If Movieline ran a feature to accompany Bad Movies We Love called Bad Trailers We Love, the gory sales preview for Dario Argento's monsterpiece Dracula 3D would be spotlighted this week. It features everything that is awful about bad horror movies -- but in such a straightforward way that you can't help but watch the trailer in knee-slapping awe. Beware: One gratuitous sponge bath, buckets of movie blood and spoilers galore await you.
Argento's take on the Bram Stoker classic stars Thomas Kretschmann (King Kong) as Dracula, Rutger Hauer (Hobo With a Shotgun) as Van Helsing and Asia Argento (actress and daughter of the director) as Lucy. Shot last summer, this "sales trailer" appears to have been cobbled together from the film's most climactic scenes before the visual effects have been completed. Enjoy then, the after-school-special quality of acting on both the parts of the humans and the animals (sadly, the woman confronted by wolves did not have minibar booze bottles handy to fend off these beasts). If Uggie were reviewing this movie, which he appears fully capable of doing, he would give this two paws down and a tortured whimper.
Also, for those keeping count at home, Dracula 3D does appear to feature:
· 1 19th century character with breast implants
· At minimum, 3 untraceable accents
· 1 fully nude woman baring her fangs while on all fours for no apparent reason
· 1 GIGANTIC PRAYING MANTIS WITH OCTOPUS ARMS
· 1 man being crudely decapitated by another man's claws
· 1 actor who hisses like a cat every time he reveals his fangs
No word yet on when Dracula 3D will see the light of day.
VERDICT: I may not admit to it afterward, but yes, I would watch Dracula 3D.
[via BadAssDigest.com]