Jesus wept softly and pitchily today when He learned that Simon Cowell would walk away from the Fox singing competition that made him staggeringly rich and famous, to pursue his lifelong dream of overseeing another Fox singing competition that will continue to make him staggeringly rich and famous. And what will we miss most of all? Why, his cruelty, of course! Like the Savior's message, it too comes from a place that is honest and pure. Come now as we remember five of Cowell's most stinging critiques. And remember -- it hurts him way more than it hurts the young lady he just compared to a talentless hippopotamus on national television.
1. Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs
In arguably Simon's lowest moment, and the rare one to earn a public apology (albeit a half-assed one), Simon likened a sweet-natured contestant to a bush baby. Ironically, it would have been less cruel to just kick an actual bush baby on national TV.
The exchange:
Cowell: You look a little odd, your dancing is terrible, the singing was horrendous, and you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with the massive eyes. What do they call those? Bush babies.
Kenneth: Simon, you're going to say what you're going to say, but you know what? That's you're opinion. You're entitled to it.
Cowell: But it's a pretty good opinion.
2. Garrett Haley, Season 7
A 17-year-old Leif Garrett-type's performance earned this assessment:
"It was boring. Your voice sounded a bit whiny. You looked terrified. And it looked as if you'd been shut up in your bedroom for about a month. You look verging on haunted. Pale, you know? You know what I mean? You need some fresh air, to make yourself look young. The problem is that once again you're not making yourself relevant."
3. Heather Piccinini, Season 3
Contestant Piccinini gave her rendition of "Saving All My Love For You" her all, which unfortunately meant contorting her face into what Cowell deemed to be several "ugly" faces. He let her know.
"I'll tell you your problem. Your problem is, Heather, you try too hard. It was verging on a desperate performance. It's the sort of thing you see a lot when you go to a stage school. Your facial expressions are ugly...You are a beautiful girl but you're ugly when you perform."
4. Bobby Bennett Sings 'Copa'
Bennett's performance of "Copacabana" is a classic low-moment for the show, and really deserved whatever it got. Still, Simon is a poet when it comes to putting the irreparable effects of aural- and eye-rape into words. Take it away...
"If you hear a scream from a hotel room in Las Vegas, that's where Barry Manilow's watching this show...I'm sort of with Randy [in agreeing the performance was entertaining], but horror films entertain me. You know, it's a different kind of entertainment.'"
5. EyerollGate
A furor accompanied the Eyeroll Heard 'Round the World, after a snippy back and forth with sixth season contestant Chris Richardson over the intentionally or unintentionally "nasally" quality of his performance segued abruptly into Richardson's shout-out to Virginia Tech survivors. Camera cuts to Cowell rolling his eyes. The next day, producers cleared Cowell's name by running split-screen his video alongside Richardson. The damage had already been done.
Here's how it played out the night of the airing:
Simon: What I heard was a very nasally, tinny, non-descript vocal which had no impact on me at all. I thought it was completely and utterly insignficant...the whole thing.
Chris: Nasally is a form of singing. I don't know if you knew that.
Simon: Oh, so it's intentional. So that was intended to sing nasally.
Chris: I do have a lot of friends at Virginia Tech so my hearts and prayers are over there. Be strong.
[Simon rolls his eyes.]