By now you've likely heard about the pie flung at media emperor Rupert Murdoch, Laurel & Hardy-style, during a parliamentary hearing on Tuesday. Disappointingly, the fight did not escalate into a full-blown Battle of the Century affair on live TV because Murdoch's wife, Wendi Deng, shut the assailant down with a sharp right hook before he was quickly escorted out of the room by police. In light of this attack -- which failed to meet our own lofty pastry battle standards, mainly because it was actually just shaving cream foam -- Movieline has compiled five pro-pieing tips from cinema.
1. If you're going to start a pie fight, bring more than one pie
No offense to the Murdoch assailant being identified as U.K. comedian Jonnie Marbles, but if you're going to start a pie fight during an internationally noteworthy event that is being broadcast live, bring more than one pie. The greatest pie throwdowns have involved multiple, even thousands of baked goods (an estimated 4,000 in The Great Race). And to those of you that argue, "Well how could he have done that inconspicuously?" Marbles was already miraculously sitting unnoticed in a room full of Parliament suits while wearing a flannel cowboy shirt and holding a pan full of shaving cream.
2. Remember to maximize production value.
Take a cue from The Great Race and use multicolored pies for the most damage to your target's wardrobe, and more importantly, the most artistry. Hire a man to wear a comically exaggerated baker costume and announce "Get your pies for the great pie fight" a la Blazing Saddles (below). Sound effects. Extras in cowboy costumes who take your pie fight ultra-seriously. Pay someone to slip on custard sludge. Hire pie fight-pro Aaron Carter. You and your pie fight are worth it.
3. In emergency situations, cakes will suffice.
But it would be wise of you to always have a table full of pies at the ready, like the Three Stooges.
4. Never underestimate your target's petite wife. Similarly, don't bring a pie to a fist fight.
This was more of an implicit tip gleaned from all of those famous pie fights you've watched in movies. It was never directly addressed and after today's Murdoch episode, it's clear that it should have been. Because as many pies as have been thrown onscreen, never did a petite, pink blazer-clad spouse of a victim react with ninja-like reflexes, throwing a nasty right hook at the pie assailant. That would have prematurely ended most screen pieings. Fists outweigh pies. Watch out for them.
5. Go in with realistic expectations.
Pie fights have been conducted during so many different kinds of events (political rallies, charity fundraisers, the 1999 Fox Kids Bowl) to so many people (Bill Gates, Emma Thompson, Jean-Luc Godard) with so many varieties of toppings (custard, apple, etc.) that it is impossible to recreate the wheel here. (The wheel being pie.) So go in with realistic expectations. Your life is not a movie and as much as you want your airborne meringue to land on a piano player named Razmataz -- who will then lead an old-timey speakeasy in a fully choreographed musical number -- it won't happen. Unless you were an extra on Bugsy Malone (below). Then it happened once.