Of the many crimes foisted upon humanity by the faceless filmmaking syndicate known as Hollywood, perhaps none are as loathsome as the subpar remake. A practice that hearkens back to the dawn of cinema (little known fact: the Lumière Bros.' 1898 Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat was actually a remake of the far superior train-arriving-at-a-station movie Tout Abord le Choo Choo! from twenty years prior), it seems that the 21st Century has brought something of a Golden Era for truly craptastic, reconfigured cinematic entertainments. After the jump, we run through 11 of the best worst Hollywood remakes, and invite you to add your own in the comments.
Runners-Up:
10. Down to Earth (2001)
Remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941) and Heaven Can Wait (1978)
Still feeling warm and gooey after the success of American Pie, brothers Chris and Paul Weitz took a promising premise -- Chris Rock dies, gets reincarnated as a white, billionaire coot -- and ruined it by turning it into a toothless fable about the importance of inner beauty. His feature film starring debut, this could have been Rock's Trading Places. Instead, it was Imagine That for grownups.
9. Around the World in 80 Days (2004)
Remake of Around the World in Eighty Days (1956)
Bankrolled by Philip Anschutz, the Denver-based billionaire founder of Qwest, this Jackie Chan version departed completely from the Jules Verne source material to instead provide him with a high-altitude platform for his trademark pratfalls and increasingly childish persona. No one was charmed: It grossed a total of $24 million, making the $110 million movie one of the biggest flops of the decade.
8. Anything to Come Out of Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes
A specialty label founded by Michael Bay, whose specialty appears to be turning beloved, low-budget horror classics into artless, music-video-uninspired remakes starring a cast of interchangeable dropouts from The WB. Between 2003 and 2009, the company was responsible for no less seven completely unnecessary releases, beginning with 2003's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 2005's The Amityville Horror, 2007's The Hitcher, and this year's The Unborn and Friday the 13th. Next up: A Nightmare on Elm Street, currently rumored to be in reshoots, presumably to render it even more unnecessary.
7. The Invasion (2007)
Remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
This decade has seen Nicole Kidman ascend to the title of Queen of the Inadvisably Recycled Hollywood Materials. And nowhere did she wield her power more formidably than on this abysmal version of Body Snatchers. It's a hodgepodge that resulted from Joel Silver's decision to shelf German filmmaker Oliver Hirschbiegel's vision for a year, then bring in the Wachowskis and James McTeigue to juice up the action. The result? Some interesting notions becomes infected by a studio's alien needs to tell a conventional story, resulting in audiences cocooning themselves into states of hypnagogic sleep.
6. Vanilla Sky (2001)
Remake of Open Your Eyes (Abre Los Ojos) (1997)
Cameron Crowe's surprisingly faithful adaptation of Alejandro Amenabar may have birthed the tabloid couple known as "Cruiz," but as far as producing a compelling and/or coherent movie goes, it was more of a facially deformed abortion.
5. The Pink Panther (2006)
Remake of The Pink Panther (1963)
Sullying two comic legacies -- Peter Sellers' and Steve Martin's -- in one shoddy remake, Martin's Clouseau fails to even come close to the deadpan subtlety that made the original's broad, physical humor fly. A virtually laughless retread that nonetheless earned $159 million, and a sequel.
4. Alfie (2004)
Remake of Alfie (1966)
Charles Shyer had some success updating Father of the Bride, but his Alfie redo was a dismally anachronistic affair, transposing Michael Caine's swinger from '60s London to New York in the aughts, as if nothing in the ensuing forty sociopolitical years had transpired. Strictly for fans of Sienna Miller's bosoms.
3. Poseidon (2006)
Remake of The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
Proving no amount of special effects could capsize the simple pleasures of
Shelley Winters doing the breaststroke, Wolfgang Petersen's Poseidon Adventure remake lacked even a basic understanding of the cheesy-yet-satisfying character development that makes any good disaster flick stick. Predictably, it sunk at the box office.
2. The Stepford Wives (2004)
Remake of The Stepford Wives (1975)
O hai, Nicole. Another body-snatching thriller gone terribly, terribly wrong, this one saw director Frank Oz pairing Kidman with Matthew Broderick, working off a campy script by Paul Rudnick that turned the original's arch commentary on female herd mentality into an all-out zinger-fest. No one laughed, no one cared.
1. The Women (2008)
Remake of The Women (1939)
Seeming more like a misogynist propaganda newsreel than an homage to the classic, if dated, catfight royale that was the 1939 original, Diane English's hysterical, unfocused and yappy film did none of its cast, or its sex, any favors.
And the grand prize winner ...
Grand Prize Winner: Swept Away (2002)
Remake of Swept Away (1975)
It would be hard to really imagine, after having emerged from the exercise in sadism that is Guy Ritchie's Swept Away, that the director would have ever been given the greenlight to produce a big-budget studio production ever again. And yet here we are, on the eve of Sherlock Holmes' global release, and the acrid stench of Madonna's turn as a shipwrecked spoiled brat who falls for a macho deckhand somehow still lingers. Who says Hollywood is unforgiving?