Are you an obsessive fan of premium cable programming with a flair for fashion, but have always been bothered that you've had no tasteful way to express your devotion to your favorite pay-TV shows, other than a clumsily realized Cafe Press t-shirt tribute bearing a grainy image of Vinnie Chase or Hank Moody doggy-styling a promiscuous, starstruck co-ed? Then take heart! Because HBO, looking to further exploit the runaway success of True Blood, its campy look at backwoods Louisiana's most fashion-forward undead tastemakers, has just announced the launch of a premium line of True-inspired jewelry that will make you the envy of all the kids at the Hot Topic who've just blown their entire allowance on knockoff Sookie short-shorts. To assist you with the shopping spree you're undoubtedly about to embark on, Movieline's True Blood recapper extraordinaire Seth Abramovitch and Editor at Large Mark Lisanti are taking some time to walk you through the collection, piece by exquisite piece.
Mark: First, we have the Sandblasted Silver Double Ring with Two Rubies in the Center (the actual name! a mouthful, but very descriptive.) Right away, I'm a little concerned. Silver?
Seth: Maybe it's a vampire repellant.
Mark: Is its purpose to immobilize two fingers of your vampire prey? Seems dangerous.
Seth: My first reaction, before reading the description, was that it would make a nice labia piercing for Sophie-Ann the Vampire Queen of Louisiana.
Mark: Hmm, a little busy for that, I think. But there's a lovely infinity motif in their entire ring line. Love is, after all, eternal.
Seth: Lafayette's secret nuts-spigot?
Mark: It's either an interpretation of Bill's undying love for Sookie, wrought in silver. Or a nuts spigot. I think it could be a dual-purpose item. And at $300, it better be.
Seth: Well I think these pieces are abstract enough that they can be both.
Mark: Agreed. Link your fingers in love or your genitals in genitorture. Whatever you're into.
Seth: Because the first thing I thought of when I saw that little Leather Bracelet with Silver Chain and Ruby was that it would make an adorable collar for Sam in Beagle mode.
Mark: Excellent segue. Next item! Beagle Sam would look absolutely fetching in that. Fetching. Like what a beagle does. (Chases after terrible pun, retrieves pun, returns to crate in shame.)
Seth: Though if he changes shape it runs the risk of snapping or falling off completely.
Mark: This is true. Should he need to escape via housefly mode, the jewelry is lost. $195 dollars down the swamp drain. It's a shame that there's no version big enough to fit Lafayette as a collar. Seems like something he could wear on his webcam sex shows. For his discreet S&M clientele.
Seth: Actually I think the Stainless Steel Chain Necklace with Extension is a direct allusion to Eric's basement slave wheel.
Mark: Indeed, that extension seems sturdy enough to lash to any large dungeon device, not just those in the donkey-wheel family. Trudge in a circle, over and over, wondering when your captor is going to drain your blood and damn you to an undead existence, and look fabulous while doing it!
Seth: I hope they come out with a line of True Blood surgical implantation devices, in honor of Lafayette's doomed, sexually-experimental slavemate.
Mark: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Simple, elegant jewelry first, surgical implantation devices next. It's a platformed approach to merchandising.
Seth: Let's cut to the chase: How much will I have to shell out to get that "Eric" look the ladies love so much?
Mark: Hmm. How does $195 sound?
Seth: Like a sound investment!
Mark: Then you're in luck, because that's the price of Leather Cuff with Large Silver Studs, or Leather Cuff with Small Silver Studs. You have stud-related options here. If large studs are too flashy, you can opt for the more restrained, smaller studs. It depends on how Butch-Eric you're looking to go with your studs.
Seth: Which is more appropriate for the A Formal Evening for True Blood Fans soiree I'll be soon attending at the Burbank Marriott?
Mark: I'd go with the smaller studs.
Seth: Done.
Mark: But! You might consider a PAIR of cuffs. Symmetry is in.
Seth: Hmmm....no shirt, silver bowtie, could work...
Mark: So that will run your nearly $400. Totally worth it, IMHO. Hold on. Are you going as Eric or a Vampire Chippendale?
Seth: Plus whatever the foil highlights will cost...
Mark: Foil highlights not included, I assume. Though that's not explicit on the site. I have to say, if you're really looking to make a splash, you might want to upgrade the leather to the Stainless Steel Multi-Chain Arm Band with Rubies. And it's a unisex item!
