As is their wont -- their oft-maddening, fan-torturing wont -- Lost temple masters Carlton "The Statue" Cuse and Damon "The Swan" Lindelof have once again spent an hour of their precious final season primetime allotment chumming the waters of our imaginations with new mysteries, exactly when we ache to have giant chunks of answers tossed directly into our primitive, gaping maws. Please join us for our attempt to answer the many, many new questions raised in last night's episode, "Lighthouse." [Here there be SPOILERS. Beware! And watch the show live! Or at least very shortly after recording it! We're shouting because this show makes us so very emotional!]
When did Jack have his appendix taken out? That's a pretty nasty scar.
Oh, when he was 7, maybe 8? That scar is just a reminder that in the flash-sideways world of 2004, Things Are Different. (Plus, it will eventually be revealed that Richard Alpert, now a pediatric surgeon in this timeline, performed the appendectomy. And refused to scrub off his eyeliner before operating, much to the chagrin of his nurses.)
And Jack has a kid now, too?
Please keep up. Things Have Changed. People live different lives, they marry different people, they have piano prodigy children we're meeting for the first time.
What's young David Shephard listening to on that iPod?
You haven't heard of them. [Rolls eyes, sighs with exasperation]
Even if you only saw your child once a month under the terms of your custody arrangement, wouldn't you know about his concert-level piano ability, and his dream of being accepted to the conservatory?
Jack's always been a little bit self-involved, not matter what timeline you put him in. Plus he's got all that daddy-issue baggage, so things were bound to be complicated with his own kid. But David should know this: When Jack was his age his father didn't want to see him fail either, and he told him he didn't have what it takes, so he spent his whole life carrying that around with him. He doesn't ever want David to feel that way. In Jack's eyes, he can never fail. He will always love him and be a part of his life. Are we crying right now? Yes, we are crying a little bit. We'll be right back after we go to CVS to buy a birthday card and write down these exact words to our future son. We're gonna break this cycle before it ever begins.
Who's the better pianist, Jack's kid or Dogen's kid?
How can you possibly bet against Dogen's kid? Imagine how good you'd be if your father offered you the choice of finishing your three-hour practice early, or taking a mysterious pill that might contain poison. You'd be playing Carnegie Hall by sixteen. [Ed.note-- Is Carnegie Hall still a thing?]
Why is David wearing a Dodgers hat in the black-and-white photostrip? They're clearly a family of Red Sox fans. We don't care if they live in LA.
That bothered us too. Maybe they think it's OK to adopt a local team because it's the National League? Even though it's totally not. OK, fine: If you go to a Dodgers game, maybe it's acceptable to root for the Dodgers against the Rockies or whomever. You really don't have any skin in that fight, so why not cheer on the home team? But let's not go too nuts with the team paraphernalia. Wear your damn Sox hat to the game, make your dad happy. He's trying.
At the Temple, why does Miles ask Hurley if he's hungry?
When Hurley shrugs, "Eh, I could eat," it's a little wink to a rabid online fan-base who've erected entire discussion boards just to the topic of "Why doesn't Hurley ever lose weight on that island?" Cuse and Lindelof are always doing cute little things like that with good ol' Hugo.
Sayid's accent's definitely changing, right?
He's "claimed." And one of the primary symptoms of "claimed" is altering your accent just enough to make every go insane wondering about the significance of why he might sound a tiny bit different.
Isn't he a "candidate"?
HE'S CLAIMED! He was a "candidate" once, probably, but that was before he got shot in the gut and dunked in the filthy jacuzzi at the Temple Spa, where he died from the combination of blood loss and hypochlorination poisoning. Ugh, can we bump Sayid forward a couple of weeks? We don't have the strength to go through this again today.
Can you name two once-great, now-ruined George Lucas franchises that Hurley might want to reference in this episode?
Indiana Jones and Star Wars. Thank Jacob H. Christ that Hurley's never seen Crystal Skull in that timeline. He'd be devastated.
