Ryan Murphy -- the candid, theatrically hostile Svengali behind Glee -- would have you believe Glee: The 3D Concert Movie is the first cinematic musical with high production value, recognizable pop hits, and abject homosexuality. Not so! In 1980, director Nancy Walker (YES, OF RHODA) blessed us with Can't Stop the Music, the hip-poppin' extravaganza starring the Village People, Steve Guttenberg, Bruce Jenner, and other American forefathers. It is marvelous, enchanting, stupid, a little too long, gay as an elf's sneeze, the first Razzie winner for Worst Picture, and unforgettable. Respect. Let's revisit.
How cliche would it have been to choose Xanadu this week? I'm glad we're all cool enough to understand the wit behind a selection like Can't Stop the Music, which is both under-loved and under-hated. Its story concerns a budding young DJ named Jack (Steve Guttenberg, xoxo) who seeks the help of his roommate Samantha (the comely Valerie Perrine) in ascending the NYC club scene and becoming a pop sensation. When she decides the vocals on his demo tape won't do, she recruits the assistance of some of her friends, who turn out to be the Village People. The rest of the story deserves no real explanation, since we're mostly just here for the glittery, extraordinary gay majesty of this picture -- but please know that a major athlete makes his startling debut here. We'll get to that in a second.
Here are the five greatest perks of Can't Stop the Music, the movie that takes macho men, strips them to their thinnest t-shirts, and teaches them the lost art of thrusting.
5. Put down your damn Jamba Juice and "do the Shake"!
I swear that great musical numbers with eye-popping production value are to come, but let's begin our descent into disco doo-doo with a look at "The Shake," a highly choreographed, high-in-dairy routine that would make Kelis say, "Isn't this a little suggestive?" Note Oscar nominee Valerie Perrine's mega-feathered getup. Like a 40-year-old JonBenet Ramsey at an intergalactic LGBT gala. I told you you'd love this.
4. The thespian prowess of the Village People
During some unfortunate stretches of this 120+ minute excursion, acting tries to happen. Please don't watch those! Worse, the familiar Village People -- the Indian, the construction worker, the G.I., the police officer, the biker -- give the sourest attempts of all. The Indian is a particular weak point, and at one juncture, he enacts a rain dance after water is spilled on him. But let us not dwell on the Village People's scant few shortcomings; here's the construction worker opining about stardom in "I Love You to Death," a number that combines the tiered backdrop of "Jailhouse Rock" with the freakish libidos of an actual jailhouse.
3. Steve Guttenberg
The Gutte! With years to go before Police Academy, Short Circuit, and Three Men and a Baby, he has all the time in the world here to roller-skate through Manhattan, push his demo tape through the gay ranks, and puff up his pseudo-afro like a swaggering Bert Convy. He is, frankly, super hot. His biceps glisten like his darling eyes, and though he's constantly drumming his fingers and singing, he manages to be damn charming. I cannot say the same for Valerie Perrine, whose femininity in this film seems so unnecessary here. Because it is so redundant.
2. Bruce Jenner, as you've never wanted to see him
Children today may not know that Bruce Jenner -- now famous for stepfathering those amebic Kardashian things -- was once the greatest athlete in the world. In '76, Jenner won a bunch of gold for his Decathlon antics, and his extreme fame warranted a quick foray into film. He didn't land the titular role in 1978's Superman even though he auditioned, but he did land the role of an edgy dude with fetching John Davidson tresses in Can't Stop the Music. Same thing. He was nominated for a Razzie, which is probably what dissuaded him from future movies -- well, that and the glory of wearing a half shirt and daisy dukes. He probably figured costuming got no better than this. Behold, an outfit that really showcases his javelin-tough physique.
1. There's magic in the music!
Aside from "Y.M.C.A.," the perennial "favorite" of wedding receptions that shows up here in a decadent montage at a real Y.M.C.A., we get a couple of fabulous disco tracks amid this glitterball gluttony. The title song is a musical journey that kicks off the film, and it's beyond glorious. It's an aural map of the Big Apple. "Listen to the sound of the city!" it calls. "Listen to the sound of my town!" Yes, sir! Sounds like a two-star bathhouse! The other gem is "Magic Night," an ebullient exploration of love, jazz hands, and excitement. It's the Cucamonga rap of Can't Stop the Music -- that is, its most ethereal, energized moment. Forget that Xanadu also featured a song about magic; this one's threatening to pull a rabbit our of your hat and give it a job as a burly bouncer at Studio 54. Abracadabra!