Seth: That would look good on Jason Stackhouse.
Mark: Isn't it a little too bold for him? Stackhouse types don't seem to me like ones to go with wrist-armor.
Seth: True, and it might rust while receiving bathtub handjobs from reverends' wives.
Mark: And we certainly wouldn't want the reverends' wives wearing it for that purpose. A cheese-grater effect could occur. Painful. But I have to say, $399 is quite reasonable for such a beautifully constructed piece.
Seth: Again, I don't know why, but I keep coming back to the words Lafayette Signature Genital Constraint Collection with most of these pieces.
Mark: There seems to be that inspiration running through much of the line, I agree. But in the classiest way possible. We're talking about jewelry inspired by premium cable's most successful show. When I look at those pieces, I don't think something out of a case in the back room at Rough Trade. I think, something sitting on a satin pillow at Vampire Tiffany's. That you'll take home in a blue box (with blood red accents).
Seth: I agree. HBO-series-inspired jewelry collections have evolved by leaps and bounds since the days of John From Cincinnati pukashellwear.
Mark: Which was surprising wearable, if tragically downmarket.
Seth: And the Six Feet Under line of funeral accessories.
Mark: The HBO-endorsed products do turn out so much better than the opportunistic knockoffs. Like Gay Vito's pool cue.
Seth: That was just cynical -- but surprisingly well made. I use mine regularly!
Mark: I think it's time we look at the big-ticket item.
Seth: It's a beauty. The Stainless Steel Invisible Clasp Necklace with Rubies. $1,295.00, plus taxes and handling charges.
Mark: At $1295, we're no longer fooling around. This is heirloom-quality stuff. That you can personally hand down to your great-great grandchildren, since you never die.
Seth: This item separates the True Blood-inspired-jewelry-collecting boys from the men. I mean, I've heard the expression, "Dripping in ruby-like composite before" but this is ridiculous.
Mark: It's like something Maryanne would wear to her most upscale black-eyed-zombie orgy. Accessorizing perfectly with a Sterling Silver Bull Head.
Seth: I could seriously see some major star on the red carpet, responding, "True Blood Jewelry Collection, created in an edgy fusion of sterling silver, polished steel and luminous red rubies, many of which feature a patented fang-like clasp!!!" when asked who designed that spectacular piece.
Mark: You see, you're paying for grace notes like those fang-clasps.
Attention to detail, consummate craftsmanship. You could have any run-of-the-mill clasp in an inferior vampire-jewelry collection. Here, you get fangs.
Seth: It's enough to turn other goth girls green with envy.
Mark: OR THEIR NECKS GREEN, FROM INFERIOR COSTUME JEWELRY.
Seth: Bat-clasps are sooooo last season.
Mark:Bat clasps? What is this, f*cking Twilight?
I have to say...if I'm laying out $1300, I think I'm going with the Seven Layer Stainless Steel Chain with Rubies.
Seth: (With fang closure.)
Mark: Opulent. Decadent. Instead of your neck dripping with blood, it's dripping with seven amazing chains of stainless steel.
Seth: Well, I wouldn't say no. HAHAHA! If you were to buy it...for me... You know what I mean.
Mark: I'm sorry, this is only for Evan Rachel Wood types. You have to have that kind of queen-like confidence to carry this one off.
Seth: The only thing she wants is the Stainless Steel Sandblasted Yahtzee Set with Ruby-Pipped Dice.
Mark: Coming next September, at a more-than-reasonable $975!
Seth: and a Euro-model-filled salad bar.
Mark: Now I think you're just getting crazy.
Seth: I'm just going with the fantasy. And isn't what True Blood -- and this collection -- is all about? Surrendering to the drama.
Mark: Indeed, indeed.
Seth: I think we all owe Udi Behr, the designer who brought these creations to life, a big round of applause.
Mark: It couldn't have been an easy assignment, and he carried it off with style, class, and grace. Kudos, Udi! And to HBO, for not being afraid to be simultaneously fabulous and brand-oriented.
Seth: And now, just like other Udi aficionados like Elton John, Ringo Starr , Ludacris, Cyndi Lauper, Angela Bassett and Sharon Stone, I too can bask in his handcrafted opulence.
Mark: And Sam Merlotte! Or Alexandr Saarsgard!
Seth: The collection needs a better tagline, though. Udi Behr: He Wants To Do Bad Things to You?
Mark: And on that note, I think we're done here.