I don't know about you, but if I worked out for THREE HOURS A DAY, I would probably eat ice cream for dinner, because why not? Gwyneth Paltrow, on the other hand, trains exactly that hard with the woman who sculpted Madonna's terrifying arms and with whom she is opening a gym, yet she still devoted her latest GOOP newsletter to a detox cleanse she had to take to drop unwanted pounds.
Gwyneth Paltrow is a 36-year-old Oscar winner. She does not know she will soon face a Movieline intervention.
First, a bit of career advice. Gwyneth, you were so close to pulling off a comeback! To the letter, you followed the Female Mega-Celebrity Playbook: fame, an incipient backlash, a fall from grace in the court of public opinion, then a humbled return to the spotlight cheered by the same people who had at one time rooted against you. It's a plan that can work: Just ask Mariah Carey or Hillary Clinton!
However, Gwyneth, you seem determined to burn through the goodwill that your supporting role in Iron Man engendered by freaking out America with your constant diet-and-exercise obsession. Yes, America is fat (too many Any'tizers!). You, on the other hand, are not fat. And I don't mean that in the "You're not fat because you exercise, kudos!" way, I mean that in the "You're not fat, stop exercising so much" way.
Here is the text from your latest GOOP missive:
As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long "Clean" detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious "relax and enjoy life phase" about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing. And don't forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.
I'm guessing my doctor will say, "No, it isn't!" But let's leave that aside and focus on the extra pounds you gained from a "relax and enjoy life phase a month ago." A phase! GP, what the hell? You've got millions in Coldplay money and A View from the Top residuals, you act a few weeks a year on an Iron Man movie, and you WORK OUT THREE HOURS A DAY. If you need to assign yourself a "relax and enjoy life" phase, then you are messing up life things just like you're messing up your comeback.
I know this is rash, but it may be time to send you to a special spa where they prescribe a regimen pioneered by noted nutrition specialist Britney Spears: You eat what you want, then you get lipo, because you have money.
Good luck, Gwyneth. And Blythe Danner? Stop giving her extra cash when she comes around. She's just going to spend that money on an elliptical machine. You know this.