actor Who Might Accidentally Wear This to the Oscars: Morgan Freeman, obviously
Summary: It's too bad that Drew Barrymore didn't somehow get invited to the Oscars this year, because this dress would go great with the Pokemon hair she was rocking back at the Toronto Film Festival.
Likelihood of Winning: 6