Avril Lavigne, the seven-year veteran of the almost-punk-pop mainstream, is scheduled to laugh at talentless hacks as part of the L.A. casting for American Idol. Colleague Katy Perry will guest-host on the second day of the L.A. dates, meaning the two singers' critical skills are bound to be compared. Who's going to win this competition of erudition, analytical expertise, and neon hair streaks?
Critical Thinking Skills
Though "I Kissed a Girl" is as overplayed as Days of Thunder on TBS, Katy Perry has so far 1) not called herself a "punk rocker," 2) not married the blond hedgehog from Sum41, and 3) not ripped off that Rubinoos "Girlfriend" song. These are all hallmarks of a trenchant Idol diagnostician, perhaps even a senator. Winner: Katy
Quip Potential
Katy's been known to spew a few bon mots, but I think I speak for everyone when I say I look forward to Avril throwing her red Coca Cola cup at Kara DioGuardi and barking, "NO MORE BRITNEYS, KAREN" at some time in the proceedings. Winner: Avril
Ability to Avoid Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell needs room for 1) full-paragraph diatribes, and for 2) his thrice-an-hour fifteen-minute breaks, where he stretches his Kodiak chest and mumbles about how Piers Morgan thinks he knows Greco-Roman wrestling but Simon could pin him in six minutes flat. Avril and Katy aren't known for their shyness, but they have to allow the Briton his huffing room. Katy can silently BBM with Ryan Seacrest, but Avril Lavigne will loudly caw on her cell with Perez Hilton. The phrase, "I am not a Valium-eyed mouth-breather!" may be uttered. When Simon hits his off-camera "angry" button, Terri Seymour will have no choice but to enter the room and aim the fire hose at the frowny Canadian. Winner: Katy
Name Recognition
Please. Randy Jackson will mistakenly call Katy Perry "Zooey" or "Not Paula" nine times out of ten. Winner: Avril
The Whole Package
Ultimately, Katy Perry is a cheekier, "more current" recording artist than Avril Lavigne, who was last seen losing a Three-Card Monte game to trickster Vanessa Carlton in Chino. Avril may be spunkier (and punkier, sure), but Katy's the one who will emerge from the giant faulty banana of American Idol as a mildly reliable source of knowledge. You don't survive years as a Christian singer without emerging as a hardened veteran. Winner: Katy