It's here! And... it stinks. In fact, the Taylor Lautner action "thriller" Abduction was rocking that all-too-rare, Bucky Larson-esque 0-percent Rotten Tomatoes ranking ("Its Tomato score got abducted!", a witty reader advised me last night) Thursday night before a couple so-and-so's from a recklessly forgiving enterprise called "Urban Cinefile" give it a thumbs-up. But there remains plenty of bile to drizzle over your breakfast -- and the likes of Roger Ebert haven't even chimed in yet. In Movieline's grand, Friday-morning tradition, let's have a taste!
9. "Child-abduction stories are the stuff of parents' nightmares. But the new Abduction comes with a twist, when a teenage boy sees his own face on one of those missing-children web sites -- and realizes his parents are not his parents. And goes in search of his roots. Given that the boy is played by Taylor Lautner, the slightly dazed weretoy of the Twilight series, I knew he was a changeling from the start. Just judging by his abs and acting, it's clear he's the product of a couple of wooden washboards." -- Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger
8. "Abduction may very well be the most mainstream, calculated and personality-less Hollywood motion picture this year. In the world of Abduction, every single teenager is in shape, attractive, has access to all the latest Apple products, and, with the exception of one black sidekick character who, naturally, knows how to jack a car, get hold of a gun and makes 'the best fake ID's in town,' is very, very white." -- Tom Clift, Cut Print Review
7. "Tech specs are generally mediocre, and Edward Shearmur's turgid heavy-rock score only accentuates the film's straight-to-video style." -- Andrew Barker, Variety
6. "Actual abduction may be preferable to the movie of the same name, but only if your kidnappers don't torture you by forcing you to watch it." -- Kyle Smith, NY Post
5. "[T]his may be the first film I've even seen where when an actor goes to put his hand thoughtfully on his chin, it's so awkward I became afraid he'd somehow miss and poke himself in the eye." -- Alison Willmore, Movieline
4. "Abduction's screenplay, by Shawn Christensen (otherwise known as stellastarr*'s lead singer), was secured by Lionsgate for $1m in one of those mythical bidding-war spec sales. Christensen is from Brooklyn, so it's more than possible that Abduction is a hipster's practical joke; 'Let's write a terrible action movie and see if anyone buys it.'" -- Clem Bastow, The Vine
3. "This kid can't carry a movie any more than Abigail Breslin can carry a refrigerator. He's got the look, yes, but even close-ups on that face are cause for laughs. What we have here is a movie that takes itself incredibly seriously, with a star who can't be taken seriously for a second. Lautner's actorly technique consists of a small handful of tricks in steady rotation, including heavy breathing through the nostrils, accentuating T's and gooing up inflections to boost his mildly effete, cool-guy drawl, and getting nasty with those bushy, furrowed eyebrows like a humorless Zoolander." -- R. Kurt Osenlund, Slant Magazine
2. "Abduction is a sloppy, exploitative act of star worship created (if that's the right word for cynical hackwork) around Mr. Lautner, the pouty 19-year-old heartthrob of the Twilight franchise. The camera swoons around him as if he were a priceless sculpture, often moving in for extreme close-ups. The movie stops in its tracks long enough to ogle an extended smooch whose slurping seems scientifically calculated to take things to the brink of an R rating." -- Stephen Holden, NY Times
1. "Abduction may be one of the most patently incompetent action-thrillers we've seen in some time, and its teenage target audience should rightfully be insulted that the filmmakers actually thought they were making a movie specifically for them." -- Edward Douglas, Coming Soon