I'm afraid of Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, but for silly reasons. It has something to do with the title, which sounds like either an eerie whisper at Neverland Ranch or a creepy Paul Anka hit, and the track record of Ms. Katie Holmes, who first tried to terrify us in 1999's hyper-dorky Teaching Mrs. Tingle. You'd think Scream maestro Kevin Williamson would want to explore a darker teen fantasy than "getting back at a mean teacher," but no -- this movie is the horror equivalent of the Nickelodeon Takes Over Your School sweepstakes. Your history instructor is getting slimed! With her own blood! Sweet!
Teaching Mrs. Tingle concerns a potential valedictorian named Leigh Ann (Katie Holmes: Matriculant!) whose domineering history teacher Mrs. Tingle (Helen "FUCKING" Mirren) discovers that she's a stolen copy of the final exam. But she didn't really steal it, people -- her braindead thespian friend Jo Lynn (Marisa Coughlan) and well-coiffured burnout pal Luke (Barry Watson!) essentially pilfered it and placed it on her person. Since Leigh Ann needs a special valedictorians-only scholarship to get into college, she decides to visit Tingle in person with Jo Lynn and Luke to straighten things out. Somehow, Hard Candy-esque torture porn commences and Tingle ends up tethered to the bed like Regan in The Exorcist or James Franco in whatever the hell that was. Is it entertaining? Yes, in a surface, sub-Williamson way. Is it bad? Yes. Flagrantly. Here are five reasons you should ignore your tingles of skepticism and give it a go.
5. Oops, we hate these characters.
Katie Holmes, excellent try! But, no. One problem with Teaching Mrs. Tingle is it feels like an elongated short subject. "Exacting revenge on an old meanie" is the stuff of a Pixar preshow, not a thriller. And still, when her foe is tied to the bed and Leigh Ann finds herself in the position of an underdog masochist, the movie doesn't take its ample time to make us believe she could perpetuate such absurd circumstances. Worst of all, the monster Tingle is right to despise the entitled Leigh Ann, the spacy, Jayma Mays-y Jo Lynn, and the nicely haired Luke. It's amazing fun to root for Tingle! When she insults the trio's knowledge of history, I just want to contribute, "Wait 'til see you what Leigh Ann thinks of Jackie Kennedy!" More like Embarrasstotle Blownassis if you ask me! Which means you shouldn't ask me.
4. A grim Clue reunion!
Since Clue is the ultimate Bad Movie We Love (shhh, we don't have to tell the haters that it's actually good!), I relish opportunities for its glorious cast to reunite. Can we book Martin Mull and Eileen Brennan for a Celebrity Boxing revamp? Tim Curry and Colleen Camp for my controversial pilot Character Actor Detox? Teaching Mrs. Tingle understands Clue passion and throws us Mr. Green (Michael McKean), who plays a wimpy teacher, and Miss Scarlet (Lesley Ann Warren), who plays Leigh Ann's utterly encouraging mother. Weeee! Act away, you two! Except the only whodunit they're embroiled in now is the one concerning Leigh Ann and her two foot soldiers. Let's candlestick all three.
3. More embarrassing crossbow action than The Prince of Persia
Early in the movie, Mrs. Tingle confiscates a crossbow that one of her students brings in for his final project and stashes it in her home. Lo and behold, the damn thing crops up 500 effing times in the movie, and sometimes Leigh Ann wields it, sometimes it's Tingle, sometimes it's Jo Lynn or any of a billion other characters, and it's always supposed to be shocking. "Oh, no!" says the ideal viewer; "That archaic weapon just reappeared! Will someone brandish it?!" The answer is always yes. (Spoiler.) It never comes close to conjuring the magic of the American Gladiators assault crossbow, but Helen Mirren does look fetching with it in her milky arms. She could play a gladiator named "Stately."
2. A most uncalled-for Exorcist reference
Yes, Kevin Williamson characters are known for their throwback references, but can you explain why Jo Lynn -- who I guess wants to prove her acting abilities to Tingle? -- performs a robotic reenactment of Regan's satanic throes from The Exorcist? You figure it out. It's an utterly dada moment in the film, but a traditionally bad/lovable thing. Also: Why is she styled so much like Rose McGowan's character Tatum in Scream? Stop reminding us of unironically good things, movie.
1. Helen Mirren leaves a puddle of fiery stank wherever she goes.
Just like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, Helen Mirren elevates her whole movie with one chilly, stonefaced, jarringly rock 'n' roll performance. Mrs. Tingle is Wit's literary protagonist Vivian Bearing as crossbred with Norma Desmond -- a condescending, brooding she-wolf. Though Leigh Ann tries to psychoanalyze Tingle and peg her as a vindictive cynic, we know she just hates pretty teenagers like the rest of the world. Good on her. When Tingle assigns a big history project for class at the beginning of the movie, Leigh Ann writes a year-long diary of a puritan girl that contains the following prose: "Another girl was burned at the stake today. I fear William Griggs will point to me next. I fear my future will be nothing more than smoldering ashes. If this be true, I pray the wind will carry my ashes far from Gallows Hull to a place that allows me to sing and dance in the open air." Uh, sing and dance you will, Leigh Ann -- beneath Mrs. Tingle's furious stare! Stomp on her, Helen!
Oh, Leigh Ann. You and this movie are my favorite failures. You can run the ticket booth at my televised Clue bloodbath.