Where should Hurley write down the very important things that Jacob is about to tell him, if he can't find a piece of paper or a notepad laying around?
The underside of his forearm will do. He's a big dude, there's plenty of room on that fleshy canvas for all the cryptic instructions he'll need to keep the plot moving forward.
Good to see Claire again, right? So, um, what's in the creepy bassinet over there?
Oh, that? Nothing, really. It's just a disturbing baby-doll made from some old clothes and decaying animal bones she had laying around. Haha! You know, just to keep the blankets warm until she gets Aaron back.
And what's up with the dynamite?
[Glares]
And the axe?
[Buries axe in the gut of the guy who was OBVIOUSLY LYING TO HER about WHERE IS AARON NEED AARON BACK YOU LYING LIAR KATE DOES NOT HAVE HIM THE OTHERS HAVE HIM I AM CRAZIER THAN A BATSHIT FRENCH LADY DO NOT MESS WITH ROUCLAIRE]
Have you also obsessively been searching the commercials for clues?
OMG WE HAVE! Check it out: Yaz is not only a birth-control pill with a really off-putting name, but it's the nickname of Boston Red Sox great Carl Yastrzemski, which is important because as we know, Jack Shephard is a huge Sox fan and Dogen has the 2004 World Series final-out baseball. We're still working through what this means, but it's a clue of some kind, obviously related to the fertility problems that beset the island women.
Something's also up with that Old Spice guy on the horse, with the two tickets to that thing you love. Suspicious.
Where was Sawyer?
Our best guess: Just chilling at the Otherville Mall, maybe shopping at American Girl Place for a better doll for Claire, then enjoying a delicious Orange Linus at the food court. It's his downtime, he can do with it as he pleases.
Why haven't we seen that lighthouse before?
Because they didn't want us to see it. Don't give us that look. You know what look we're talking about, just cut it out. The island's a really big place, the castaways couldn't possibly have scoured every inch of coastline in five seasons of wandering around, so they easily could've missed it. Especially if it's a magical lighthouse, which it totally is.
What did you think was inside it?
We expected that after Jack kicked in the jammed door and they climbed a winding staircase, he and Hurley would find Cuse and Lindelof sitting calmly at a desk, ready to yank a white sheet from off a whiteboard upon which was scribbled the explanation for every island mystery in almost insultingly obvious terms. And then it would turn out that Hurley isn't actually Jack's pal, he's just another executive producer tasked with helping the troubled doctor act out his psychological issues in the most ambitious role-play ever attempted in the history of island-based brain-doctoring.
So the wheel and the names and the numbers were a letdown?
The cave with the scale and the rocks and the names and the numbers were still pretty fresh in the mind, so color us a bit unimpressed with the latest "hey check out this new place with names and numbers everywhere!" location.
But: 108? There's a bunch of 108 in there!
Oh hell yes! 108! 108 is back! We love 108!
Why did Jacob allow Jack to smash the enchanted mirror inside his magical lighthouse?
How else will Jack see how important he is? There are some people you can hop in a cab with and just say, "Hey, dude, this is what's up, you feel me?" But there are some people you need to lead up into a lighthouse to show some mind-blowing sh*t they're not quite equipped to handle, which they will then attempt to destroy in the futile hope that destruction will give them some measure of control over an increasingly nonsensical world. And then you give them some me-time on the beach, hoping the gentle pounding of the surf supplants the screams of DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES echoing in their heads, and they can finally start to put aside their self-esteem issues and realize how special they are. That's why, dude.
This episode was pretty old school, wasn't it?
Just Jack and Hurley trekking through the jungle on their way to do something they don't really understand. Good times.
SmokeLocke and Claire are doing it, aren't they?
They are definitely doing it! If Claire's not careful, he's gonna put a smokey skullbaby all up inside her. She's in a very emotionally fragile state, so she should probably avoid getting involved with shape-shifting bad-boys who run around in the bodies of the few available father figures on the island just to creep on her. Claire deserves better than that, even if she's sort of an axe murderer now.