Bad news, nostalgists: the Dirty Dancing reboot is happening. Worse, it doesn't even matter who Lionsgate casts in the lead roles (provided they can, y'know, dance) as the brand itself will sell the movie -- which you will likely see whether you want to or not. (For reference to this phenomenon, see Kenny Wormald and Julianne Hough in the lead Footloose remake roles.) Still! Rather than curl up into a ball and listen to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" on repeat for the next week to mourn the latest attempt by Hollywood to scorch the earth of your childhood, why not embrace the reboot and help Movieline cast this sucker? Ahead, some casting suggestions for Dirty Dancing.
Glee has no shortage of Jennifer Grey replacements -- see also Lea Michele, Naya Rivera and Heather Morris -- but Agron feels like the right combination of attitude, ability, naïveté and strong-will. Plus, of all the female cast members on Glee not named Amber Riley, she's the biggest mystery: Michele, Rivera and Morris have all been stretched to the limit on Ryan Murphy's Fox series; Agron still feels like a relative newcomer to the audience, but with the added cache of being on a hit series and recognizable to millions. Assuming Lionsgate doesn't cast an actual unknown in this role -- a real possibility -- Agron is the next best thing.
Before you break a finger flipping off this suggestion, note that Ryan Gosling is the obvious choice to play Johnny in any Dirty Dancing reboot; not only is he charming, handsome, totally manly in a way that excites both sexes, and great at being the bad boy, he can also -- as Crazy, Stupid, Love. taught everyone -- do The Move. Gosling is ideal for this. He's also entirely too famous and entirely too savvy to step into Patrick Swayze's shoes. As such, dance-film alum/notorious ex-stripper Tatum is the fall-back, and -- for the audience that will line-up to see Dirty Dancing -- a solid one. Put him on the poster shirtless and this thing opens to $25 million.
Penny needs to be physical on the dance floor and world-weary off it to contrast burgeoning Baby. Saldana can affect both of those traits in equal measure, all while maintaining dignity and strength in the face of a cheating boyfriend and unwanted pregnancy.
Let's keep the Law & Order connection alive! Waterston might be a bit soft to play a guy who basically spends the last act of Dirty Dancing in various stages of vexation, but this is too good to pass up. Besides, who else is Lionsgate going to get for this, Chris Cooper? (They aren't going to get Chris Cooper.)
Thanks to The Social Network, Max Minghella could probably play a vaguely unlikeable jerk in movies from now until the end of Facebook. Robbie is a total skeezeball in Dirty Dancing -- the type of guy who cheats on Baby's sister, coaxes med school money from their father, and knocks up the girl he cheated with -- and Minghella has the charms to make that kind of jerkface believable as a nice-guy sociopath who could pull double-crosses like that off.
My memory of resort owner Max Kellerman is limited to loud suits and gruff, waddling theatrics, but either way, every movie needs some eccentric character actor to come in for a few days, kill a supporting part, and leave. Shannon might be too big by the time Dirty Dancing comes out (see: Man of Steel), but he's just the right kind of scene-stealer. Alternate: John Goodman.
Fun fact: Kelly Bishop, erstwhile Baby mama and Gilmore Girl matriarch, could probably still play Marjorie Houseman to great effect -- she doesn't look that much different now at 67 than she did at 43 in 1987. Alas, assuming this Dirty Dancing doesn't invite her back, Patricia Heaton could be the next best thing, especially because she has her own illustrious career of playing judgmental, but ultimately fair, mothers.
While you consider those suggestions, watch the iconic finale of Dirty Dancing and add your own cast roster in the comments below.