Three weeks of excitement and 11 weeks of Chekhovian bleakness have led us to this moment. Project Runway's dubious sixth season concluded last night, and because you should see Heidi squeal the big winner's name like a festive cockapoo for yourself, I won't reveal the champion until after the jump. In the meantime, I reveal another secret: Guest-judge Suzy Menkes of the International Herald Tribune has a jacked-up haircut, and she stole it like candy from a baby. No, seriously, I mean Rugrats.
Who's our winner? Yes, that's right, Republic of Georgia's whining working class, it's Irina! (Told you.) But before we inspect her win, let's retrace the only part of this finale that mattered -- Carol Hannah's puke noises the collections and the final judging.
Because this season was filmed during that pocket of time when we didn't know if the show would air again, none of the designers at Bryant Park actually introduced their collections to the audience, since that would've given away to the press how well they did on the show. That doesn't mean Lifetime refrained from digitizing the designers onto the runway using special effects bought off the back of a truck. Because they did. They really did. In real life, Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah never walked out, and the audience barely clapped once. It was a silent scream in there.
But the judging in the studio from Heidi, Michael, Nina, and cooing guest-judge (and thief of Phil and Lil DeVille's signature coif) Suzy Menkes was quite real! First we have Irina, who turned in a knit-heavy, all-black collection of sportswear punctuated with elaborate T-shirt designs. She also plagiarized the text on those shirts like a SparkNotes-pillaging demon from hell, but that's a discussion for another day. Let us inspect.
Heidi: Irina. I see you made clothes.
Irina: Yes! Yes. I am really attracted to the idea of a woman wearing her armor into the world. In New York, I think it's very difficult for a woman to balance her femininity and--
Michael: Save it. You did alright. I mean, we've seen that warrior women shit before and you used enough black to cover a thousand Roger Sterlings during a racist musical performance, but it looks like OK clothes from here. Good job. Whatever.
Nina: So you're going to win. I don't care. I told you before that an all-black collection doesn't film well for editorial. Did you listen? That's a dumb question. You are not capable of listening. You were too busy pelting Gordana with Skittles and laughing all season as she walked by you in the workroom. I suppose I admire how you peeled back those heavy layers and showed us those t-shirts. Otherwise I'm tired.
Heidi: Suzy, what do you have to say?
Suzy: (Chomping a scone, sipping something.) I declare! I found that you had cohesion and worked around a beginning point successfully! Many happy returns, young girl! From where I'm drinking, er, sitting, you look like kaleidoscopes and squirrels. A real winner! Mmm!
Heidi: Anyway. Irina, they looked finished. Let's turn to the leper Carol Hannah now.
Carol-Hannah fielded analysis from the judges next, following an episode where we almost saw her vomit a half-dozen times. Bunim-Murray wheedled drama out of her illness throughout the hour, but her collection is what mattered: It featured beiges, grays, and a splash of teal. Fancy that, I'm barfing. Back to the interrogation.
Irina: Carol Hannah! What was with your dumb collection?
Carol Hannah: I really wanted the volume in my pieces to reflect my design aesthetic. And, uh, also... yeah. That's really it.
Michael: Yeah, I bet that's it. At best I would call this "spirited." The thing is, though, you have to guess whose spirit. Chilling, right? My vote is J.C. Penney. Or if a Mystery Movie of the Week from 1972 were a person, him. And where was the connective thread here?
Nina: Agreed. Bye.
Heidi: I, for one, liked the Grecian dress. I would wear it in a second. And you made it last-minute? You could've been a really good Project Runway contestant, Carol Hannah. Off the record.
Suzy: I declare! (Takes three sips.) The inverted pyramid dress was simply stunning. (Sips.) Shapes! I am thrilled by shapes! Yes! (Sips.) Don't bring up complex polygons in front of me, I'll fall to the ground and scream. Or am I already on the ground? Back to you, Chet! (Eyes cross.)
Heidi: S.O.S. On to Althea.
Althea trotted out a few of her gigantic sweaters, a bucket of beige, and enough of those paper-bag waists to seal Charlie Brown's lunches for a year.
Heidi: Althea! Haha. Give us a break. I mean, your concept.
Althea: Well, with the future occurring so... fast, it's important to have clothes that reflect... it.
Heidi: I guess!
Michael: I have to say, you could really take some of these pieces and add them straight to your closet... (Makes sinister smirk.)
Nina: Go on, Kors, say it.
Michael: Irina's closet, that is! This shit is stolen. Oh, lord. You giant broads think you can do what you want. Heidi stole a Maserati from the Travoltas last week.
Heidi: (Gesturing a halo over her head). Guilty!
Nina: Althea, the dash of color in your collection was nice. Reminded us that there are colors. Otherwise, I think you tried to hit too many notes. You were trying to play a harp when you are clearly a triangle girl.
Suzy: TRIANGLES! (Somersaults backward off of chair.)
Nina: Security.
Heidi: You had one very shiny top that I liked, Althea. If you put it next to my shiny pink pantsuit, people could get hurt. That's fashion. Suzy, please stop climbing the curtains and comment.
Suzy: I DECLARE! (Standing up.) I admired the knit-wear, but I didn't see the futuristic element you described. That was unfortunate! Especially since, right now, I can see the future. (Gazes into ceiling, future.)
Heidi: OK, designers, the judges and I will have a chat, and then one of you will be the winner.
(The designers scamper off.)
Michael: Irina.
Heidi: Done.
Nina: Done. I'm already back in New York.
Suzy: Parallelogram.
Heidi: So we've reached a decision. Should I just shout it? Irina! Don't even come back out! You won! Tell the other girls to leave! Thanks!
And so it was, the sixth season of Project Runway. Did we enjoy ourselves? I almost did, when Malvin yelled that storks were hot and Gordana turned the whole show into a pollution-filled romantic-comedy about loving America and its strange, "flavored gruel." Otherwise, and I think you can say it with me, this season looked like (cue the Zoe Glassner trance remix!) a snoozefest.