"I feel like I won!" says the newly-notorious Miss California of the fame that's resulted from her awwwwkward homofaux pas (coming out against gay marriage) at last night's Miss USA pageant. And indeed she has -- in many ways, an also-ran's fifteen minutes is worth a lot more than a yearlong Miss USA title. However, what truly makes Miss California a winner in our eyes is just how crucially she has fucked up every chance at redemption. At a time when even a dollop of fame can net someone a personal publicist or crisis manager, it's exhilarating to watch the oblivious, unsavvy Miss Cali tunnel her way to China. Let's explore her missteps!
Mistake #1: Obviously, this would be the inciting incident itself, when Miss Cali was asked by celebrity judge Perez Hilton whether other states should follow the example of Vermont, which recently legalized same-sex marriage. "Um, we live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage," she began promisingly, her confidence in her own opinions far outpacing her grasp of what things are called. "And, you know what? In my country and in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be--between a man and a woman." "No offense" is the best thing to say before something offensive. It's like using a highlighter pen.
Mistake #2: As Hilton's face fell (which is fun to watch, but not for that!), Miss Cali neglected to realize she now had a judge who would never, ever vote for her. Even though she'd been hotly tipped to win (really?), the grand prize went to Miss Indiana.
Mistake #3: Later, Miss Cali took a call from Access Hollywood dimple monster Billy Bush where, instead of hanging up, she agreed to come on his radio show.
Mistake #4: On said show, Miss Cali told Bush that she felt like she was actually the winner (how gracious, that) because she came home to 1,000 messages on Facebook, which sounds horrible.
Mistake #5: "My sister is a second lieutenant in the Air Force and she is a gay rights activist," Miss Cali further explained. But not to worry, her sister isn't actually a gay or anything. Also, this: "She was just in my hotel room and she said, 'Sis, I'm not offended by anything that you said. We have two different opinions and I love you because of it. I love you because you stood up for what was right.'" That is something that a gay activist would definitely say.
Mistake #6: Let's just quote this directly from Access Hollywood:
"He is a great man," she said on rumors of dating Michael Phelps, laughing in response to Billy's questions. "Wouldn't you like to know, Billy Bush? We can talk about that a different day."
No you can't! Enjoy the culmination of your fast, vicious news cycle. We'll see you again on Sober House.
· Miss California's Big Gay Marriage Fail [Towleroad]
· Miss California: My Sister Is A Gay Rights Activist [Access Hollywood]