Having fended off Hollywood's lascivious advances for five full decades, Barbie has finally collapsed onto its couch with her legs spread, exhausted from years of being chased around a desk by horny, pantsless studio-executive suitors promising to make her a big movie star. Variety reports that Universal is the beneficiary of the Mattel icon's weary willingness to surrender her big-screen virtue to the highest bidder, announcing today they've reached a deal for a live-action film based on America's favorite plastic bundle of unhealthy body-image issues.
Reaching the deal was the easy part; with the relationship consummated (awkwardly, we'd assume, as her significant other of fifty years has no genitals), Universal must now pull up its pants and figure out what, exactly, that franchise-launching Barbie movie might be. (This isn't some obvious toy-to-film conversion, like, um View-Master or, er, Battleship) What follows are Movieline's attempts to help Universal jump start its development process by narrowing down the list of Barbie's 120-plus jobs (a partial list here, and an informative slideshow here) to a more manageable number and looking at the narrative possibilities those occupations might yield.
Title: President Barbie
Occupation: President of the United States
Casting possibilities: Hayden Pannitiere, Miley Cyrus
Logline: Following Barack Obama's eight-year run in the White House, America is once again ready for change, electing Barbie to our Nation's highest office. Unfortunately, the right-wing Republican immediately uses her power to undo much of the progress of the previous Administration, frittering away a budget surplus, invading Iran, and further deregulating Wall Street. But after having a change of heart mid-way through her term, President Barbie finally frees herself from the sway of evil political svengali Skipper, and decides she's going to fix the mistakes of her disastrous first two years. Yay!
Title: BarTrek
Occupation: Starfleet Officer
Casting possibilities: Kaley Cuoco, Kristen Bell
Logline: Boldly going where no doll has gone before, Captain Barbie T. Barbingkirk leads the Starship Barbieprise on a humanitarian mission to the furthest reaches of the galaxy, exchanging fashion tips with the universe's most interestingly dressed life-forms, then returning to Earth with cutest clothes ever. Yay!
Title: Barbie Presents: Top Fun!
Occupation: Air Force Pilot
Casting possibilities: Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde
Logline: As the Air Force's most daring, but often most reckless, female fighter pilot, Barbie (call sign: Ferrarri ) is dispatched to the Middle East "danger zone" of the Middle East. After losing wing-woman Stacie (call sign: Lil' Sis) to a malfunctioning ejection seat during a risky maneuver, she learns an important lesson about responsibility and the importance of family. Yay!
Title: Nurse Barbie
Occupation: Registered Nurse
Casting possibilities: Mischa Barton, Lindsay Lohan
Logline: After finishing nursing school at the top of her class, Barbie takes a position at an underfunded local city hospital. But surrounded by so much suffering and disease, she quickly succumbs to the siren call of prescription narcotics (supplied by a pharmacist with whom she's having an ill-conceived sexual relationship) to blunt the pain all around her. Luckily, handsome young internist Dr. Ken teaches her that even a high-functioning addict is still an addict, she kicks her pill addiction, and helps save the life of a kindly homeless junkie with no health insurance. Yay!
Title: Twilight Barbie
Occupation: Any of her 120 jobs she could perform on a part-time basis during high school
Casting possibilities: Amanda Seyfried, Nikki Reed
Logline: Three words: Barbie. Teenage. Vampire. We're shooting tomorrow. Script? Hmm. Oh, we've got this thing about a high school full of really hot 17-year-old vampires we've had on the shelf for eight years. It's terrible, but we'll dust that bad boy off, find-and-replace Barbie into it, we're good to go. You ready to open to $75 million? F*ck yes, you are. Let's do this. I can already see an entire aisle at Hot Topic selling black vampire Barbie lunchboxes. [Sound of a high-five, three lines of blow being Hoovered off a glass coffee table.] Nice!