Certain TV events require more than slick analysis -- they require a friend. The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty, A&E's new reality show about Michael Jackson's famous brothers and their "comeback," is just the kind of staged, cold spectacle you expect, save a few surprises. For instance, what was up with Jermaine's impromptu trip to Vienna? Or that phone call to Janet, which sounded more impersonal than her last three albums? Someone hold us! After the break, TV Line's Julie "Just Look Over Your Shoulder!" Miller and Louis "Easier Than ABC" Virtel break down the premiere, with their emotions and emoticons intact.
Julie: Did you also find the Jackson special profoundly disappointing?
Louis: It was (pardon me here) a funeral. There's just more to the Jacksons than those four guys. For instance: Where was Rebbie? I was praying for just eight bars of "Centipede" the whole time.
Julie: Right -- it was so scrubbed. I'm sure watching Marlon looking for his car keys would have been more interesting than 50% of that premiere. Also, do you think they are on mood stabilizers? They are all so sedate. That show desperately needs a short-fuse Jackson.
Louis: Where in God's name was the Joe Jackson showman fury? Even the choreography in their little jive was mellow.
Julie: Although I was impressed with their skill in that "first dance rehearsal in years," and I suspect that they had been rehearsing for that dance rehearsal.
Louis: Ha! You know the most disturbing part of this show? That all the peripheral Jacksons were normal. Jermajesty may have been a human being.
Julie: I know! And whose daughter was helping pick out the Jackson 5 crest, for their comeback album?
Louis: I think she was also jermajestic? She was so businesslike and adjusted!
Julie: I wish I could say the same for Jermaine's wife. I think she's the victim of long term emotional abuse. Did you hear the way he talked to her? "Window seat! Make sure I get a window seat!" Maybe I'm just supersensitive to the warning signs of emotional abuse? But I felt fear in that scene.
Louis: Actually, I kept thinking about how weird they were. She acted like a total cipher, besides suggesting that they go to the mosque to pray -- which, in itself, was a way to make him calm down.
Julie: Is Jermaine's house the only house that cameras are allowed into?
Louis: Oh, probably. And Jermaine's usually such a shrinking violet. (Shoots self.)
Julie: And how does a whole family NOT know that Jermaine is planning a tribute concert in Vienna with Mary J. Blige? That was so anticlimactic. Two minutes later, Jermaine was explaining that the concert was postponed
Louis: Right! But in the spirit of A&E, the entire Jackson family was hoarding crocodile tears.
Julie: I was impressed that A&E was able to use Michael Jackson performance footage. I guess the family owns that, though?
Louis: I mean, Michael was likely a part of the show's proceedings before he died, so maybe he was down with it. But what did we make of the Jacksons' recording session with MEGA producers Jimmy Jim and Terry Lewis?
Julie: I might have zoned out during that segment -- I just remember the brothers putting Janet on speaker phone to wish her a happy birthday. And she was excitedly telling them about the new dog she just got, and all of the brothers obviously didn't give a sh*t. They were just making the call for the cameras. Also, did they not get her a present? Just a group conference call? I feel like that is how the Jackson brothers would roll.
Louis: That can't be! They're all "so close."
Julie: So what happened in the recording session?
Louis: Well, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis basically consulted with the Jacksons about the sound of their new material. Jermaine piped in with, "My point of view is turn the world upside-down." Then Jimmy and Terry got right to work.
Julie: Haha. They gave the same input to the choreographer when she asked what they wanted their routine to look like. They said, "We want to incorporate the new with the old." And she said, "I love that." It was a breakthrough moment. And then they started dancing.
Louis: And did that really incorporate the old? They just did things in unison. Last question: Who's the Jackson to watch?
Julie: My vote goes to Tito. Underneath that calm facade and that bowling hat is a lifetime of pain and repression. Hopefully the A&E cameras and Jermaine's irrepressible quest for fame will trigger it. Who do you think?
Louis: I can't even pick a favorite from these four jokers. That said, I am Team Randy. He's not on the show, but one, he is a kickass drummer, and two, Michael used to say that he would get the most (corporal) punishment from Generalissimo Joe for not sticking the dance moves. I'd like to hear from him. Perhaps A&E will head the spin-off route with him. Dancing Machine: The Dehumanization of Randy.
Julie: Do you think we'll see Joe?
Louis: My instinct would be a quick appearance. A cameo. A quick snipe to Randy and he's back to his citadel.
Julie: THAT would be the show to watch, with Joe organizing their comeback.
Louis: Yes!
Julie: Joe snapping at them during rehearsals, demanding 16-hour recording sessions that would bring the brothers to tears and emotional discovery.
Louis: And then maybe Joe could try the choreography, and HE has an emotional discovery from his days tapping for dollars in the Big Top. I'll organize our pitch.
Julie: The brothers agree to let Joe lead their reunion tour, but only if he agrees to family therapy.
Louis: Drew Pinsky is on the dial. He says he can make time.
Julie: THAT is the show.
Louis: This is it!
Julie: This is it.
Louis: RIP.
Julie: RIP.