That was three times too many.

Piranha 3DD is the hardly-at-all awaited follow-up to Alexandre Aja’s 2010 schlockerpiece Piranha 3D, in which hordes of mutant killer fish found their way into a lake favored by scantily clad cuties just as spring break was kicking in. Boobs and penises were chomped upon mercilessly; asses hanging through the doughnut holes of innertubes became low-hanging fruit for these bloodthirsty carnivores, giving new meaning to the term “bottom feeder,” not to mention “buttmunch.” Piranha 3D was ridiculous, gory and fun, everything Piranha 3DD is not.

Piranha 3DD takes place not near a lake or an ocean, but around an Arizona water park run by an unapologetic sleazebag (David Koechner) who believes he’s going to rake in the dough with his new enterprise, a sort of chlorinated strip bar where women are invited — nay, encouraged — to swim topless. And so they do. The sleazebag’s step-daughter, a smart, pretty marine biologist (Danielle Panabaker), catches wind of this plan and doesn’t like it one bit — she’s half-owner of the park and would prefer to see it as a locale for good, old-fashioned family fun, as it has been for years. But that’s the least of her problems, as you can imagine. Massive numbers of finned, fanged nasties have found their way into a nearby lake and you can bet your innertube-encircled ass that it won’t be long before they show up in that water park.

Except it does take them a long time to get there. A long, long time. Almost nothing happens in the first half-hour of Piranha 3DD. Not much happens in the last 50 minutes or so, either. There are a few exceedingly crude gags: A wily P-fish wriggles up a girl’s vagina and hides out there quietly, waiting for the right moment to strike. But Piranha 3DD is, for the most part, disappointingly low on gore. Gulager favors underwater POV crotch shots and repetitive footage of lovely lasses screaming with laughter as they career down water slides, their naked breasts glistening with moisture. Granted, there were lots of crotches and boobs in Piranha 3DD’s predecessor, but that picture was, even in the midst of all its absurdity, craftily paced. Gulager doesn’t bother with any of that stuff career occasionally he throws a bloody stump or two our way, but even those are in short supply in Piranha 3DD. Aside from a welcome and all-too-brief appearance by Ving Rhames (one of the heroes of the earlier movie), Piranha 3DD’s only nod to star power is that David Hasselhoff shows up, playing himself, which is the last thing he should be playing. Even for an unapologetic B movie. Piranha 3DD is three times worse than it ought to have been. I should get my money back 3DD times over.

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PMC Studios' Beyond the Trailer (owned by Movieline's parent company PMC) caught up with some early Snow White adopters at the AMC E-Walk today, and they told Grace Randolph they were there to see the Evil Queen — Charlize Theron. What's more: At least one woman says she actually saw the film despite K-Stew.

Also: Props to the older lady at 3:50 dropping truth bombs about dead ugly people, who wants to buy presents for Hemsworth's children (even though they'd most certainly be impossibly beautiful Hems-spawn, but whatevs).

Surprised at all the Charlize love? Agree with the consensus that KStew's performance pales in comparison to Theron's near-camp extravaganza? Or are you REALLY in it just to see Hemsworth swing that axe around a forest?

For more movie news, commentary, and reviews, check out Beyond the Trailer on YouTube.

So I'm going to go out on a limb and share one of my favorite Freeman characters: Azeem in the oft-maligned Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Freeman's dedicated Moor warrior was as compelling as Kevin Costner's accent, or lack thereof, was ridiculous. Look, it was 1991. I was 10. He was my second-favorite thing about that movie after the hit single "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)." And just look at how he does with one speech what Costner's Robin Hood can't manage to do with ten times the number of forest pep talks!

If you would be freemen and women, so to speak, join me now! Leave your favorite Freeman roles in the comments below.

[via MTV]

Oh, good: MTV has more info on the ATL Twins, who make an appearance at the end of the video and are apparently real: "They're these twins who are all Fubu'ed out, but they only have sex with the same girl. They're really strange. They sleep in the same bed together." Sounds about right. And they're on Twitter! (FOLLOW.)

[via The Playlist]

Clinton shared his childhood memories of moviegoing between discussions of more compelling (okay, real) issues. His trip down memory lane included vivid recollections of the good old days. "You could go to the movies for a dime, and I’d get 20 cents — I think you could get a Coke and a candy bar for a nickel." (Well, he is over a dozen years older than Wilford Brimley was when he was the same age as Tom Cruise shooting Cocoon, or whatever.)

Now, the hypothetical Weinstein-produced Clinton biopic — there's an idea. Meryl Streep as Hillz? If anyone could make that happen, it'd be Weinstein. Better question: Who'd play Ryan Gosling?

[via CNN]

[Photo: President Clinton and Harvey Weinstein at Hillary Clinton's birthday party circa 2000 via Getty Images]

From Bloody Disgusting:

Ridley enters and sees our tape recorders.

"Look at this technology. Jesus Christ. 40 years ago when Kirk said 'Beam me up, Scotty' we used to think that was fucking ridiculous, remember? Seriously, that’s been 40 years and then when he says the 'disintegration' of his matter into the 'reintegration' of his matter in the next space, that right there is light speed. So they touched on light speed. I’ve talked to NASA about this and they’ve said that’s light speed. So 'Can you do it?' They said 'Yeah. Have you got seven glasses of water?' I go 'Not the seven glasses of water trick, please.' There were all scientists in the room and he started to explain to me the relativity and the speed of light. 'Can you do it?' 'Yeah.' He said the only barrier is 'us.' He said, I can mathematically explain how, but we haven’t gotten there with that."

Actual Prometheus spoilers and hints, discussion of the film's evolution from Scott's idea called Alien: Paradise, and the moment when he forgets Jean-Pierre Jeunet's name (you know, "the Frenchman") in the full chat courtesy of Bloody Disgusting, if you dare...

[Bloody Disgusting]

Gerner claims her injuries still prevent her from working, which really makes me wonder - what kind of costume could put you out for over a year? My money's on an outfit from MIB3's 1969-set Warhol party, teeming with go-go dancing refugees from the Austin Powers movies. Or maybe...

[THR]