Earlier on Thursday, Variety reported that Eli Roth is designing a Hostel-themed maze for Universal Studios Hollywood's "Halloween Horror Nights" theme park franchise. Because what parents don't want to lead their kids into a labyrinthian torture factory where other humans are seemingly being slaughtered for sport against a backdrop of sexually suggestive imagery? In honor of this cuckoo bananas development, Movieline has brainstormed five other amusement park attractions based on horror films that seem just as appropriate.
Wes Craven's Last House on the Left Adventure
The ride: Avenge your daughter's rape and murder in this spectacular new choose-your-own-adventure attraction from the minds behind the 1973 horror classic. You and your family will have the chance to wind your way through a dark maze and fend off rapists, serial killers, psychopaths, sadists, peeping toms and avoid murder. But, be careful -- if you choose the wrong path, you could end up experiencing a fate worse than Mari's.
What you'll say: "I didn't even faint... once!"
Piranha Log Flume... in 3-D!
The ride: Come face to face with Richard Dreyfuss and Elisabeth Shue in the world's most gripping piranha attack-themed amusement park 3D ride. This wet and wild attraction combines the imagination of Alexandre Aja (director of Piranha) with the latest in technology to create a multi-sensory attraction that takes 3-D prehistoric man-eating fish to the next level.
What you'll say: "Crazy fantastic! Jerry O'Connell's severed penis was in my face."
Texas Chainsaw Massacre Dinner Theater
The Ride: Your worst nightmares will come true as you sit down for a three-course dinner with Sally Hardesty (bound and gagged for authenticity), the corpse of Franklin Hardesty, "Grandpa" and a few other fear-loving amusement park goers. Dine on a candle lit table constructed of "human" bones and make conversation with the proprietor, all while enjoying the cannibalism-inspired menu and staying on the lookout for Leatherface, always lurking nearby. Texas Chainsaw Massacre Dinner Theater powers through new amusement park territory with an intoxicating blend of theater, fake remains and classic horror characters carrying power tools. Tip your waitresses.
What you'll say: "Once I stopped screaming, I ordered the fish sticks."
Revenge of Antichrist
The Ride: Lars von Trier's "grotesque masterpiece" comes to life in this nightmarish thrill ride that whips you through the deepest parts of Universal's Subconscious (a new wing of the park) while acorns, ticks and self-disemboweling foxes fling themselves at passengers from all directions. Masks and earplugs will be offered to any visitor uncomfortable with images of masturbation, bloody ejaculate, sexual violence and/or the sound of Lars von Trier's voice. It will change you... FOREVER.
What you'll say: "Fun reigns!"
The Great Human Centipede Escape 4-D
The Ride: If you dare, face the heart-pounding thrills of escaping a psychotic surgeon in life-like horror. Each centipede car catapults at speeds of up to 60 miles per hour in virtual darkness as you race past other mouth-to-anus attached victims, phantom three-dogs and terrified tourists as the crazed Dr. Heiter tries to catch up and conjoin another "human" to your cart. After exiting Heiter's dungeon, you'll emerge into a 3-D theater where special effects and the miracle of Centipede-vision glasses bring the experience to life. You'll see, hear and actually feel the action as moving seats, blood, wind and other special effects put you right in this middle of this torture porn adventure. Terrifying for all ages.
What you'll say: "100% medically exciting."
ยท 'Hostel' takeover set for U theme park [Variety]