Today, a sucker-punched nation mourns as the news that Oprah Winfrey, the closest thing we have to the Lord Himself taking daytime TV host form and spreading love and goodness through America's broadcast airwaves, will end her syndicated, culture-changing talk show in May of 2011, giving stunned fans a mere 19 months to come to grips with this life-altering upheaval. To help those abandoned viewers better cope with this long goodbye, Movieline now dusts off its crystal ball (purchased following Oprah's Favorite Things recommendation of 2005, during her brief, bizarre fling with gypsy mysticism) and looks at what the next year and a half will hold for the big O and her show:
Shortly after her televised announcement about the fate of the talk show, representatives of her OWN cable network reveal the long-planned channel will launch in January of 2011, four months prior to the The Oprah Winfrey Show's planned demise.
November 25, 2009: To lessen the still-stinging blow of her historic decision, Oprah reveals that she's bought ten million fifteen-pound, free-range turkeys for her fans, which they may pick up at their nearest Whole Foods location. "Have Thanksgiving on me, everybody! EVERYBODY GETS A TURKEY! YOU GET A TURKEY AND YOU GET A TURKEY AND YOU GET A TURKEY AND [points into tv camera] AND YOU GET A TURKEY!" she shouts before embarking on a brief holiday hiatus. Local downmarket grocery chains are soon besieged by people without access to a Whole Foods, who demand their Oprah bird anyway.
December 23, 2009: In her last show before the Christmas holiday break, Oprah shrugs off rumbling about her ratings decline and demonstrates her still-estimable drawing power by booking the entire Jolie-Pitt clan for a live nativity scene. "We're going to miss you so much, O!" cries Brad/Joseph, while Angelina/Mary weeps softly over a manger containing her twins. "Oh, I have it on good authority that fun things like this will be happening all the time on OWN, and you're always welcome there," reassures Oprah, winking to the camera as wild applause breaks out in the studio audience.
March 15, 2010: Continuing a rigorously scheduled awareness-building campaign, Oprah sends all audience members home with a solid-gold panini press that scorches the OWN logo onto each sandwich. "Grilled cheese tastes OWN-licious on your OWN gold panini machine, y'all! YAAAAAAY!" Oprah screams until hoarse.
July 8, 2010: Oprah dedicates an entire episode to a disturbing study allegedly demonstrating that the over-the-air broadcast of digital television causes cervical cancer, inviting onto the show a panel of medical experts who urge that anyone still receiving their HD signal via rabbit ears immediately sign up for cable TV.
September 14, 2010: Each delighted studio audience member rides home in style in a brand-new Bentley emblazoned with the OWN logo. Many lucky ladies faint dead away when Oprah explains that Harpo Productions is even picking up the tax liability for its two-hundred-strong new army of brand ambassadors. Local nightly news shows are dominated by segments about Winfrey's amazing largesse, featuring clips of hooting new Bentley OWNers rolling out of the studio's parking lot.
January 4th, 2011: To celebrate the OWNs official launch, Oprah purchases 24 hours of now dirt-cheap NBC broadcasting time to sample the channel's offerings. (NBC throws in five hours of Leno-hosted promo as part of the deal.) There's no specific mention of a new talk show, but many subtle mentions of a "big, big surprise" arriving on the channel sometime in May, all illustrated by a graphic of a suspiciously Oprah-shaped silhouette with a golden question mark inside it.
March 7, 2011: Perhaps now starting to become overwhelmed by the constant reflection about her television legacy and crucial place in her viewers' lives, Oprah sends each audience member home wearing an OWN-shaped locket containing a lock of her hair, fingernail clippings, or skin shavings she's personally pumiced off her forearms. "Remember me always!" she weeps. "I'll always be with you!"
April 18, 2011: Oprah spends an entire hour doing nothing but reading off the channel numbers where OWN can be found in each of her markets, cable service by cable service. "Not that this show is going there," she giggles.
April 21 , 2011: Oprah declares Dr. Phil "dead to her" because a contractual complication will not allow him to move his syndicated show to OWN immediately. "You know, he's not even a real doctor," she explains to her viewers. "It was news to me! He's very, very dangerous. Don't take his advice, or you'll wind up in the nuthouse! Or dead by your own hand!"
May 2-6, 2011: Oprah embarks on a week-long tour of goodbye parades in her five largest markets, riding 100-foot OWN-inspired floats through the barricaded streets of her Favorite Cities. The parades culminate in a tear-soaked farewell to Chicago as she prepares to relocate to L.A., which ends with a surprising exhortation to "Burn down the whole damn place! There's nothing here for you now, follow me to Los Angeles!" The rioting lasts for days, and will serve as the subject for her first three installments of O, her just-announced show on OWN.