If you were one of the curious few who caught Twilight star Taylor Lautner's abysmally-reviewed action star debut, Abduction, then you know how insanely, wonderfully ridiculous it is. Like, Razzie shoo-in, I-can't-believe-I'm-seeing-this-shit awfulsome good times. It's a film with dialogue so inane, Lautner actually asks, "Are you my mother??" And he's serious. I had such a good time "WTF"-ing at Abduction, I compiled all of my screening notes within for your perusal. Needless to say, major spoiler alert!
It's amazing how little reason and logic comes into play in John Singleton's PG-13 actioner, filmed from a script that Lionsgate paid a reported $1 million to buy. Which is incredible because no other film in recent memory has been this amazingly stupid across the board, from the story to the dialogue to the wooden action. It may not have been the box office triumph the filmmakers boldly believed it to be, but at least Abduction is a cult classic in the making! Beware (and enjoy) major spoilers and the worst lines of the year. It's a must-see -- for all the wrong reasons, but still! You won't be disappointed.
• Taylor Lautner is playing Ship's Mast. He's SO EDGY! Cringe moment #1: He can't even yell "Yeaaaah!" convincingly. Uh-oh. Not a good sign.
• Teen-speak ADR'ed into a high school party scene: "That's swag!" Kudos John Singleton, with your finger on the pulse of today's youth.
• Taylor Lautner is underage drinking! (Would Stephenie Meyer approve?)
• Taylor Lautner is shirtless! (Stephenie Meyer would definitely approve.)
• Only five minutes have gone by!
• Child abuse as parent-child bonding. I dig it.
• Taylor Lautner is swearing guys! He's so grown up!
• "I still have THE DREAMS..." Therapist Sigourney Weaver's advice? Bury those repressed memories of watching your mom getting murdered. BURY THEM DEEP.
• Jaw clench #1
• Obligatory bicep shot #1, followed by jaw clench #2
• Apropo of nothing, from Tay-Tay's BFF: "So what if I go to the gun range three to four times a week to blow off steam?"
• SHIRTLESS SCENE #2! (He's legal, ok?)
• Yes, let's randomly assign you to partner with your dream girl on a sociology assignment involving looking up missing children websites. SURE.
• Wait a second, did second unit just misspell "disappeared" in an online chat close-up??
• "Are you my mother??"
• Seriously: "Come in the back door." Seriously.
• Number of bombs in the oven: 1 / Number of helmets worn during high speed motorcycle ride: 0
• Taylor's phone call to 911 is interrupted by The Government. "Wait - how'd you know my name??" Because they're everywhere, dipshit.
• Escape via balloons.
• "Get your shit together!" Sigourney Weaver with the only sane line of the movie.
• Oh, a floating branch wanders by just as you're trying to escape via the river? HOW CONVENIENT.
• On the run, Taylor wakes up from a bad dream with a single tear already trickled down his cheek.
• Hey, it's the guy from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! No, not Daniel Craig.
• Lily Collins flags down a trucker. "Hey, can you take us to Virginia?" "Get in!"
• "THIS is an odd address!" Lily to Taylor as they drive to his mother's address through what is CLEARLY a cemetery. My goodness.
• Jaw clench #15!
• HERE COMES THE KISSING! Wha--this is terrible. Horrible, bad kisses. A case for joining Team Edward if there ever was one. I think she just made out with his nose. He says he knows what he's doing now. I think he means he's totally DONE IT, you guys.
• Heavy make-out sesh is getting humpy when Lily Collins, who is clearly loose because she dated a college guy a lifetime ago (yesterday), breaks off the straddle-fest - because she's hungry. Because of course.
• Bad guy alert! If you're trying to abduct a kid for convoluted plot reasons, shouldn't you maybe, you know, not try to murder him right off the bat? Just sayin'.
• And Taylor defeats him with... his thighs! CROTCH POWER!
• Whoa. Dude is D-E-A-D.
• Fun fact: "Did you know cell phones can be turned into listening devices (which then account for enormous plot holes revealing key information to the main villain)?"
• Stadium parkour!
• Are you my... father??
THE END
(Wait, there was no abduction???)
Until next time, when Abduction 2: Abduct Harder promises even greater comic riches.