A little while ago, my esteemed Movieline colleague Louis Virtel made the case that MTV's The Jersey Shore should take the opportunity provided by a reported contractual standstill to jettison the cast and replace them with a new lineup, arguing that a fresh Guido infusion is necessary to save the show's second season from repetition, disappointment and mediocrity. And to him I say: Whoa, pump the brakes, bro! (Then I pause, lift my shirt, and with a flourish of my hand across my stomach, warn, "We've got a situation right here," before realizing that the presentation of a pasty, distended belly doesn't do much for the thrust of my argument. Anyway.) Before we rashly abandon the pop-culture megastars MTV has worked so hard to cultivate, let's offer up some ways that we can make Season Two work with the original cast intact. After the jump, some attempts to Save The Shore:
The Fish-Out-Of-Water Solution: The Shore On The Vineyard
The point that a second season of The Shore actually back at The Shore, populated by the same crew of lovable, Corinthian-leather-hued lugs, is well taken; been there, done that, got the "I Went To The Jersey Shore And All I Got Was This Raging Case of Pinkeye And This Crazy-Ass Thing On My Junk That Maybe My Doctor Should Look At?" t-shirt. So in classic fish-out-of-water fashion, we could pluck The Situation, Snooki and the gang out of their boardwalk-dwelling comfort zone and them plop them down on Martha's Vineyard, counting on the inevitable culture-clash between the Gym/Tan/Laundry set and the Brunch/Golf/Sail blue-bloods to produce the electric drama previously generated only by drunk Jersey locals pilfering the wrong Guido's tequila shots. Watch Ronnie cold-cock a summering, third-generation Harvard alumn for slipping Sammi his digits! Gasp as Snooki, having once again "forgotten" to wear panties, flashes her freshly depilated schnickers while doing a cartwheel in a too-short, neon tennis skirt! Pull for the gang as they prepare the yacht they've been tasked with crewing for the summer, The Lazy Angelina, for a big race against of their snooty, sweater-vested tormentors! Buzz-building adventure and clip-friendly conflict await on The Vineyard.
The Fish-In-Similar-Water Solution: The Jersey Shore Vs. Southie
A knee-jerk thought upon getting an initial taste of The Shore was that MTV should immediately franchise out to Southie, doing the same lightly exploitative service for any proud, self-identifying Massholes they can find that they'd just done for Guido Nation. So it makes perfect sense to swaddle our original cast in Yankee paraphernalia, ship them up to Boston, and let them loose on Red Sox turf. With liquor-fueled fist-fights rising by an estimated 300 percent, MTV will have all the watercooler moments it can handle. (And, in all likelihood, nightly riots.)
The Take-It-On-The-Road Solution: The Shore On Tour
Through its Road Rules series, MTV has vast expertise in moving busloads of drunken attention-whores from town to town, so it would be a small matter to fire up one of their decommissioned RR vehicles (with a fresh, Ed Hardy-branded paint job, preferably of a crystal-encrusted dragon vomiting up Cointreau-tinted fire), stock it full of booze, and take The Shore straight to America. In between cities, the close quarters and lack of privacy should spark fresh conflict between our road-weary Guidos, with The Situation constantly tweaking Vinny about how loud he groans while getting his smoosh on in a cramped sleeping compartment.
The Return To Their Roots Solution: The Shore Goes To Italy
In a different kind of culture-shock scenario, MTV flies our heroes out to Italy and ensconces them in a picturesque villa just outside a small Tuscan town, where they have to help run a tiny, rustic restaurant for the summer season. Finding no gorilla juiceheads in the countryside, Snooks and JWOWW fall for a pair of farming brothers, while Pauly D and Sitch plow their way through the village's awe-struck daughters, culminating in their abrupt expulsion from the province. Ronnie and Sammi break up five times, with each spat more petty than the last, but ultimately rekindle their mercurial love on a day-trip to a breathtaking vineyard. And Vinny's mom, worried sick he's not eating enough, air-mails him a frozen care-package of her chicken parm.