For a certain percentage of the population, Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen is the Sexiest Man (Kinda) Alive. For the rest of us, he's much too emo to get worked up about. But all is not lost! With Extreme Makeover tips from even the crappiest vampire-themed flicks, he might sparkle for everyone yet!
1. Get A Tan
In 1979's Love At First Bite, Count Vladimir Dracula sported George Hamilton's supernaturally bronzed skin despite his dwelling in darkness. Just as laid back, baby, was that he also danced disco to I Love The Nightlife with Susan Saint James! It's certainly a refreshing change from pale shoegazing to Death Cab For Cutie. Three decades on, Hamilton is still looking immortal despite all those warnings about UV's harmful effects, and at 70 is still Dancing With The Stars. So maybe a bit of the immortality of the role stayed with him.
2. Get Speedy
Some Twi-logue, even to fan ears, is pretty coagulated -- and it gets thicker the more it's chewed. Here R-Pattz could take a lesson from Ben Kingsley's boss bloodsucker Kagan in Uwe Boll's misbegotten 2005 vampire-video-game adaptation BloodRayne. Sir Ben might've been happy to cash the much-loathed German schockmeister's check but he wasn't going to sully himself by actually trying. One of the movie's marvels is how the Oscar winner races through his worst monologues without pausing for breath or inflection.
3. Get Funky
Edward's artfully-depressed-Williamsburg-hipster attire says he's twi-ing to hard -- or not hard enough. Back in the day, Dracula could be counted on to wear nothing less than black tie with cape. Even in 1973's blaxploitation effort Scream Blacula Scream, this was how William Marshall dressed for suck-cess. His protégé, Richard Lawson's Willis, added funk to formality. See how he doesn't mind being turned into a vampire but is pissed that he can't see how smooth he looks in the mirror. Fair enough because this hep-cat looks damned fine. Surely Edward, who's 108 years old, could drag some ace retro threads out of the closet and jazz things up a little?
4. Get Real
A sensitive non-human sucking vampire makes for a neat extended abstinence metaphor but doesn't it go against the whole mythology? Kinda like Godzilla declining to stomp miniature cities and instead pitching in to build public housing? To get across-the-board bad-ass appeal, Edward Cullen just has to put the bite on someone. Lusting for virgin blood is in his nature. For inspiration and/or justification, he need look no further than Udo Kier's near-ejaculatory enthusiasm in 1974's Dracula, a schlocker produced by Andy Warhol who, come to think of it, may have served as a hair and pallor model for Edward.
5. Get A New 'Do
Speaking of fright wigs -- enough with Edward's supposed crowning glory! On the New Moon EW cover, an only 66% kidding R-Pattz said "The hair is 75% of my performance." That could be part of the crossover problem, dude. And anyway, it's a "performance" we've seen before, from Stephen Geoffrey's similar stylings in 1985's Fright Night to Jonathan Lipnicki's stand-at-attention locks in 2000's The Little Vampire. Even the original ghost-faced, shock-haired legend Christopher Walken toned it down when he played a vampire in 1995's The Addiction. So, mix it up, Cullen! Brad Pitt's variety of hairstyles in Interview With A Vampire should prove you can sport a mullet and/or ponytail and still be voted Sexiest Man Forever. Okay, so that was a decent movie, but even Richard Roxburgh took some stylistic chances as Count Dracula in 2004's craptastic Van Helsing.
6. Get A Sense Of Humor
Yes, we get it: tortured, torn, etc. Can't Edward be any fun at all? And what better way than with a few pratfalls and gross-out moments? Think about how "human" he'd come across if he popped off a fart or tumbled down some stairs for a giggle. We're not saying go the Full Leslie Nielsen, but 1995's Dracula: Dead And Loving It offers bits of business that might be worked into future installments to lighten that mood. Especially if he used his wacky mindpowers to make Bella do something totally crazy. Like stop biting her lip.
7. Get A New Ride
Edward's a car freak -- no problem with that. It definitely adds to his cool. But he could take the need for speedy sex appeal so much further. Drac got around in a light plane in 1997 Stephen King adaptation The Night Flier. But the sky is not the limit! In 2004's Dracula 3000, Count Orlock menaced astronauts, and, even more awesomely, Earth got invaded by sexy space vampires in Tobe Hooper's screamingly bad 1985 epic Lifeforce. All we're saying is that in space no-one can hear you suck: it's always Twilight somewhere in the universe and its hunk shouldn't be limited to Earth so New Moon and Eclipse should really be followed by Twilight: Blast Off.
8. Get A Sidekick
For the vampire wanting to enhance his handsome sex appeal, a freaky man-servant is a must-have accessory. It was a tradition firmly implanted in the movie consciousness by Dwight Frye's creepy Renfield to Bela Lugosi's Count in 1931's Dracula but it's sadly fallen by the wayside. What better way for a pale, brooding and monstrously haired hunk to look even better than by standing next to a gimpy nutjob. And while he's on the road to recovery, Michael Richards is probably going cheap - and he has form, as the six people who saw Transylvania 6-5000 can attest!
9. Get A Pet
As any man who has ever walked a good-looking canine knows, pooches attract the ladies' attention. Problem: a cute little puppy or Chihuahua is going to work against the whole dark 'n' sexy thing. So how about a sleek, muscular but utter bastard of a dog as your secondary sidekick? And to ensure it's totally loyal, sink your fangs into it and turn it into a vamp-dog! Hell, it worked for Dracula in 1978's Zoltan, Hound Of Dracula.
Michael Adams is the author of the upcoming comic memoir Showgirls, Teen Wolves, And Astro Zombies: A Film Critic's Year-Long Quest To Watch The Worst Movie Ever Made (It! Books)