5 Ways Ryan O'Neal Could've Toasted His Film Career on Dancing With the Stars

Dancing with the Stars -- the torturous hoofing marathon that should be called They Shoot Has-Beens, Don't They? -- almost signed its most glorious celebrity in three seasons to appear on its thirteenth go-around: the winsome, storied, eerily flirtatious father to Tatum O'Neal, Mr. Ryan O'Neal. Oh my goodness. O'Neal and his daughter have worked out most of their differences over the years, but it's a little strange to realize the dubious Oscar nominee (for Love Story!) was going to be beamed into American homes for two weeks. Recent knee replacement surgery prevented him from officially signing on (he'll reportedly be ready for next season), but let's make the most of this almost-news and devise five dances O'Neal can perform in tribute to his film career in the future.

Love Story

Style: Samba

O'Neal's partner, Edyta Swilinska, feigns leukemia and saunters drearily through a pre-death samba. O'Neal tries to revive her after a deep, sensual dip, but it's too late: Edyta and her scathingly accurate Ali MacGraw impression are toast. The 1970 blockbuster's theme is essential here. Bruno Tonioli may comment, "What can you say about a 25-year-old girl that died? Well, I know what I say! Ay-yiy-yiy! Sexy dead Mommy makes Bruno hot hot hot" before standing up and thrusting at America and your kids.

What's Up, Doc?

Style: Cha Cha Cha

O'Neal and his partner Chelsie Hightower pony and jive upon a makeshift baggage claim while tossing lookalike valises at each other. At the end of the performance, both parties munch on a big carrot and lean jauntily into each other. Bruno Tonioli may comment, "A-deeb-a-deeb-That's all folks! NINE!" before gyrating against Len Goodman, leaping into the audience, and disappearing in an ecstatic cocaine haze.

Paper Moon

Style: Broadway

As a father-daughter trickster pair in the Depression, O'Neal and his partner Cheryl Burke clutch Bibles against their chests and point at one another, suggesting both, "You dirty rat!" and "We're in this racket together!" At dance's end, O'Neal can periodically abandon his daughter once he's introduced her to drugs and a randy Melanie Griffith at age 11. Bruno Tonioli may comment, "A paper moon? More like paper posture. Sorry, hot daddy, but that technique was as all-over-the-place as the Bogdanovich filmography. No boner for me this time, sorry. FOUR!"

Barry Lyndon

Style: Jig

In an unprecedented DWTS moment, O'Neal must perform a Riverdance jig as Barry Lyndon, the 18th century Irish adventurer. Luckily, the 70-year-old O'Neal can pull off the tougher kicks with the help of his partner Karina Smirnoff, who is wearing a bushy Kubrick beard and asking him to repeat the same gesture for 105 takes. Bruno Tonioli may note, "Luck of the Irish? It's got nothing to do with luck when it comes to your popping hips, daddy! OW OW OW. Be careful not to wear a white leotard next time, though, mmkay? The front four rows got a glimpse at your lucky charms."

Tough Guys Don't Dance

Style: Salsa

O'Neal sits as partner Julianne Hough performs the salsa of a lifetime. Bruno Tonioli may gasp, "YOU ANIMAL. Licky-licky! Love your style. So distant and sensual, like my own father! Perfect score, my good man. TEN."

· Injury prevents Ryan O'Neal from competing on 'DWTS' [Access Hollywood]