According to a report from insider tipsters, Disney is set to announce that they've licensed the rights to adapt James Cameron's Avatar into a series of theme park rides at Disney World's Animal Kingdom in Florida. The news follows a long battle between Disney and rival amusement parkers Universal Studios for rights to the 20th Century Fox property, but the Avatar-Disney marriage makes good sense for a few reasons or five. Let's help Disney plan the most Na'vi-riffic Avatar experience possible with these proposed attraction ideas!
Unobtanium Mountain
Space Mountain always scared the crap out of me as a kid. Pitch-black, stomach-churning twists and turns and ups and downs, heading into a darkened void of nothingness... just like the spiritual nothingness that human corporate greed has engendered in the ruthless search for unobtanium, amirite? Teach those children the dangers of industrialism (but not, uh, feelgood family fun) by sending them out on Unobtanium Mountain. Alone.
Mr. Sully's Wild Toruk Ride
Avatar meets The Wind in the Willows in this dark ride replicating Jake Sully's memorable flight on the majestic great leonopteryx! Soar at middling speeds through an aerial landscape of Pandoran flora and fauna in bucket seats decorated with real* leonopteryx skins as you narrowly avoid low-impact collision with cliffsides and other rival train cars competing for the same woman track.
Colonel M.Q. (in the style of Captain E.O.)
Ever wonder how steely Colonel Miles Quaritch got to be so steely? Learn all you never knew you didn't know about the gruff military leader's idealistic early years battling space evil with the help of lasers and a robot rock'n'roll band in the 4-D musical short film attraction! Anjelica Huston co-stars. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.
The Na'vi Tunnel of Love
Look, kids. Disneyworld is a PDF-free zone of wholesome PG family fun, but you don't have to run off behind the bathrooms to paw at each other in secret while your parents stand in line for churros anymore! Introducing The Na'vi Tunnel of Love, where teenagers can "link up" safely, Pandora style, through conjoined hair extensions. The only downside: Those glowing fluorescent tendrils hanging from the Tree of Voices are equipped with tiny cameras wirelessly transmitting footage back to Hometree, AKA your parents.
Tree of Souls Death Tours
Enter this motion simulation ride and immerse yourself in the sights and sounds of Pandora as technicians tap directly into your nervous system to give you the sensory experience of being right there on the frontlines of the Tree of Souls battle! Not all of you will make it out alive, but those who don't will win the privilege of having their spirits subsumed into Eywa for all of eternity. Win-win!
*not real.
ยท Disney to Add 'Avatar' to Theme Park [NYT]