Though Kim Zolciak's song "Tardy for the Party" on Real Housewives of Atlanta might be even more disastrous than her wig, at least it confirms her membership in a notable club of reality stars who wanted to become pop singers. What was once a time-honored tradition in the UK (where you can be the first contestant voted off Big Brother and produce a #1 single the next day) has now become a full-fledged contagion on our shores, so Movieline felt it was time to pay our respects to the six most egregious reality-stars-turned-singers. Turn up your speakers, if you dare!
1. Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Song: "Tardy for the Party"
It remains to be seen whether Kim can vault to stardom, but we think the odds are stacked against any housewife who tries to sound like a freshman in high school inviting senior boys over for a rainbow party. Don't be tardy for the party, rugby captain.
2. Jo De La Rosa of The Real Housewives of Orange County
Song: "U Can't Control Me"
Back when The Real Housewives didn't seem like a never-ending, MILF-centric geography lesson, Jo De Le Rosa sparkled on screen as the wannabe singer who bragged of her husband Slade, "He's basically keeping me." Well, now she's "freaking" out! Jo's single "U Can't Control Me" off her album Unscripted packs the angst of Kelly Clarkson into the warble of an overgrown kindergartener. Suck down some store-bought balloons and play along!
3. Heidi Montag of The Hills
Song: "No More"
The helium-filled McDonald's birthday party continues with Heidi Montag's voice, set to vocoder level "sexy congestion." The worst part about Montag's singing career is how touted it is by Spencer Pratt, who, at separate times, has called his wife better than Michael Jackson and Madonna. We vote that "No More" is the worst Montag song, because any moment of "seriousness" from a Hills star is lethal. The only way it could be any worse is if Spencer rapped on it too.
4. Brooke Hogan from Hogan Knows Best
Song: "Falling"
I don't detest Brooke like I do Heidi Montag, but her attempts at a music career have produced dated, bland pop music. Like, this "Falling" song? Sounds like a wretched Ashanti B-side that she hides in a safe-deposit box in Fresno. The video, featuring Brooke rolling around and playing with her breasts on a beach, is painful. When all is said and done, I'd argue her father's penchant for 19-year-old hos is more noble than her music career.
5. Jeff Conaway from Celebrity Fit Club and Celebrity Rehab
Song: "Crazy"
A hickey from Kenickie is a Hallmark Card! A self-composed song called "Crazy" from Kenickie is the most disturbing footage you've seen in your entire life. He may have been famous before Dr. Drew's advice entered his life, and he may not have parlayed his notoriety into a singing career, but... this is necessary to post. Maybe every day.
6. David Broom from The Real World: New Orleans
Song: "Come On Be My Baby Tonight"
My absolute favorite. David was the self-righteous blowhard on The Real World: New Orleans who enraged Melissa, annoyed everyone else, and forgave himself because he was so sensitive. He has a message for you: I've seen the way you've treated other thugs you've been with. Skee-dopple-dwee-dopple-dee. Come on be my baby tonight. He knows you want it.